Page 55 of Obsession of the Egoist
“What are you talking about?” Surprise and concern mixed in Yugo’s voice.
“Do you get high when you mess with me? Do you enjoy breaking into my life and fucking with me over and over? Why can’t you find another victim? I can’t believe you came here after the surgery, tried to rape me while I’m drugged, and now you tell me this? You know what? Go to hell, Yugo.”
YUGO FELT LOST.He’d expected to see relief, a splitting smile on Kuon’s face, anything, but this weird aggression he couldn’t explain.
Feeling like an idiot, he countered, “Fucking with your life? You’re the one who is fucking my brain out! I tried to be nice. I gave you space. I gave you time. I never forced you. I waited for you to acknowledge me, but you never did. I asked you to stay with me of your own free will. You refused, and I tried to respect that. I could have locked you away the moment your foot touched Austrian soil. I could have made you mine long ago like I wanted to. Instead, I’m tolerating you living with another man and kissing a woman because I’m trying to respect your fucking feelings. But the more I wait, the more people surround you. Every time I visit, you tell me to go away. And now when I’m about to do that, you tell me I’m fucking with your life? What do you expect me to do? Stay silently by your side for the rest of my life and wag my tail while that woman takes you away? I’m not your fucking Hachiko! I’m done waiting, but don’t worry, I won’t force you anymore.”
“Fuck you! You can’t come here and tell me all this after what you’ve done. Where was your oh so understanding bullshit two years ago?” Kuon snapped. “You have no right to do this to me now!”
“Then what do you want me to do?” Yugo yelled. “Come on, say it. I’ll do whatever you want.”
“I don’t know!” Kuon screamed back.
“No matter what I do, you’re never happy.” A burst of indignation splashed darkness all over Yugo’s soul. He grabbed Kuon’s wrist and jerked the younger man closer. Their noses inches apart. “I’m tired of guessing what I should do to make you want me, but the truth is, it doesn’t matter what I do…” Yugo pushed a breath out, trying to control his anger. “Give me a call when you realize what you want from me because I’m done trying to understand you.”
Pushing Kuon away, Yugo got to his feet. Closing his eyes for a second to gain his composure he moved to the door, but something held him back. Turning around, he sighed. Resting his head on his bent knees, Kuon clutched the tail of his jacket in his fist.
“What is it, another impulse that means nothing? What do you want from me, Kuon?” Yugo didn’t recognize his voice, it sounded so low and hoarse, accompanied by the staccato of the tiny beeping and the background rattle of the heavy rain.
“I don’t kno-ow, but an apology would be a good start.” Aggression drained from Kuon’s voice, but something else lingered in the stretched vowel. Yugo wanted to hear more.
“What for?”
“For ruining my life, to begin with? For raping me? For locking me away for eleven months?” Kuon lifted his head, seeking Yugo’s face with his strapped eyes.
“No. I never regretted that…”
Kuon’s cheek flinched, as he dropped his hand, the beeping fast and furious. “I see…”
“I’d do it all over again. The only thing I’ve ever regretted was letting you go.” The beeping halted, stuttered. Kuon tore the clip off his finger and threw it aside. A long, piercing signal filled the air. Kuon’s face flipped through expressions. Annoyance, hurt, anger, then something else Yugo failed to read.
“Turn it off!”
Approaching the machine, Yugo yanked the plug out of the socket. The sound died, and silence flooded the room. Minutes stretched, and only an occasional rumbling of thunder and the pattering of rain disturbed the repressed quietness.
“Herr Leiris?” The door flew open, and a nurse rushed into the room.
“He is fine. Leave,” Yugo ordered, squinting at the bright light showering in from the corridor.
Kuon faced the door. “I’m fine. The machine was annoying.”
“Leave,” Yugo pressed. “Klor is aware that I’m here.”
Conflict bled through the nurse’s mousy features before she backed out of the room. The door closed, bringing back the silence and darkness.
“I don’t think I can forget that…” Kuon said after what felt like forever. “And you’re right. It doesn’t matter what you do, because I don’t know what I want, but it’s certainly not this. Not when you use my state to force me. If this is how it’s gonna be, then I want nothing. I’m fucking blind! I already feel helpless enough, don’t you get it?”
Yugo sat by Kuon’s side, watching his mouth tighten in a colorless line. Kuon’s behavior confused him, yet something in Kuon’s words gave him hope.
“Okay.” He crept closer. His nose brushed against Kuon’s shoulder as he rested his forehead in the crook of his neck. “How about I tell you what I want?”
“No.” Kuon pulled back, but Yugo clasped his hands around his torso, pressing their chests together. “Don’t do this.”
“I want you.”
“Shut up. I don’t want to hear it.”
“I missed you. I couldn’t stop thinking about you.”
