Page 39 of Obsession of the Egoist
“I won’t do anything if that is what you’re worried about,” Yugo said.
“Why should I trust you?” The words left Kuon’s mouth before he managed to stop them.
“If I wanted to kidnap you, I would have done it already.” The smile in Yugo’s voice made Kuon believe him.
Facing the window, he wondered if the sun shone brightly today. He missed the wind on his skin. The temptation to say ‘yes’ bubbled in every cell. Rick didn’t have the time to walk with him anymore, and sitting in the apartment, locked away in his head, was torture.
“So, what will it be?”
Wavering for a moment, Kuon nodded. “I’ll get dressed.”
“WHERE ARE WE GOING?”Kuon asked, squirming in the seat.
“Where do you want to go?” Yugo started the engine and turned the wheel, steering the car out of the underground parking.
“I don’t care. It’s the same everywhere.” Kuon shrugged. “Are you driving alone? Where are your goons?”
“Why? Could it be that you’re worried about me?” Yugo smirked, peering into Kuon’s features. So close, yet so far. He could press the door lock button, lean forward, and force a kiss upon him. Feel the familiar resistance, maybe have a small fight before Kuon’s pride let him accept another man and submit. He was about to erase the distance between them when Kuon lowered the backrest.
“Yeah, right.” Tugging the hood on, Kuon snuggled in his black hoodie. “I just don’t want to be in the same car with you when you get attacked.”
Disappointed, Yugo shifted his gaze back to the road. “Don’t worry, it’s bulletproof.”
THE CAR VIBRATEDas Yugo kept driving. At first, the silence didn’t bother Kuon, but sometimes he felt Yugo’s long, searing gazes over his face. His anxiety grew as the silence stretched.
To distract himself, he concentrated on the road and his sensations, but after yet another turn, he lost his sense of direction. The warmth on his cheek intensified with every minute. He tried to picture the landscape. How the old buildings fused into one long gray wall because Yugo seemed to have sped up. How colorful spots splashed now and then, coming from floral dresses of passing women and the summer umbrellas of cafes.
Yugo’s clothes rustled every time he moved. This low noise calmed Kuon. His mind slowed, sticky thoughts blurred, and he couldn’t concentrate on them anymore. His limbs weighed, so did his head. Everything became distant as the colorful dreams carried his mind away.
The gentle lurch of the car coming to a stop pulled Kuon out of sleep. Stirring, he lifted his hand and, shoving his index finger under the bandages, scratched the corner of his eye. “Where are we?”
“Nowhere,” Yugo replied. His deep, velvety voice wrapped around Kuon, making him feel secure.
“Why did we stop?” Kuon tried to shake off the illusion of security. Yugo wasn’t safe, he’d never been safe, but he had taken all Kuon’s attention, had made the world recede. Kuon missed it, just a little.
“No reason. You can sleep if you want to.” Heat flooded Kuon’s chest. The familiar feeling of Yugo’s gaze roaming over his body seared his cheeks.
“It’s creepy when you stare like that,” Kuon said, but instantly regretted his words, as Yugo inched closer.
“How do you know how I look at you?” Yugo’s breath tickled Kuon’s lips. Swallowing, Kuon lifted his hand, found Yugo’s face, and pushed the man back.
“You’re too close.” He expected resistance, but to his surprise, Yugo laughed and pulled back.
“Can you see anything at all?” The sound of a lighter being stroked reached Kuon’s ears. Yugo opened the window, and the buzzing of a summer field rushed inside, bringing along the flowery scent and sweet smoke.
“Not really,” Kuon confessed. “Light and dark, but mostly gray nothingness.”
“Get out.” Yugo’s rough order confused Kuon; his lips numbed, but he obeyed.
THE ENTIRE TRIPYugo had watched Kuon, noticing every little detail. How Kuon lifted his face, catching the sun, how he froze every time Yugo spoke, and those small, barely visible movements of his head when Kuon listened to him move. The more he watched, the more he understood how significantly Kuon’s world had shrunk.
He wondered why he hadn’t noticed it sooner. Kuon had always tried to appear confident, independent. His movements were short and precise, as he didn’t move more than he had to, but sometimes when Kuon thought Yugo wasn’t watching, a lonely expression crept upon his face.Just like now.
The longing had settled in Yugo’s chest as they stood in the middle of the road, surrounded by fields, under the unbearable, scorching sun; the ghosts of the mountains hovering far away, near the horizon. He wished Kuon could explore this immense space, and the high golden oats.
Noticing the corners of Kuon’s mouth droop, Yugo added, “Take the wheel.”
“What?”
