Page 207 of Whisper
“No,” Kris whispered. “I found nothing.”
“Which, again, means he chose to stay away.” George pinched the bridge of his nose. “Kris before I came in here, I received the forensic report from the FBI. They were able to positively ID the DNA samples they took from your apartment and from the forensic exam at the hospital. I… don’t think I have to tell you this. It’s definitely Haddad. I’m about to brief Director Edwards on everything. Do you have… any idea why he’s back? Now? And why he’d steal your CIA material?”
Kris closed his eyes. Tried to think. Nothing made sense. Nothing added up. His mind kept jumping, bouncing from Dawood in the moonlight, performing his prayers, to Dawood lying over him, Dawood sliding inside of him, smiling, gazing at him like he was something long lost and beautiful. The way he’d held him, the touch of his rough fingertips against his skin. How his voice had whispered his name right before he came inside Kris’s body, everything within Dawood shuddering and trembling. Hadn’t that been real? Hadn’t that been something?
“I don’t have any idea why he’s back. Or why he’d steal from me. I thought… I thought he came back forme. To me. But that’s just not true.” Blinking fast, he looked away, staring at the boring walls, the faded paint and the scuff marks as his vision blurred.
George murmured for the polygrapher and Dan to join him outside. Kris waited, blinking back his tears. He wouldn’t give George the satisfaction of his agony. Wouldn’t give the cameras, the permanent record, or Ryan, who was probably still watching, the joy of his anguish. Watch the gay boy suffer. Yeah, Ryan would get off on that shit. No. He’d hold his chin high. He’d get through this. Somehow. No matter what.
Eventually, Dan came back with the polygrapher, who unhooked him from the machines, freeing him from the cables and the monitors. He’d dislodged the pupil monitor when he’d head-butted Ryan, but apparently that didn’t matter.
“You flunked the polygraph,” Dan said, leaning back against the wall and folding his arms. “But it’s pretty clear why.”
“No shit.” Kris shook the pulse monitor off his finger. “Whose fucking brilliant idea was it to polygraph me today?”
“Ryan.” Dan shrugged. “You know how he is.”
Kris glared Dan down, as if he could murder with his stare alone. “What’s the verdict?”
Dan took a deep breath. “Well, Wallace has benched you. You’re off SAD. And Ryan wants to start termination processing. He wants you out of the CIA.”
“He always has. Polygraphing me today, for fuck’s sake. This is a Goddamn gift for him.”
“George has held him off from that, for now.”
“Does anyone care that my husband is back? He’s back? And we don’t know why? Or where he is?”
Dan blinked. “Yes, Kris. Yes, we care. I care. I care very much.”
Fuck. Kris deflated, his heart taking the punch straight from Dan. “I’m sorry.” Two days ago, wasn’t he thinking about building a life with Dan? Wasn’t he planning on waking up in Dan’s arms, making him breakfast, falling asleep with him again? Building anus, he’d said.
Now what were they?
Why was Dan even in the same room with him? He had every right to be as furious with him as Ryan was. More so, even. Ryan didn’t wantanythingto do with him.
Dan wantedeverything.
And Kris had shit all over his hopes and dreams.
But it wasn’t like Kris wanted this. Damn it, he was saying goodbye to David when Dawood just waltzed in and sat down, exploding Kris’s life with his resurrection exactly like he’d done with his death, a decade before.
“I convinced them to let me watch over you,” Dan said carefully. “Ryan wants to throw you in jail. George wants to send you to protective custody. I said I’d take responsibility for you.” Dan hesitated. “If you’re okay with that. If you’d rather do something else, I understand.”
Something broke inside Kris, something wound too tight for far too long, twisted and twisted and twisted until he couldn’t take it any longer. He didn’t deserve Dan’s kindness. He didn’t, and he never had. Shame rose within him, tides of it, waves and swells that made him dizzy, made him want to surrender to the depths, fall backward into the abyss.
Fall into Dan, and let him fix the world, and everything that had gone wrong.
Let him fix Kris.
After Dawood’s death, Dan had been an anchor for Kris within the storms of his soul. Why should his dead husband’s resurrection be any different?
He wanted to surrender. He wanted to just surrender this life, surrender to everyone. Raise his hands, his white flags, and let the game end.
Why had it all turned out this way?
How could it all stop?
He held his hand out to Dan, a lifeline, a surrender, a capitulation. A plea.Rescue me.
