Page 97 of Hush
“You’re definitely the only man for me.”
“I’m not looking for anyone else. Anything else.” Mike’s voice was breathy, shaky. “Are you saying you want to…”
“I have twenty-five years of negative test results.” It was Tom’s turn to shrug. “So… if we’re both healthy, and we’re both serious, and we’re both committing to monogamy, then…”
Mike smiled and dropped his bag. Unzipped it, and rummaged around. Pulled out a box of condoms. “Guess we don’t need these this weekend.” He tossed them over his shoulder, and they bounced on the couch cushion before tumbling onto the floor. Mike pulled Tom close, kissing him slowly. He seemed to hesitate, pausing mid-kiss as if he wanted to say something.
But then, he kissed Tom again and stepped back. “Ready to go? If we get there early enough, I can pick something up to grill for you.”
“Lead the way.”
Mike grilled chicken wings on the cottage’s patio while Tom lay back on the sand and drank beer. He was under strict instructions to do nothing and enjoy himself while he did it. The sun set behind the dunes that shielded their cottage from the private road leading to the beach, casting a pink and lavender glow over the sand. Summer heat clung to the shore, but a salty breeze blowing off the gentle waves made it comfortable, relaxing instead of like being in an oven. Etta Mae sniffed every square inch of the beach and then put herself to bed, seeming to sense that this was a perfect chance to nap uninterrupted on the porch for days.
“This weekend is about you.” Mike sat next to him after dinner, feeding small logs to a fire pit in the sand. “I want to take care of you.”
“Let’s make it about us.” Tom leaned into Mike. Mike showering him in affection made his heart and soul go all squirmy, not used to this much care, and totally out of his depth on how to reciprocate. It also made his guilt swell, rise within him until he felt a dam was about to break somewhere deep inside. Every day he fought a war that Mike couldn’t see—stay or run, turn into Mike or flee to the safety of his closet. Mike was making it so damn hard for him to think.
He was at a crossroads, stuck trying to figure out where to go. His professionalism demanded one choice, and his heart and soul demanded another. And he was tired, so very, very tired of the choice. It was his life made large, the single choice that had the most meaning in his whole life, the only choice that truly mattered, now pressing in on him on all sides. And now, the choice of his lifetime came with a million extra pounds of pressure, clenching around his heart until he couldn’t breathe. In or out? Stay or go? Pride… or shame?
Later, Mike took very good care of him, and his brain fizzled out as he finally relaxed, boneless and content in Mike’s hold.
The crashing waves woke them, and Mike made love to him in time to the ocean’s swell and rumble. For the first time, there was nothing between them, and he saw in Mike’s eyes something new. Something tender and soft. Mike kissed him slowly as he thrust into Tom, pushing his hair back, cupping his face. When Mike came, inside him, he stared into Tom’s eyes as he exhaled shakily, breathing hard with his lips pressed to Tom’s.
Tom was near catatonic after, the roars of sensation undoing him completely. He was a shell tossed on the waves, a branch mired in a hurricane, and after, he just wanted to be a bottle washed ashore on an empty beach, filled with Mike and his affection. Mike prodded him out of the cottage, and they made their way to the water to wade and relax. Etta Mae joined them for a little while, but decided chasing birds was more fun before snoozing on the cottage’s porch.
And then, Mike laid out the towels, and the afternoon progressed exactly like Tom’s daydreams had spelled out. Mike was a god in the summer sun, his sandy hair catching the light and spinning threads of gold. Sweat glistened off his skin, traveled in slow drips down his chest and abdomen. Beaded in droplets on the ends of his chest hair. His toes dug into the sand and he lay on his side, propped up on one elbow, laser-focused on Tom.
Tom felt like an unwashed mutt from the rescue shelter compared to Mike, but Mike looked at him like he was something special, and damn it, he was going to try to rise to that. Be the man Mike thought he was looking at.
Mike did, in fact, taste like joy and perfection, and like freedom, and all of Tom’s dreams come true.
Mike grilled again while Tom fell asleep on the sand before dinner. Later, they watched the stars come out as they lay with their heads together.
“I think I want to retire to the beach someday,” Mike whispered. “Would you want to?”
“Live on a beach? See this every day? I could be persuaded.” Tom felt Mike’s smile. Mike had his face pressed right into Tom’s cheek, into his neck, and his arms were wrapped around Tom, their legs tangled together. Mike was a human koala bear, and Tom was happy to be his tree.
“I could be happy anywhere, I think, with you.” Mike’s voice was soft.
Tom reached for Mike’s arm, lying across his chest. “What do you see in the future? What do you want? Five, ten years? Further along?”
“I want to stay with the marshals. But… I’ll have to transfer courts. I really shouldn’t be dating you and be your JSI. Other than that… I’m a simple kind of guy. I want to do my job. Find my Prince Charming. Live a good life.” He swallowed, and again, Tom felt it through their closeness. “I want to fall in love with you. Take Etta Mae for walks together. Grill for you. Spoil you on the weekends. Travel when we can. See the world. Make love to you every night, or until my dick falls off from overuse trying to satisfy you.”
Tom laughed, curling into Mike. They were eye to eye now, nose to nose. Hope sprang from Mike’s gaze, a flood of it, enough to wrap around Tom and cocoon him, push away the outside world, push it all the way to space, to the stars above. Just him and Mike, and Mike’s simple dreams of their future. A future that Tom had imagined so many times, dreamt about until he could taste it in the tears he’d shed.
“What about you?” Mike’s words were a breath, edged in hope.
“Everything you just said. All of it.” His lips brushed Mike’s as he spoke, they were so close. “And, I want to be out. Proud. One day.”
Mike’s smile rivaled the stars. He rolled on top of Tom, burying his elbows in the sand, and rested his forehead on Tom’s. They didn’t say anything, just kissed sweetly until the fireworks started off of barges to the south, and brilliant lights lit the sky, rainbows of shimmering colors that fell like glitter. He could see joy in the shine of Mike’s eyes, in the reflection of the fireworks. The cascading colors seemed to form a rainbow, a sign in the sky behind Mike’s head, beckoning Tom forward. Yes, this was the way. He was on the right path. Stay with Mike. Hold this course. Be brave.
You can be happy.
Ringing woke them before dawn.
Mike’s marshal phone, his official one, clattered on the nightstand. Mike grabbed for it, rolling onto his back as he answered. “What?”
Villegas’s voice came over the line, loud enough in the quiet morning to hear clearly. “Morning, asshole. Where are you? More importantly, where’s Brewer?”
