Page 62 of The Quarterback
Nick wanted to do more for Colton. Be a better training partner. Was Colton not doing everything on the workout schedule because he knew Nick couldn’t possibly keep up with him? If he couldn’t keep up in the gym, he could at least be better at the park. But every time he promised himself he’d be more disciplined, he melted in the face of Colton’s smile, turned into every opportunity to come together, stop passing the ball, be at Colton’s side. He was so damn hungry—greedy—for Colton, all the time.
Besides, how much longer would he have Colton’s attention? The start of a new football season loomed, time marked off on his fridge door calendar. A parade of days, a shortening summer, the end of which surely meant the end of them.
Day by day. Focus on what he had.Don’t reach ahead for a future you aren’t in a hurry to meet.
There was too much looming beyond the summer’s sunset. Colton’s exuberance at getting back into football shape was the first step on a long, painful road toward goodbye, and there were a dozen heartaches forming on the horizon. Their tiny world was going to expand. Colton would be back with his team and with his friends. Back with Wes and—
Nick took a shaky breath as the football slammed into his palms. Colton had just sent him another bull’s-eye. His accuracy was getting better. His range was limited, as was his power, but he never missed when he sent the football sailing Nick’s way down the grassy lawn of Zilker Park. Nick fired the ball back, giving it a higher arch than Colton had so Colton could catch the ball in the basket of his arms and not have to reach up.
His thoughts kept tumbling, refusing to stay quiet.
Justin was coming home in a few weeks.
Would he and Colton still be together then?
He didn’t want to think about it too deeply, but he had to be pragmatic about how things were going to go. Surely Colton would be moving back to the jock house soon. The remaining days of them sharing Nick’s condo were fewer than those that had already passed. And once Colton left, how often would he come back, when he had his friends and his teammates back in his life? Why would he come hang out with Nick when he had parties to go to and friends to be with, and fans who were dazzled by him?
NFL players—future NFL players—didn’t have older guys as lovers.
No, Colton would be taking his clothes and his shoes and his PlayStation andleaving. The toothbrush and deodorant and razor he’d moved from Justin’s bathroom to Nick’s would vanish. How fast would Nick’s sheets stop smelling like Colton? How long would it take for his second pillow to lose the round hollow where Colton laid his head at night?
No one knew about them. Colton might have sneaked a kiss out in Lubbock, but he’d kept his hands and his lips to himself when they were in public. Colton had a lot of reasons for not telling the world he was sleeping with a man. This was never going to be something Colton publicized. He was never going to hold Nick’s hand while they were walking down the street.
He was never going to stay.
When Colton left and this thing between them faded and died, no one else was going to know what they’d been. What they became beneath the summer sun and how they burned down the July moon.
If no one knew and no one wasgoingto know, and if their future was finite, the end rising before him like a summer-soaked heat haze, then… did he ever tell Justin?
The thought paralyzed him. His lungs refused to work and his heart refused to beat. Panic ran through him, pure adrenaline racing hot and quicksilver in his veins when he even came near the idea.
He had no idea how his son would react. No idea what he would think or say. Months ago, Nick had patted himself on the back and congratulated himself on how close he was with Justin. How much he’d done to repair their relationship and how well he knew Justin. He knew the name of his dance company and his favorite ballets, knew his work schedule and the names of his colleagues. Knew Wes, had met his friends and his professors. Heknewhis son. He’d been cocky, so assured of how he’d clawed his way up thegood dadchart.
None of that helped him try to guess how Justin would take the news that Nick had tumbled into bed with a guy. With hisboyfriend’s best friend. With hisownfriend.
Would he be disgusted? Justin could be critical, sharply so, of things he disagreed with. What did he think of dads sleeping with their sons’ friends? What did he think of a two-decade age difference?
Would he see how happy Nick was with Colton? How Colton’s smile became a whirlpool he was caught in, but that he was more than happy to spin around him for the rest of his days? Or as long as he was allowed to call Colton his.
Would Justin be confused? Nick didn’t have answers toWhyandHowandWhat the fuck. The closest he came was Colton’s gruff, soul-wracked reasoning in the car afterthat morningin Houston: when you feel like you’re falling for someone, does it matter if they’re a guy or a girl?
Or your son’s friend?
Would it be kinder to Colton to keep his mouth shut? Keep this secret between them and cherish the memories of these moments when he saw the headlines in the future?NFL Quarterback Colton Hall and Wife Welcome Daughter. If he closed his eyes, he could picture that future so clearly: Colton with a beautiful woman on his arm. He’d look at her like he looked at Nick right now, smiling with those huge dimples turned all the way up. He’d have three or four kids, and he’d be an amazing father. He was made to love other people.
Every day, Nick looked at the photos his son sent—Justin happy, Justin in love, Justin having the time of his life—and wanted to turn himself inside out.I thought I was brave. I thought I knew how to pick right and wrong, Justin.
But if Colton was leaving, then maybe he didn’t tell Justin about them, because if he did… Well, he wasn’t at all confident Justin would react beautifully. Maybe he’d be disgusted. Maybe he’d be furious. Nick just didn’t know… and he was scared to find out. Terrified, too, that it would be the end of his closeness with his son, that their tender new relationship couldn’t hold if he confessed he’d fallen for Colton. Justin’s friend, Wes’s best friend. He could lose Justin because his heart had run away with his mind.
Ultimately, he was going to lose Colton to time, because there was no way Colton would stay with him. Colton wouldn’t trade all his dreams away just because Nick told him that his smile now lived in his heart.
Lose Colton. Lose Justin. Lose them both?
He had no idea what to do. He was torn between what he should do and what he could do, between the son he loved and a man he thought he could. Torn, too, between time and secrets and trying to figure out what was best for everyone. Did he owe Justin more than he owed Colton? On one level, definitely. But… should Justin know everything about his life? If he’d pledged to be open with his son, what did it mean if he kept this from him? Could Justin ever truly know him if he didn’t know how hard Nick’s heart pounded for Colton? Where was the line between fathers and sons? What would Justin say if Nick showed Justin his heart and Justin found Colton there?
Too many thoughts grinding against each other. His mind would pulverize him if he let it.Day by day, he repeated to himself. He said it to his reflection in the bathroom mirror, and he said it when he stared out his office window, and he said it when he clung to consciousness, trying to hold on to the day, and watched Colton dream. He didn’t want to go to sleep because it meant he’d be one more day closer to when Colton shifted into his past and out of his future.
Day by day by day.
