Page 69 of The Murder Between Us
Cole let out a soft, surprised puff of air. Noah heard the crackle over the line. He said nothing.
That’s what I was afraid of.Noah swallowed the sob he wanted to scream. “Katie has a million questions now. Questions about us. What we’re doing together. What happens next. She wanted to know if you were going to move in with us.”
Silence.
“She wanted to know if you were going to be there at her games this fall. My God, Cole, she has so many hopes already. She’s built up this future in her mind, and—”
“Noah—”
“She didexactlywhat I did. She jumped in with both feet, before everything was figured out, and…”
“And what?”
“All that does is lead to hurt.”
“What are you saying?” Cole’s voice was careful, measured. “I can’t read your mind, Noah.”
“I’m saying I don’t see how this can go anywhere. You live in D.C. I live here. Neither of us can move. I’m saying it’s not fair to Katie to introduce her to you and give her all these hopes for a happy family life again, when all we are is—” He stopped.
“Is what?” Cole’s voice was challenging.
“What we are.” His lips thinned. “Fuck buddies, right?”
Silence. Hard, cold silence.
“I’m saying that I made a mistake tonight. I leaped without looking. I introduced Katie to you, and now I’ve gotten her hopes up for something that won’t happen. I’m not even… I’m not even sure if I’m ready to really come out.”
“I thought you wanted me to help you. I said I’d be there for you through that. I mean, I thought you were basically telling Jacob tonight.”
He sighed. “Cole…”
“This is not really a conversation, is it?” Cole’s breath shook. “This is you telling me what you’ve already decided. Did you want to talk about this at all? Or did you want to decide the future, our future, again? Without any input from me.”
“That’s not fair—”
“No, what you’re doing isn’t fair! You’re telling me we’re just fuck buddies? That there’s nothing here, that this isn’t going anywhere? Do I get a say in that? Do I get to tell you howIfeel, or are we playing the game where only how Noah feels matters?”
“Cole—”
“Fuck buddies? Really?”Cole made a noise, something between a snort and a chuckle, dark and ugly.“If you were just a fuck buddy, I wouldn’t have bothered wanting to reconnect with you. If all you were was a piece of ass from Vegas, I wouldn’t have bothered withanyof this,”he snarled.“I can pluck a fuck buddy from thin air! I’m not interested in another fuck buddy! Maybe you are. Maybe that’s what you want, what you’ve wanted all along. Which, fine. You know what? Better to find out now, before this really did go somewhere I was hoping it might. I really, really should have taken a hint from Vegas.”
“Cole—”
“Did you just want to scratch your last itch? Were you looking for one final gay fling before you slammed your closet door shut?”
“I have to think about Katie.”
“It may shock you, but I was thinking about her, too. Do you think so little of me that you think I’d toy with her? Do you think I’d be so careless with your daughter? If you were in my shoes, would you have met someone’s daughter if you didn’t care about them? If you just wanted them as a fuck buddy?”
It was his turn to be silent. He couldn’t see, not anymore. The world was salt water and agony, tears and a thousand splinters as he dug his thumb into the wood over and over. “I’m sorry.”
“So that’s it? You’ve decided. This is the end, because you say there’s no future. Because you can’t imagine I’d have already thought about this, already looked at flying between D.C. and Des Moines, already imagined how I could figure out how to prioritize what I wanted in my own life. Because you can’t imagine I’d want to put you, and Katie, first. Because you think you know best, you know everything, huh?”
“Cole—”
“Damn it, Noah.” Cole sniffed, the first time Noah had heard anything other than anger—raging, quaking anger—from him since Noah had started this awful conversation. “I never wanted to say goodbye to you.”Cole’s voice shook. “Not in Vegas. And not here. I wanted—”
“What? What do you want?”
