Page 54 of Obsession of the Egoist
The vein under his fingers swelled and vibrated, beckoning him. Leaning closer, he pressed his mouth to its thickness, and Kuon’s pulse quivered on his lips. Trailing up, he licked Kuon’s rough chin; the one day bristle scratched his tongue. The familiar smell of Kuon’s skin tickled his senses. Leaning his left arm against the linens, Yugo caressed Kuon’s cheek with his free hand, then outlined his jaw. Heart pounding in his throat, he pressed his mouth to the rough lips. Warm and dry, they didn’t respond, but easily opened to his tongue.
Kuon stirred, moaned. The beeping of the heart monitor sped up, and blood flooded Yugo’s head.
I should make you mine…He deepened the kiss, licking Kuon’s tongue and the insides of his mouth. Weak hands pressed against his shoulders and pushed him away, but Yugo forced himself upon the resisting body. The heart monitor went insane. Kuon’s fist bumped against his chest, then again and again, as the hot, torn breathing danced over his tongue. A sharp knee stabbed Yugo’s side, but it only inflamed his arousal.
“No.” Kuon groaned into his mouth. Yugo’s head gyrated. His hands fumbled over Kuon’s hospital gown seeking for slits to sneak under. He wasn’t sure what he was doing, but more than anything, he needed Kuon to become his, no matter the cost. Sharp teeth sunk into his tongue, and coppery flavor flooded his mouth. Managing to turn his face away, Kuon growled, “No, Yugo. Stop!”
Blood on fire, Yugo tore the annoying fabric, as lightning flashed right behind the window, illuminating the painful contortion of Kuon’s mouth.
BOOOM. The thunder resembled a gunshot, and then another instant flash blinded Yugo. A tactile, vivid memory resurrected. Once again he stood on the frozen pier, squeezing the icy grip of the gun. His fingers shook as he pulled the trigger… and then… the burst of blood and the motionless body… the surprise in the dark eyes a moment before the flutter of lashes hid the irises… the swirling snow and the quicksilver of the river.
Yugo’s fingers tangled in the fabric, and an angry fist collided with his cheek, throwing him back. The sobering pain cleansed his blood, washing his body in freezing cold.
“What the fuck are you doing?” Kuon asked in a thick voice, panic and fear controlling his expression. A palm over his mouth, Kuon blew out a long breath.
Yugo didn’t reply. He imagined the white room, and a locked up Kuon going crazy in silence. Fights, violent sex, bloody kisses, chains, and raw skin under handcuffs; hatred in Kuon’s eyes, all the things that used to excite him. He blinked in the gloom, feeling exhausted instead. The memory changed to one of Kuon’s rare smiles and the passion of his willing submission; the smoldering lust in his eyes, and the heat of Kuon’s eager mouth around his cock. The memory of their short road trip emerged in front of his eyes, providing him a vivid recollection of Kuon gripping the wheel while listening to his directions. Trust and excitement on Kuon’s face stirred the weird longing in his chest.And then Rick’s words came to mind.‘He deserves to be happy, but people like you don’t understand things like this.’
“Kuon, have you ever been happy with me?” The words came out strained.
Tearing Yugo’s palm off his mouth, Kuon exploded, “Who do you think you are? Coming in here right after the surgery… What did you want to do, rape me while I was out cold? How low can you get?”
How low? I wonder…A sad chuckle escaped Yugo’s throat as he imagined Kuon going back to Rick’s apartment, living a life that didn’t include him. When his eyes healed would Kuon let him get close? Yugo didn’t think so. Fingers sinking into his slicked-back hair, he got up from the bed.I guess I really hit rock bottom, huh?
“Don’t you have any fucking pride?” Grabbing a pillow, Kuon threw it in Yugo’s direction. Flipping in the air, it hit the floor a few feet away from the door. “You can only force people when they are at their weakest. At least give me a chance to defend myself. I hate people like you the most!”
