Page 47 of Never Stay Gone
Dakota cleared his throat. Scrubbed his palms over his jeans. “I’ve never heard you say you loved me before. Ever. And, you know… I didn’t believe you did. I mean, you told me you didn’t love me, or want me. Or want us. So all this… it’s overwhelmin’ me, Shane.”
“I’m sorry.” He could spend the rest of his life apologizing and never undo the hurt he’d inflicted on the man he loved. He had to live with that, with knowing, down to his soul, what he’d done. “Dakota, you are the only person I’ve ever been in love with. Only you. And I’ve only been with you and Shelly in my whole life.”
Dakota’s fingers dug into his jeans. He stared at the far wall, his jaw clenched. “This isn’t what I expected.”
“Me either. I always imagined you with someone else. Happy. I liked thinking you were happy.”
Dakota barked out a harsh laugh. “I haven’t been happy with my life since senior year of high school. I had two good years out of thirty-one. Two, with you.”
“It’s the same for me. Two perfect, wonderful years that I’ve thought of every day since.” He blew out a breath. “That night, I sneaked out and drove to your trailer. I wanted to beg your forgiveness and tell you I didn’t mean any of it, and that I didn’t know you loved me, and that I loved you too. Everything was so fucking jumbled back then, and I didn’t ever know what to think or do. I just knew I needed you. But you were already gone, you and your parents, and I thought… that’s it. He’s gone forever, and I… I ruined everything.”
Dakota’s eyes closed. He slumped forward, his palms flat on the mattress.
“Ihatemy life. Ihateit. I hate living every day without you. I hate living with what I did to us. I hate this town sometimes too. It’s like my father is still here, still watching my every move.” He rolled his head, looked sidelong at Dakota, and worked up the courage to ask what he should have asked thirteen years ago. “Take me away, cowboy. Take me back to Austin. Or wherever you want to go. Just take me with you when you leave?”
It was Dakota’s turn to look at him, drill those golden eyes deep into Shane. Dakota worried at his lower lip, biting the skin so hard it turned milk white. “What are you askin’? You wanna be together again?”
“Could we?” Fear grasped hold of Shane’s stomach. “Or… Are you seeing someone?”
“No,” Dakota said quickly. “But it’s been a long time. And you—you just admitted for the first time that you’re gay. Are you really ready to go shoutin’ down Main Street that you love me? What would Rustler think?”
“This town thinks the worst of me already. They love seeing me fall on my face.”
“Lovin’ a man—lovingme—ain’t fallin’ on your face. If that’s what you think—”
“No, it’s not what I think.” Shit, he wasn’t any good at explaining himself. He never had been. “I want… I want to be me,” he whispered. “I want to feel like I did when I was with you. When everything was right.”
“Shane…”
He exhaled slowly. Tried not to tip over into the swirling darkness. “Dakota, Iloveyou. I loved you then, I love you now, and I’m going to love you forever. If I could build a time machine and go back, I would. I’d never have left you, and I’d never have hurt you, and we could have had all these years together—” His voice broke, and he fell forward, sinking his head in his hands.
Dakota stayed quiet. “I never thought I’d ever hear you say those words. Not in a million years.”
“I’ll tell you every day, if you let me.” All this time they’d been talking, they hadn’t touched each other once. Dakota was an island an inch away from him—so close, yet so, so far. He reached for Dakota and took his hand, sliding his fingers across Dakota’s palm.
Dakota went still, stiff, his spine straightening as his legs locked, and he stared at their hands like a rattlesnake had slithered into his lap.
Slowly, Dakota’s fingers closed around Shane’s. “What do you want from me?”
Shane cupped Dakota’s cheek and guided him to look at Shane. He stared into Dakota’s eyes, into Dakota’s wide-open soul. Saw the boy he’d hurt, trying to be strong, trying to be brave. He lifted their hands and brought Dakota’s to his own chest, pressing Dakota’s fingertips against his heart. Dakota frowned, and confusion filled his gaze, until—
Shane watched Dakota go bone white, saw the breath slam out of him. Shane let go of his hand, and Dakota worked his fingers beneath the collar of Shane’s uniform shirt.
He saw Dakota’s lips quiver and tighten. Felt him trembling as he slowly pulled up the chain, and his ring, the same one he had given Shane all those years ago, from beneath Shane’s shirt.
“You kept it.”
Shane dug into his jeans pocket and pulled out a folded piece of notebook paper and a crumpled ziplock bag. In the bottom of the bag was a dried-up orange husk that had once been a candy heart reading “I <3 U.” He held both out to Dakota.
Dakota unfolded the paper gingerly, as if afraid of what he’d see. Faded pencil, smeared in places, covered the page. A budget, carefully worked by hand: rent, food, utilities, fuel.
“I kept everything. I could never let a single part of you go.”
Dakota lowered his head as twin tear tracks ran down his cheeks. He laid his hand over his old class ring and Shane’s heart.
“I put it back on this morning. I needed to feel you close to me again. Even if you hated me, I needed to remember what we were once. I’ve never stopped loving you, Dakota. Not for one moment.”
“I’ve never hated you. You were my first love.” Dakota hissed, as if his words were painful. “You’re my only love.”
