Page 36 of Obsession of the Egoist
“It doesn’t matter. Let it go.” Kuon faced Rick as if he could see him. Determination hardened his jawline.
“It matters to me. Did he do that?”
Kuon turned to the wall, water muffling his words. “It’s none of your business.”
Something snapped in Rick’s head, flooding it with a roaring sound. He got up. Without undressing, he stepped into the shower cubicle. Denim, turning wet, clung to his skin, so did his shirt.
“He did, didn’t he?” A palm, connecting with Kuon’s back, pressed the younger man into the wall. “And you smile like an idiot every time he comes to see you. Did you enjoy it or what? Maybe you’re just too shy to ask for what you need? Do you want someone to be rough with you, to hurt you? Is this why I’m not good enough for you? Are you a masochist, Kuon?”
“RICK!” A WARNING VIBRATEDin Kuon’s throat as the wide chest imprinted into his back. The heat, coming from the other man, raised every hair on Kuon’s body to attention. He heard the fast drumming of Rick’s heart with his skin as something hard pressed against his ass. “What the hell are you doing? Back off!”
Trying to win some space, Kuon pressed his palms against the slick wall and pushed away. He spun as Rick’s fingers seized his hips, tugged him closer.
“I love you.” The words startled Kuon. With his forearms against Rick’s chest, Kuon froze; Rick’s fingers didn’t. Foaming up, they drifted toward his butt crack. “I can make you happy. I’ll do whatever you want. I can be anything you need.”
Kuon opened his mouth to tell the man to leave when a rough kiss was forced upon him. Biting down onto Rick’s lip, Kuon pulled back and threw his fist forward. The meaty, wet sound reached his ears as the vibration from the impact rushed up to his shoulder. A heavyTHUDand a splash followed.
Panting, Kuon turned toward the wall and rested his forehead against the tile.
What a fucking mess…Kuon remembered all the times Yugo raped him before his thoughts switched to Gray and the hooker he’d brought him.Is it something about me that makes people think they can do force themselves on me?
The sound of rushing water condensed the silence, making words meaningless. His lips twitched, formed a painful grin, and he smashed his fist against the wall, seeking pain as a distraction from his powerlessness. The longer he stood, listening to his own breathing, throbbing pain in his knuckles, and the running water, the more betrayal tainted his soul.
“He might have done a lot of things…” Kuon’s voice, barely above a whisper, sounded unfamiliar to his own ears. Too low, too robotic, it lacked emotions and strength. “But he never lied to me.”
“Kuon…”
“You did.” The pain in his chest worsened with every second as his thoughts jumped about his skull. He couldn’t believe that Rick had taken advantage of his weakness and betrayed his trust. “I’ll move out tomorrow.”
“Why can’t you give me a chance?” The splash and a slapping sound forced Kuon to face the noise and protect his back by pressing it against the wall. Rick’s voice trembled, when he asked, “Do you love that asshole? What does he have that I don’t? Why can’t it be me?”
Kuon shook his head. “Love? What are you talking about? I don’t.”
“You lie. He is the only one you smile at. I try so fucking hard to stir a small emotion, but he only has to show up to make you grin.” Rick’s breath washed over his wet cheek. Kuon recoiled.
If Rick decides to use force, I won’t be able to stop him.Ice filled his veins. For the first time, Kuon felt insecure in Rick’s presence.
“You NEVER smile at me like that.”
“Like what? I don’t know what you think you see, but you are mistaken,” Kuon said, dropping his chin. “Love? For love, you have to respect a person, trust them. I don’t trust him, and I certainly don’t love him. I’m not even sure if there is anything good in him at all. You’re wrong. I don’t have feelings for him.”
It’s complicated.I don’t want him to see me defeated. I am just glad he still remembers me. Maybe I’m a little happy to know that he cares.
Something, buzzing at the back of his mind, whispered‘weakness’, so he said no more.
The pause stretched. When Kuon shifted, wanting to get out of the shower, Rick broke the silence.
“When you look into the future, what do you see?”
Kuon stiffened when Rick’s shoulder touched his, but instantly relaxed as he realized that the man took the wall by his side.
“You staying alone for the rest of your life? What kind of life do you want to have? Is there anyone by your side? Do you see him?”
Kuon bit his bottom lip as Yugo’s face bled through the darkness, then fell apart into a kaleidoscope of fragmented memories: the war, police operations, the white room, guns, and drugs. He shook his head, refusing to think about it.
“I see you.” The simple words stopped Kuon’s heart. “I pray that one day you notice me and realize that in the whole world I only look at you. That I would be enough. Even if we are both sixty-something, and there is no dark hair on our heads, I think I will still love you.”
“This isn’t fair.” Kuon’s guts knotted, and icy, sticky anguish oppressed his heart. “You can’t say things like that.”