Every word Kuon said sunk into Yugo’s core. His gaze jumped from the painful twist of Kuon’s mouth to the crumpled sheet in his fist, took in the rapidly rising and falling chest under the blue hospital gown, and the white plastic eye shields taped over his eyes.
“Is that so? You hate me this much? I guess, no matter what I do, you’ll never…” Yugo swallowed the unspoken words against his dry throat. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes, shedding his unnecessary, confusing feelings. His mind calmed, so did his pulse as a decision formed in his heart. “Then, there is no point in holding back.”
HEAT AND ICE, ONE AFTER ANOTHER,washed over Kuon’s body. Ignoring the rapid beeping of the heart monitor, he asked with his tongue numb, “What are you talking about?”
“Don’t worry, I’ll be gentle,” Yugo said. The mattress sagged under his weight as Yugo’s knee brushed against Kuon’s hip. A hand collided with his shoulder, and the mattress bounced under Kuon’s back the same moment as cool fingers seized his left forearm. “I promise, you will enjoy it.”
“Enjoy it?” Kuon asked; the blood rush clearing his head from the remaining sedatives. The warmth of Yugo’s fingers cupped his cheek as the fire of a kiss inflamed his lips. Clenching his fist, Kuon threw another punch forward. Knuckles hitting flesh, he forced words through gritted teeth. “Don’t fuck with me! Coming here, feeding me this bullshit, and you expect me to lie on my back and spread my legs for you? Go to hell!”
Kuon froze as soon as the words left his mouth. A long-forgotten fear chafed his nerves. Yugo hated rejection. He’d never let it slide. Tensing, he expected the counterblow or for Yugo to launch forward and pin him to the bed, but the man pulled back. Kuon shook his head, confused.
Why doesn’t he do anything?That never happened before.
More than ever, Kuon wanted to see Yugo’s face. He couldn’t help wondering what kind of expression he wore, and if he was furious, hurt, or something else. His impotency and helplessness agonized.
A deep sigh preceded the screech of a mattress as Yugo sat on the bed. Minutes stretched, thickening the heavy, uncomfortable silence.
“I guess this is it...” Yugo finally said, his voice low and quiet. The beeping of the monitor increased. “I won’t bother you anymore, Kuon.”
“You don’t make any sense…” Yugo’s words rebounded against Kuon’s mind, never sinking in. He shook his heavy head, but the gesture only caused a headache.
“I’m thinking about moving back to Sicily. It has a better geopolitical location for my kind of business anyway. I’ve considered it for a while. You don’t need to be afraid. I won’t mess with your life anymore. You can do whatever you want, date whomever you want, even marry that woman.”
“Is that so?” Kuon’s lips stretched in a smile of disbelief as the strong feeling of déjà vu hit him.
It’s happening all over again, like a twisted loop of fate. I’m an idiot…he thought, stupefied. Fingers, fumbling over the cool sheets, couldn’t find rest.How come I never saw it before? All this time, he waited for the surgery.The thought seared his cheeks.Has the reason for his visits always been guilt and pity? He barely touched me, and even when he did, it was nothing like before. Back then, he never cared if I wanted sex or not. He just did what he wanted… because he desired me.Kuon moved his shoulder, trying to accommodate the uncomfortable thoughts.That’s right. After all, why would he want this broken body, when he can have anyone? So many scars… Who in their right mind would ever want to touch them?
From the beginning, it was all about the surgery. This is why he got mad when I gave up those corneas. He tried to buy his way out of guilt and didn’t want to wait. Maybe, after all, he does have shreds of conscience.A soul-slaughtering memory of Yugo’s reaction to his eyes slashed through his chest.He couldn’t even stomach seeing me. And now, what was that? A half-assed attempt at a nostalgic fuck?Kuon couldn’t stop a slight headshake of disappointment. “So you have messed around enough and got bored? Just like before.”
“Huh?”
“I’m an idiot…” Kuon laughed, sour saliva filling his mouth. “Is it fun? Do you enjoy fucking with my life?”
