Page 75 of The Night Of
“It’s whatever you need it to be,” Steven said softly.
“Steven—”
“I knew you would do it, Lover. I knew you would figure it all out. I knew you would bring her down.”
“My God, Steven—”
“You’ve always been there for me. God, I hope I was there for you half as much as you were for me over the years.”
He couldn’t speak, not through the way his throat had closed. Too much had grabbed him: rage and grief and disbelief and wonder and, on top of everything else, a sorrow that broke his bones, made him want to fall to his knees. “Of course you were—”
“We had some great times, didn’t we?” Steven laughed again, shaking his head as he took Jonathan’s hand. “Remember when we went to the Oktoberfest in Berlin? And we met that brother-and-sister duo?”
Jonathan flushed.
“And when we went to Venice? Remember when that gondola pilot serenaded us when we took that boat ride? Like we were a couple?”
“You pretended we were. You even tried to kiss me.”
“What was it you told me?” Steven laughed. “I wasn’t your type?”
“You’re not.” He chuckled as the tears formed, blurring Steven’s face until he wiped them away. He couldn’t bear to not see Steven—his wide smile, his glowing eyes. The silver at his temples and the creases along his forehead. Evidence of the years they’d shared, the lives they’d lived in parallel. “Remember when we went camping up above the Arctic Circle? In Norway?” Memories, moments and afternoons and evenings and mornings they’d spent together. Traveling the world, arguing over policy, propping each other up at the pub, listening to their heartbreaks and their hopes. Bike riding and mountain climbing and skiing, camping and kayaking and running. All the minutes and hours and days that made a life and made a life shared. “Remember—”
Remember everything?
Steven turned on his patio chair, shifting until he was facing Jonathan. He took Jonathan’s face in his hands. They were large—workman’s hands, even though he’d worked in an office his entire life. Jonathan used to call him the Bear Man because of those paws.
“We had great times, Lover.” He grinned, winked. “I guess I can’t call you Lover anymore, can I? Not when you’ve finally found The One.”
Jonathan felt his cheeks flush. He blinked away tears again. “Steven…”
“I remember watching you fall for Sean. I don’t think I’d ever seen you head over heels. You were like a puppy, like you’d found the one thing in the whole world you’d always wanted. Oh, my heart ached for you, Lover. You wanted him so badly, but you were doing your best to hide it.”
“I didn’t hide it well enough, apparently.”
“I know you, my dear friend.” Steven chuckled. He brushed his thumbs over Jonathan’s cheekbones, wiping away a cascade of tears. “I can read every part of you, like you could read me. We were open books to each other.”
“Then—” A sob burst out of him, breaking free from his broken heart and his clenching lungs. “Why didn’t I see what was happening?”
“You did.” Again, Steven’s thumbs traced his cheekbones. “And you did what you’ve always done. You set yourself at my side and let me lean on you. In this, too. You were there when I needed you most, when everything fell apart.”
He was silent, rocking forward into Steven’s hold. “Why didn’t I save you?”
Steven sighed. He pressed his lips to Jonathan’s forehead. “You found out the truth,” Steven breathed. “You stopped her.”
“That’s not enough!” Jonathan roared. “I want you here! I want you back! Damn it, Steven, I want you with me. I want you to know Sean. I want you to tell me yes, he’s the one, he’s the man I’ve wanted my whole life. I want you to be there when I marry him!” Choking, he buried his face in Steven’s chest, letting his tears soak Steven’s dress shirt.
Steven let him sob, running his hand up and down Jonathan’s back and neck. “I tried to protect you, as much as I could. I wasn’t going to make you into one of her targets, ” he said. “We had a great life together, Jonathan. Now it’s time for you to build a life with Sean. And that life is going to be wonderful.” He guided Jonathan back, beaming as he held Jonathan’s tear-soaked gaze. “I’m so goddamn happy for you.”
Jonathan moaned.
“Thank you,” Steven breathed. “Thank you for being the best friend a man could ever ask for. Thank you for being with me every step of the way. I wish I could be there with you as all your dreams come true. I wish I could be the brother to Sean that you were to me. But I’m going to be watching. I’m going to be cheering you on. You’re going to hear my voice in your head and you’re going to think about me, and when you do, know that I’m there with you, okay?”
“No…” Jonathan clung to Steven, grabbing his arms again. “No, don’t go. Don’t go, Steven.”
“I won’t be far. Tell Sean I’ll be watching him, too. He better keep treating you right. You deserve the world, Jonathan, and I know he’s the man that’s going to give it to you.”
“Steven—”
