Page 36 of Splintered
Dr. Kao ran her hand over the top of the box until she reached the ring box. She sighed. “Ben, we need to talk about Evan.”
“I don’t think I’m the most appropriate person to discuss Evan’s situation anymore.” He swallowed hard. There was a knife stabbing his throat. Or maybe his back. “He’s not getting better here. Or with me. Maybe we need time apart. Maybe I’m making things worse—”
Maybe he just wants to go to New York, and he’s so fucking mad he can’t that he’s taking it all out on me now.
All night long, boxing and packing up Evan’s things, trying to figure out what was going on, come up with some reason, some explanation. Find an answer towhy.
“Evan has designated you his medical power of attorney. He has an advanced directive—”
“He does?”
“—and he named you as his health care proxy. Legally, we have to discuss Evan’s care with you.” Dr. Kao frowned. “You didn’t know?”
Ben shook his head. “He never told me he had done that. He never told me a lot of things, though.”
Silence. The old man was still staring at Ben, almost staring through him. In the house, he looked different, as if he’d lived a life that wasn’t of this earth. He seemed familiar. Something tugged at Ben’s brain, something that pulled on his exhausted memories.
“Things have changed for you?” Dr. Kao’s voice broke the fragile stillness. She tapped the top box of Evan’s stacked belongings. “Evan did not mention he was moving out.”
He couldn’t speak, not right away. He looked down, looked away. Crossed his arms over his chest. Tried to force his voice to push past his clenched throat, the way his heart bled down his ribs. “I can’t do this anymore. I’m not what he needs, clearly. Things have only gotten worse—”
You should have killed him, because he’s going to kill you! You swore you’d always be with him! I’m going to hold you to that fucking promise, until I’m bathing in your blood!
He turned away and braced himself against Evan’s boxes. That voice, that horrible voice. That wasn’t Evan. It wasn’t Evan saying these things, doing these things. It wasn’t him in the middle of the night saying those creepy, terrifying things about what was inside of him, cutting himself up to peer inside and find out. Or cutting Ben open.
But Evan had wrestled Ben down in the bathroom, and he’d felt Evan’s weight pin him to the tile. He’d thought, for those moments, that Evan was going to attack him. Brutalize him.
Kill him.
How do you know I’m still in here? What if I’m not me anymore, but there’s something that’s pretending to be me? That knows me so well it can mimic me? In every way, so perfectly that even you can’t tell?
“Evan—” or whatever Evan had become “—attacked me. He tried to kill me. He tried to kill himself. I can’t… I can’t be a part of that. He’s getting worse, not better.” If Evan was getting better, he wouldn’t have broken so completely. Wouldn’t have tried to bleed himself out in their bathroom.
Wouldn’t have attacked Ben.
“I’m going to his parents. I’m going to tell them what’s going on. They need to know. They’re his family. They will know how to take care of him. He can live with them while he’s recovering. Right now, him and me…”
“You’re his family, too,” Dr. Kao said softly.
Two gold rings flashed in his mind. Ben closed his eyes.
“Evan is not close with his family,” the old man said. His voice sounded like water babbling through a creek, the sun setting on a mountain range as old as time. Deep as the ocean, and as true. “He lives in fear of his family. Fear of their rejection. That fear has pushed him away from them for years.”
“I’m sorry, who are you?” Ben frowned.
“My name is Father Mathew,” the old man said, “and I have been Evan’s counselor for many months.”
Time stilled, like a hummingbird pausing mid-wing-flap. Ben’s breath shuddered, freezing half-in and half-out of his lungs. The sunlight slanting through the stained-glass window in the front door fractured, splintered, rainbows of light breaking over the foyer.
“Counseling?” How? Why? Evan wasn’t religious. He’d left the church behind in high school, he’d said. Couldn’t reconcile who he was and a loving God that damned him to eternal hellfire. No thanks, he’d said, and never looked back. Religion was for his parents, religion was what he feared. Not once,never, had Evan hinted he was nearing his faith again.
“Let’s sit down, Ben,” Dr. Kao said. “We have so much to discuss.”
* * *
He made coffee in a daze,bringing three cups of straight black to the living room where Dr. Kao and Father Mathew waited. Now that he knew, he kicked himself for missing the signs. Father Mathew wore an all-black suit, head to toe. The only thing missing was the white clerical collar, but he could see where it was supposed to go. The top button on Father Mathew’s shirt was undone. Sparse white chest hair peeked over the top.
He blinked as he caught Father Mathew’s profile, outlined in sunlight that drenched the living room through the front windows, the same ones Evan had opened in the middle of the night. His memories clicked into place, another day of sunshine, another place.
