Page 36 of The Quarterback
But Nick.
He licked his lips and let himself feel it. Let himself feel the dreams he’d had, replaying the moments that had flown through him like photographs fluttering in the air. Taking Nick’s hand in the car. Holding Nick’s hand on the patio. Holding Nick to him as they did his shoulder stretches.
His cock, still half out of his boxers, twitched.
Kissing Nick. Wrapping him in his arms. Their bodies pressed together, clothes and football pads between them but still so close he could feel Nick’s body against his own. Feel, maybe, a hardness that answered his. He’d never felt a man hard against him, and he didn’t really know what it was he was dreaming about.
He knew what hethoughtit was. What he wanted that feeling in the dream to be.
Nick wanting him, like he wanted Nick.
Running to Nick after the game. Searching for Nick in the stands. Searching, hoping, wanting, craving—
How had this happened? How had he fallen for Nick Swanscott?
Well… nonstop togetherness probably had something to do with it. His weakness, too, for a man to turn to him with a smile and a word of praise and a teaspoon’s worth of attention. But he’d had hundreds of coaches and Boy Scout leaders and even teachers and professors he’d spent more time with than he had with Nick, men he’d looked up to, men he’d bloomed for when they fed his parched soul. Why had this never happened before? Why now?
Because he liked Nick. Goddamn, he liked Nick. He liked who he was. Nick was the best person he knew, and he’d had more impact on Colton’s life in six months than anyone else ever had.
Did he have father issues? Objectively, yes. But was that what was happening here? Were wires getting crossed between his admiration and affection for Nick and the empty places where a dad should have been in his life? No, he didn’t think so. Nick wasn’t his dad, and he didn’twantNick to be his dad. Nick was a great father, and Colton idolized how Nick loved Justin with everything he was. But if he let himself think it, what he wanted from Nick was nothing close to fatherly.
Nothing close atall.
He wanted Nick to crave him like he craved Nick. He wanted Nick to kiss him, run his hands over Colton’s body. Wrap his arms around Colton’s waist, bury his face in Colton’s chest or the center of his back. He wanted Nick’s world to be full of Colton, like Colton’s world was full to the brim with Nick.
He wanted Nick to fall for him, because Colton had already fallen for Nick.
He stayed facedown on the bed as the truth settled inside him like a new set of bones, a new network of muscles and veins and ligaments laid over the old, facing a truth he should have recognized long before. How much of a fool was he that he hadn’t realized what he was feeling for the man until right now?
Eventually he peeled himself off the bed, wincing as the cool air of the room hit his exposed cock. He ran his hands over the mattress, the comforter. Wet spots. Fuck. He fumbled in the dark, heading for the bathroom, and stubbed his toe on the way. Nick snorted but didn’t wake. Colton didn’t dare turn on any lights, and he wet a washcloth, rinsed his crotch and belly, wiped down his shorts, and then scrubbed at the blankets and mattress by feel. He slid back into bed just after four a.m. Nick was still sleeping and had rolled to his back, one arm thrown over his head.
He could go to Nick, crawl into his bed. Straddle him, gently lower himself until he was on Nick’s lap. Pull the sheet down. Lean in and brush his nose along Nick’s jaw. Over his nose, too, smiling as Nick’s eyes fluttered open and he saw Colton was there. Nick would reach for him, slide his hand into Colton’s hair. SayColtonand then wrap his hand around the back of Colton’s neck, tug him down until their lips met—
No, Jesus. Nick wouldn’t do that at all. Never in a million years.
His eyes blurred until he couldn’t see Nick through the kaleidoscope of his tears. He stayed on his side, facing Nick, catching watery glimpses of the man every time he blinked.
It wouldn’t happen. It wouldneverhappen. Nick was the worst possible man in the world for him to have fallen for. Not only was there no chance, there wasn’t even a sliver of hope. Nick was straight. Nick was older and more experienced than him. More refined. Nick had the world in the palm of his hand.
Nick wasJustin’s dad.
Kimbrough’s twang came back to him, the words he’d casually thrown across the table after dinner.My heart stopped, and I couldn’t breathe, and all I could think about was how I never wanted to let this woman go. I wanted to be her mister for the rest of my days.
His own heart ached, and his lungs burned, still trying to drag in nonexistent air. He wanted this summer to last forever. Wanted to always start his mornings with Nick’s smile and shared cups of coffee, for every hour to be filled with Nick’s voice and his laugh and the crinkle of his eyes when he turned Colton’s way. Wanted Nick’s face to be the last thing he saw each night.I want to be your quarterback for the rest of my days.
His tears fell in slow drips until the sun rose and spilled rose-and-gold-flecked light across their bedroom. Then he dried his eyes on the pillowcase and turned his back on Nick. Maybe he could get an hour of sleep if he stopped staring at the man.
Of course, when he fell asleep again, Nick was waiting in his dreams.
Chapter Eleven
Colton hada lifetime’s worth of practice hiding everything important away from other people, so it was easy to hide this, too.
At least, from the world. And from Nick.
But he couldn’t hide anything from himself. He was soawareof Nick, suddenly. Nick filled his life, enveloping Colton’s days and nights completely. Nick lived in Colton’s dreams as they spun a make-believe relationship behind Colton’s eyelids. When he slept, Nick took his hand and pulled him close, or wrapped his arms around him, or threw his arm around Colton’s shoulders while they sat together on the couch. Colton laid his head in Nick’s lap as Nick playedRed Dead, and he held Nick’s hand while they drove up and down every road in Texas. He threw touchdown passes for Nick and turned to the stands. Found Nick cheering for him after every one. He lay down in Nick’s bed and brushed kisses over Nick’s eyebrows and his cheekbones and his chin. He threaded their hands together and gazed into Nick’s eyes, and he never, ever wanted to close his eyes in his dreams, because when he did—
He woke in Justin’s bed, in a world where he didn’t know what Nick’s hands felt like or what his kisses tasted like, and where he was alone. Not alone physically, because he was still staying at Nick’s condo and working with him every day. But he was alone where it really mattered. Alone in his heart, where he ached for Nick.
