Page 82 of Another Love, Another Time
“I went back to find you. I must have taken longer than I thought because you weren’t by the bathroom. I yelled into the bathroom, but you weren’t in there. I thought maybe you went back into the ballroom. When I didn’t see you, I started to get worried.
“I had a bad feeling I couldn’t shake. I started asking the group to help look for you. It wasn’t until I heard screaming that I started to run towards the noise. I saw you lying on the ground. My gut had been right.
“Logan had found you first and had already had you covered with his jacket.” I’m breathing heavily as I remember her on the ground. Still, I can see the scene as clear as day. “I didn’t recognize you. If it wasn’t for your dress, I wouldn’t have known it was you.”
I feel myself getting worked up. “I should have been with you. I will never be able to apologize enough for not being there to protect you from your attacker, and for that, I’m sorry. I should have been there. And then, when you wouldn’t let me ride in the ambulance with you, I knew you blamed me for what happened.
“At the time, all kinds of things were running through my head. All I wanted to do was hold you and make sure you were okay. When you refused to see me, I felt like I was going crazy. I didn’t leave the hospital until I knew you were no longer there. Even after your dad dragged me out of your room, I couldn’t leave.
“You’re right. I did lie to you that day when you gave me the opportunity to tell you the truth. I didn’t know you had seen Melissa and me, but I knew how you felt about it. I didn’t want to upset you when the kiss didn’t mean anything.”
“How can you say that?” she snaps. “How can you say it didn’t mean anything. You knew how I felt about her. Why would you think it was okay to kiss her while your date was in the bathroom?”
“I don’t have a good answer for you other than I was a dumb boy trying not to hurt anyone’s feelings.” I close my eyes and take a deep breath. “I never meant to hurt you, but I ended up hurting you the most. After you left for home, I tried getting hold of you. I needed to see you. I needed to talk to you. We had never gone that long without talking.
“Everyone said you didn’t blame me, but I blamed myself. If I’d been there, you wouldn’t have been attacked. I was going out of my mind, not being able to talk to you. You blocked me on Facebook, but not Logan.
“The night we graduated, Logan texted me that you were joining the Army. I lost it. Until that point, I had hoped that you would still forgive me.” I shake my head at my stupidity.
“Earlier that day, I was going through my bag from prom, and I found your purse. I realized I had your phone the whole time, but then, I also found your letter.” I look at her and see her cheeks redden.
“All I could think about at that moment was how I was going to fight to be back in your life once we got to school. I couldn’t believe you had finally wanted to be my girlfriend. I couldn’t wait. And then Logan sent me a screenshot of you with your recruiters, and I knew at that point, I had lost you. You went to the one place you knew I couldn’t follow you.”
I look down, not proud of the next part of my story. “After you left for the Army, I was a mess. I spent the summer drinking, throwing myself a pity party because I lost you. When schoolstarted, I almost lost my scholarship. I was almost forced to drop out of school. I just didn’t care.
“That’s when Melissa and I got close. Melissa checked on me every day. She, Logan, and I were all going to Mizzou. Logan was going through his own thing at the time and couldn’t be there for me. So, Melissa was my only constant. She made sure I got up daily for school and took notes. She showed up to all my games.
“She wasn’t you, but she was there as a friend. She was always there, especially when I was down.” I don’t want to tell her about this next part, but if we ever have a chance to get back a resemblance of a relationship, she has to know.
“In college, we went to parties together. She would always make sure I got home. One night after we got home, she tried to kiss me, but I pushed her away. She kept coming back, asking me to give her a chance to make me feel better, a chance to be together.
“I did want to feel better. I had felt like crap for so long. I thought, ‘Why not?’ I had already lost you. You didn’t want anything to do with me. You had cut me out of your life for good. So, the next time she tried to kiss me, I didn’t push her away. I was so tired of feeling like shit, and I just… I just wanted to forget.”
I close my eyes, remembering. “I felt so much guilt for letting you get attacked, and I missed you so much. I had gone so long without speaking to you. No matter what I did, it just didn’t help.
“I mean, I knew how she felt about me. I didn’t feel the same, but I could at least give it a try; how could it get any worse?” I glance up and see the tortured look in her eyes. “I won’t go into details, but I knew it was a mistake as soon as it started. It was a one-time thing. I couldn’t sleep after, and instead of it making me feel better, I only felt worse.
“The next morning, I explained to her that all I wanted was friendship, that friendship was all that I could offer, that it wouldn’t be fair to her to pretend it could be something more. She said she was good with that, and friends are all we have been since.” I take another deep breath after getting through the hardest part.
River is crying. I failed her, and I don’t know if she will ever be able to forgive me. The River in the past would have never cried in front of me. I want to reach out and hold her, but before I can wrap my arms around her, she punches me hard in the stomach, and I bend over.
She stands up and crosses the room to get away from me. “I hate you. I hate you. I hate you! How could you touch her?” She’s wiping angrily at her tears. She doesn’t want to seem weak. I know from her reaction that I can’t tell her everything.
“What about my dad’s funeral? Did you have to bring her to my dad’s funeral?” she croaks. “I needed you, and you brought her.”
“It wasn’t like that,” I try.
“You didn’t bring her?” she questions.
“She rode down with us. She wanted to be there for her family.”
She scoffs. “No, I don’t think so. She was not close to my dad. She knew I would be home, and she wanted me to see you two together. She made damn sure you weren’t there for me.”
“You think—” I start, but she interrupts me.
“Why do you keep taking her side? Look, Auggie. There are things you don’t know, and I don’t think you’re ready to hear them. When you’re ready, I’ll tell you.” She’s still wiping tears from her face.
I furrow my brows. “What do you need to tell me?”
