Page 30 of The Murder Between Us
Nothing felt funny now. He put the SUV in gear and merged back into traffic. He’d dropped Katie off at her best friend’s house that morning before school started, bringing Susan, Evelyn’s mom, a cup of coffee and a croissant and an apology. Susan was polite, if distant, and he’d felt the same judgment from her that he’d felt from everyone else:You want to raise your daughter on your own? You?
How could he take responsibility for Katie if he couldn’t even get her to and from school without a detour to the ER? Lilly’s accusations had echoed in his skull all night. He wasn’t able to take care of Katie. He wasn’t watching out for her. She was getting up to all sorts of things behind his back while he wasn’t looking. She’d never ended up in the ER when she lived with Lilly.
He couldn’t really argue with her. Which just made him even angrier as the night bled on.
Sometime around four a.m. he’d given up and tried to retreat to his happy place. His make-believe fantasy, where he was who he wanted to be, and nothing ever went wrong. He had the love of a man, some tall, gorgeous man who never had a face, and Katie lived with them, and she was happy and vibrant and successful. There wasn’t any fear in that place.
But his fantasy had turned on him, and the anonymous man he always cast as his partner shifted, changed, and suddenly it was Cole flipping pancakes and brewing coffee, Cole helping Katie with her homework, Cole leaning across the sink to give him a kiss. Cole leaning over him, hands on the mattress beside Noah’s face, his naked body sliding over Noah’s, his voice whispering Noah’s name, sayingI lo—
He’d hurled himself into the shower and turned the dial to freezing, then stood in the spray for twenty minutes, until all he could hear was his teeth chattering and he couldn’t feel the whisper of Cole’s hands on him any longer.
He passed McDonald’s on the left. His stomach lurched. He nearly had to roll down the window again.
Cole was waiting outside his hotel, dressed in chinos, a slim button-down, and a sport coat. His badge with the rainbow lanyard was tucked into an inner pocket of his coat. Noah could see it sweeping down from his neck. Cole lived out loud, proudly, effortlessly. He’d never once seemed to care about anyone else’s opinion of him, not in Vegas and not here in Des Moines. He had certainty in himself, and he had a confidence Noah could only barely comprehend, barely even imagine.
Some of that confidence had to come from his good looks. The man was practically a model. Or at least, he was to Noah. His blond hair was combed just so, a wave that swept back off his face. He had mirrored aviators on, and he looked so handsome it made Noah’s chest seize.I kissed him, he wanted to scream.I made that man come. I, I did. One night, he wanted me. Boring, plain me.
Cole climbed in when he pulled up. Noah held out the second Starbucks cup silently. He’d needed about a gallon of coffee at his house after his freezing shower, and he’d bought another cup for himself when he picked up Susan and Cole’s coffee.
He waited as Cole pried off the lid and inspected his coffee. Noah had spent an agonizingly long time adding cream and stirring it up, trying to find the exact shade of wall-colored beige that would make Cole happy. Did Cole want milk, or cream, or half-and-half? Sugar? White or raw or artificial? He’d done his best and hoped the handful of travel creamers and sugars he had shoved in the center console was enough.
“This is great,” Cole said after his first sip. “Creamy with a side of coffee. Thank you.”
Noah grunted. Relief roared through him. He bottled it up, revealing nothing. “There’s sugar and more cream if you need it.”
“I don’t.”
Silence settled between them again. Noah’s bones vibrated.Say something. This is the first man you ever kissed. This is the man who answered The Question for you. Say something!
“Katie is a great kid,” Cole finally said as they were turning into the FBI parking lot. “A lot like you.” He tried to smile. Stared down at his coffee instead. One fingernail played with the lip of the plastic lid. “I’m sorry if I crossed a line last night. Teens, they’re always fascinated by criminal profiling. I’ve done a few high school career fairs, and it’s all anyone ever asks about. I thought I might be able to distract her, or at least bring up her mood.” Cole shrugged, an uncharacteristic nervousness passing over his features. “But you didn’t seem thrilled about it, and I didn’t ask if it was all right to share that kind of stuff.”
Noah parked the SUV. “She was fascinated. I could have done without knowing she already knew what a condom was, though.” He shook his head.
“She’s sixteen. Kids these days—”
“She’s mydaughter,” Noah snapped. “She’s not just one of the kids these days.”
Cole pressed his lips together.
“Sorry. I’m not used to her growing up. When the divorce happened, she was still my little girl. Four years and every other weekend, and all of a sudden, she’s…”
“She adores you. And she respects you.”
Noah snorted.
“She does. She looks up to you. Listens to you. You’re doing a great job.”
His throat clenched, and his chest went tight, as if a band had squeezed all the way around him. No one had ever told him he was doing a good job with Katie. Not in the months since she’d moved in, or before that, when he was trying to make every other weekend work with pizza and frozen chicken nuggets and trips to the park and museums and water slides. His vision blurred, and he blinked fast behind his sunglasses. One tear slipped free, falling down his cheek. He turned away.
“Noah…” Cole inhaled. “I’m sorry about what I texted you last night. I was angry. I had a hundred things I could have said, and I went with the worst choice. I’m sorry. And I just want to say—”
Noah braced himself. His fingers squeezed so hard on the steering wheel he thought they’d break.Tear into me. Eviscerate me. Be angry. I deserve it.
“I had a great time with you,” Cole said softly. “That night. I had agreattime with you. I loved every moment. I was looking forward to seeing you again on Thursday.”
Oh, God. This was worse, so much worse. This wasn’t what Cole was supposed to say.
“I know we’re not supposed to talk about it. And I won’t. I won’t ever bring it up again. But you need to know I’m not here to hurt you. I’m not here to out you. I promise, I’m not going to do anything to jeopardize your life and how you choose to live it. What happened in Vegas will always be our secret.”
