Page 98 of The Jock
“Well, ballet,” Justin said slowly. “The positions. Ballet is a series of positions and movements, and you have to learn how to execute each of them crisply before you can put it all together. I was more advanced than the other students because of the other dance I’ve done, but it was still a different focus. It’s just an intro class, but my instructor said I should try out for a local dance company. And Wes thought I was pretty good when we had the little class showcase, but his opinion doesn’t count.” Justin tried to laugh. It fell flat.
“Of course his opinion counts.”
“He loves me. He’s always going to like what I do.” As soon as the words were out, Justin cringed. He looked away.
Nick reached across the table and laid his hand on top of his son’s. “Yes, the people who love you are going to support you. And they will always think you’re special. But that doesn’t mean that you’re not.”
Justin’s jaw clenched.
“Are you going to try out for the dance company?”
“It’s not a big deal. At best, I’d be a backup dancer—”
“Itisa big deal. It’s a big deal because you enjoy it. If you want to do it, then go for it. Backup dancers become lead dancers all the time.”
“Dad…”
“I’m sorry I missed your class performance. What did you do?”
“I danced Odette’s intro fromSwan Lake.” Justin’s gaze fell to his lap.
“Did anyone record it?”
“I don’t know. Maybe. I can ask the instructor if she did.”
“Please check? I’d like to see it.” He squeezed Justin’s hand and sat back. “And I’d like to come to your next performance, if you want me to be there.”
His son was quiet. Then, “What is all this? Why are you doing this?”
“Because I love you, Justin. I don’t just love the new football fan part of you, or the part that’s dating Wes, or the part where we don’t talk about anything you like. I love all of you, and I want to know all of you. You’ve held back a lot from me, and I’m not sure why or how that started, or how we got to where we are. I know I should have been more tuned in, and I’m going to be, from here on. If you’re afraid I’m going to pull back and think something you like is too much, or too gay…” He shook his head. “That will never happen.”
Justin’s eyes were watery when he looked up, and he blinked fast, wiped his fingers beneath his lashes, stared at the restaurant’s ceiling. “You remind me of Wes sometimes,” he said, sniffing. “Or maybe Wes reminds me of you? I don’t know. Maybe there’s something to that whole daddy issues thing. One thing I love so damn much about Wes is how kind he is, how supportive he is. He’s all in when he loves someone, and I’d never felt that before. I didn’t think anyone loved me unconditionally until he did. But now you’re here, and you are saying all these things, and…” He cupped his hands over his face and set his elbows on the table. His shoulders shook.
“Of course I love you unconditionally. I’m sorry you didn’t know that. I’m sorry I wasn’t a better father to you. I’m sorry you didn’t know I supported everything you wanted. I mean, I wasn’t too thrilled about the underage drinking, and some of your friends in high school were a little wild. But all I’ve wanted for you, since the day you were born, was for you to be happy. You have to know: there’s nothing about you I don’t like or that I want to change.”
“Then why didn’t you and Mom support me when I joined the drill team? You had the baseball team yard signs and bumper stickers up for years after I quit. That didn’t really fill me up with confidence and acceptance.”
Nick’s eyes slid closed. “Your mother didn’t want to take them down. I thought… I thought I was helping her. I thought…” He shook his head. “I thought if she had time, she’d accept you. You didn’t exactly come out the easiest way possible.”
“I’m sorry about how I did that,” Justin mumbled. “I just had to stop the expectations. The pressure. I swear she was already planning my wedding and had picked out names for my kids.”
“We always wanted to have more kids, and we couldn’t. Maybe she turned all that hope and expectation onto you. I don’t know, because she and I never talked about it, and maybe we should have. I should have seen how what she was doing was affecting you. There’s a lot of things I did wrong.”
Justin was quiet for a long time. Then, he said, “You could still have more kids, Dad. You’re young.”
He snorted. “I’m not young.”
“You’re not old.”
“I have a perfect son, Justin. I got everything right my first try.” He winked, trying to lighten the moment. “Why mess with success?”
Justin laughed. He grabbed his napkin and dried his eyes. “I’m not perfect. I was kind of a bitch when I was a teenager. I’m sorry about all of… that. Being with Wes, and going through this season, taught me a lot about patience. And priorities. You know, I told myself once I’d never date a man in the closet?”
Nick snorted.
“Obviously, that didn’t stick.” Justin grinned. “Though I have to say, I’m glad we don’t have to hide anymore.”
“Wes is good for you in a lot of ways. I can see it, and more than that, I can feel it. You feel more grounded. More certain of yourself.”
