Page 56 of The Grave Between Us
Noah turned and paced back to his office. His shoulders shook, and he stared out over Des Moines, hands on his hips. He heard heavy footsteps, and a presence filled the office behind him. He glanced over his shoulder and saw Jacob leaning against the wall, scowling.
Sophie appeared a moment later, a frown creasing her face. She looked from Noah to Jacob and then back to Noah. He was still shaking in front of the windows. Goddamn it. King was right, but he was also wrong. It wasn’t the time for pissing matches, but it also wasn’t the time to be an asshole, turn FBI agents against FBI agents. His people would bend over backward for King if he asked for the help. They could find this Ian Ingram and stop him. There wasn’t a better group of agents than his team, no matter what King thought.
Slam. Noah’s raging was interrupted by the sudden bone-jarring slam of his office door. He jumped, spun around.
Sophie leaned against his desk, smirking as she folded her arms. “Well, you weren’t going to slam it,” she said. “But it needed to happen.”
Jacob grinned. Noah shook his head, but despite himself, a small smile poked free.
“Feel better?” Sophie asked.
Noah didn’t answer. “Sophie, can you pull a few cars for King and his team? No need to give him the Mercedes, but make sure whatever you pick is reliable.”
She snorted but nodded.
“It looks like we’re going to be hosting the BAU for a while, so let’s make this as painless as possible for everyone involved. Whatever they need, they get, and other than that, stay out of their way.”
Sophie and Jacob nodded again. “What’s going on, anyway?” Sophie asked. “Is this about your shooting? How come they snapped up that and shut us out? And why are they back now, all of a sudden, throwing their weight around? Who the hell are they looking for?”
Director’s Eyes Only. He couldn’t share what Cole had told him. Noah wasn’t supposed to know that Ian Ingram existed, that the FBI had him once and lost him, or that he’d popped back up again. Even though Ingram had shot Noah and Jacob, the details of that very investigation were classified above his pay grade. “I can’t go into the details. I’m sorry. But Director King is right: this is a major investigation, and the best thing we can do is give them our support.”
“What about Cole?” Jacob rumbled. “How’s he fit in with the BAU? Is he working for King, or is he working with us?”
“Cole is doing whatever needs to be done. One man is already in danger because we were too slow to realize what was in front of our faces. I’m not going to put up any roadblocks.” Noah grabbed his jacket off the back of his chair and shrugged it on. “King sent Cole out to work the ground case, and I’m going to go help him. For all Cole’s expertise in profiling and criminal psychology, he’s still inexperienced when it comes to the nuts and bolts of an investigation on his own. Jacob, can I borrow your car?”
* * *
He droveout to Oak Haven Meadows, retracing the drive they’d made on Saturday, so full of optimism on the way there and then so full of despair as they made their way home. Noah had been excited about taking the first concrete steps to plan their wedding, and when it had all gone sideways, he’d wanted, for a moment, to press pause on everything. Maybe it was a sign, he’d thought, them getting thrown out of the venue. Maybe they should wait. Maybe—
Why did it sometimes feel like complicated was their default, and the moments in between were holding patterns, waiting games until the sky opened up on them again, another deluge pouring down on their happiness?
But even if the skies did fall, and the world collapsed, and he and Cole were left in the ruins, he’d rather be with Cole than without him. There was no comparison. Before, it was like he’d been living in a fog, searching with his hands tied behind his back. Numb and scared, too afraid to stop and take a breath, look inside himself and see the truth. He’d had an idea what he wanted, but even the idea scared him senseless.
And then there was Cole, and his life changed from one moment to the next.
Now he could feel distance growing between them, inches that felt like miles. They’d never had that problem before—at least, not after they found their footing. It had been their commitment to each other, unspoken but lived, actualized: they were wholehearted, all in. He’d wanted forever so badly he ached for it, was certain he was screwing up every other day because he wanted it so deeply. Then Cole proposed, and again, they were all in, together, Noah’s fears about his ability to be the husband Cole deserved notwithstanding.
He didn’t want to lose Cole, and there were so many ways he could. But he always fearedhe’ddo something to drive Cole away,he’dbe the one who screwed up and who made Cole second-guess forever and their love story.
Forever, so certain only a short time ago, seemed precarious now. He could feel a looming shadow, something that made his heart race and his lungs seize, but he couldn’t see what was coming out of the darkness. Cole had left out pieces of the story he’d told, gaping holes Noah could feel but not see. Tears in his lover’s soul, places where Cole had been emptied.
Noah had never seen Cole terrified before. Even when Noah had been so fucking scared his heart almost gave out, even when he’d feared he wouldn’t survive past the next moment, Cole had been there, and he’d been the kind of strong Noah thought only existed in novels and Hollywood epics. Noah had clung to Cole and fallen to pieces, and Cole had patiently waited for Noah to glue himself back together again, better than he’d been before. Thanks to Cole.
He’d never seen Cole fall apart. He’d never seen him on the ragged edge before. Cole was never vulnerable in such a raw, agonized way. He was bleeding naked fear, the stink of it pulsing between them.
Noah had no idea what to do.
Stay away, like Cole seemed to want? Let Cole shut himself in the office, bury himself in the case file, fall into the past? Cole was relentlessly chasing his nightmares, beating his conscience until he nearly broke himself.
Was this the slide, accelerating? Friday night, he’d been so bold and hopeful, wanting to arrest the inertia of the collapse. Stand in the way of the fall. He’d thought looking at a wedding site would help them, and now…
Damn it, he’d empty the FBI’s closets for Cole, drag the skeletons Director Harper had buried out into the sunlight. He’d face down any monster for Cole, stand at his side against the darkness. He’d curse the shattered sky and cover Cole’s head from the rain, shelter him in his hold. He’d change Cole’s life, if he could, as much as Cole had changed his own.
If Cole would let him.
He pulled into the nearly empty parking lot at Oak Haven Meadows, parking beside Cole’s SUV. Well, Noah’s SUV, which Cole was borrowing. Cole normally drove one of the Bureau sedans. It had been parked in the driveway of their house for two weeks now, turning stale.
The last time he had walked up this path, he’d done so hand in hand with Cole. And then they’d been thrown out. Noah shoved that aside as he passed the barn, heading for the bed and breakfast. Bells jangled as he pushed open the door. He walked inside and came face to face with Cole, sitting behind the desk in the inn’s office, the same older man and woman who had thrown them out hovering over his shoulders and watching the computer screen.
