Page 38 of The Murder Between Us
Damn it, he was going to crack if this went on much longer. He’d wanted to apologize, clear the air. Explain himself. Tell Cole it wasn’t him—God, it wasn’t him at all. It was Noah. It was how he’d boxed himself in and was living in a straitjacket, and he’d inadvertently pulled Cole into the disaster that was his life, too.
Cole’s voice, when it came, was thick. “You said you wanted to keep in touch? In your text message.”
“I was being desperate and pathetic—”
“Stop it, Noah. You said you wanted to. Were you telling the truth?”
He met Cole’s gaze across the table. Cole’s eyes were shining, glazed with fractured diamonds, a million refractions of sunlight quivering in the thin line of wetness hovering behind his eyelashes.
“I’ve never lied to you. Everything has been the truth. Yes, I daydreamed all the way to the airport that I could keep in touch with you, maybe meet up with you in D.C. or Chicago. Or anywhere. I wanted to see you again. I would have gone anywhere you wanted.”
Cole’s expression went hard. He looked down.
Noah pressed on. He might as well eviscerate himself fully. Share it all. “I thought if we kept in touch, I could slowly come out. I thought I could get my feet underneath me, and that maybe you could guide me—” His throat closed. No more words came.
“Noah…” His name was a whisper, and it spun away on the lazy drafts of the ceiling fan. Cole chewed his lower lip, rolling it back and forth between his teeth. “Ireallyliked you. I mean, I’m not going to lie—” He grinned, looking embarrassed. “At first, I just thought you were smoking hot, and I wanted to pick you up because of that shirt you were wearing. And those pants.”
He almost smiled. “At first?”
“But when we started talking and spent time together, it was different. I never wanted the night to end.” His words floated inside Noah. “Everything you’re saying is what I’ve been trying to convince myself: It was just a one-night stand. You didn’t want anything more. You were just being polite that morning, taking my number. It didn’t mean to you what it meant to me.”
Noah flinched, like he’d been kicked in the gut.
“I wanted to see you again, too,” Cole said.
The fan spun, air currents pushing down on them. Traffic idled past, lines of sedans and SUVs and pickup trucks. Noah counted the cars, feeling the weight of the world bend his spine. Crush his heart.You ruined everything. You’re a coward, and you ruined everything.
“We still could,” Cole whispered. “I would love to see you outside of the office. Outside of this case. We could steal away from everything, be two guys who might fall for each other.”
“I could easily fall for you. So easily. In some ways I already have.”
“I haven’t stopped thinking about you since you walked out that door. Even flying here, I was still thinking about you, missing you. WonderingWhat ifand wishing…” Cole shook his head.
“Why do you want anything to do with me? I’m nothing like you, Cole. I’m older than you—”
“Not by much.”
“—and I’m boring. I’m the definition of boring—”
“We’ve got to work on your self-worth issues.”
“Okay, Dr. Kennedy—” Noah started to pull back.
“You’re a great guy, Noah. Don’t you see that? You’re not boring. You’re a great father. You love Katie, and she loves you back. You’re a great agent. I can’t tell you how many field offices I go to that run less than half as well as this one, or whose investigations are just piles of shit thrown against the wall.”
“We don’t have any idea who this guy is—”
“And that’s the point. That’shispoint. He does everything he can to not be caught. He may have some kind of law enforcement experience or knowledge driving how meticulous he is with his scenes. But even without that, methodical sadistic serial killers are the hardest offenders to catch. As much work as they put into their fantasies and their kills, they put the same into not getting caught. If it were easy to catch them, there would never be a victim two, or three, and my job wouldn’t exist. Catching these guys is excruciating. I promise you, you’re not the only agent who has felt like this. It’s notyou. You’re not a failure.”
Noah held his breath. He could fall into Cole’s eyes, get lost inside of the man. “I wasn’t a good husband.”
“I’ve known you for a week, and I can already tell that you’re the kind of guy who will do the best he can in everything. Who will sacrifice himself and keep going, pushing, always trying. I don’t believe you didn’t give your all to your marriage, even if, in the end, it wasn’t what you needed.”
“I tried,” he breathed, his gaze cratering to the tabletop. “I tried to be not like this. For Lilly, and for Katie—”
“What about foryou? What does Noah want to?”
“I want to be me,” he said, so quickly it surprised him. He looked at Cole, into Cole. He wanted Cole so Goddamn much. Wanted to be the man Cole wanted in return. “I want last Wednesday.”
