Page 33 of Enemy Within
He was heading south.
It was Ilya’s turn to say goodbye. He leaned against the windowsill, staring at Sasha’s profile. “You are a fool, Sasha,” he growled. “But a loyal fool. Sergey is lucky to have you.”
He squirmed, shifting in his seat. He revved the engine. Put the truck in first gear.
Ilya got the message. “Go on, go on. But!” He leaned close to Sasha, grinning wickedly. “When you find him again, give Sergey a big kiss and tell him it is from me, yes?” He winked.
Sasha slammed his foot on the gas. The truck spun, lurching forward, and Ilya dove back. His laughter followed Sasha.
“I will see you both in Moscow!” Ilya shouted. “Udachi!”
14
Seattle
“ICAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE.”
Faisal looked up at the breathy words, more grunted than actually spoken. He was sitting against the wall by the gate to their Alaskan flight, trying to be out of the way. Nearby, Doc lay propped against his backpack, his shades over his eyes, looking like he was asleep. Scattered throughout the rest of the gate’s waiting area, the other members of the team slouched in their seats and tapped at their MP3 players.
And Adam hovered over Faisal, one hand clenching and unclenching on the strap of his backpack. He’d mangled it. Threads were loose, trailing down. The strap was fraying.
Sighing as if defeated, Adam folded himself down beside Faisal, his back to the wall and his body close.Veryclose. He pressed against Faisal from his shoulder to his knee, a warmth that went straight up Faisal’s spine.
Faisal flipped a page in the magazine he was reading and suppressed his shiver. “What can you not take any longer?”
“Everything,” Adam breathed. “This.” He swallowed. “Us.”
Faisal stilled. His lungs froze, and his muscles refused to move. Even his thoughts stuttered, circling around one, single word:us. “If you wish to end our relationship, then it will be concluded for the final time. I cannot keep doing this—”
“No!” Adam’s voice was too loud, almost a shout. People turned their way, frowning. “No,” Adam hissed again. He leaned into Faisal even more, digging his shoulder into Faisal’s. “I can’t take thehidingabout us. Pretending like I don’t know you. Or that I don’t care about you. You’re so Goddamned distracting.”
He sighed. “Adam—”
“I can’t keep anything straight anymore. I need to focus. I need to get us up there. Brief the team. Get ready for the rendezvous. But… all I am thinking about isyou.” Groaning, Adam buried his face in his hands. “The guys, they don’t know anything about me. And now they’ve got a front-row seat to watch me come apart.”
Faisal kept quiet. This was a side of Adam he didn’t know well. Adam had been on his own when they first met, an independent operator detailed into the murky world of Middle Eastern intelligence. He hadn’t had a team of Marines to lead, men he had to hide parts and pieces of himself away from, day in and day out.
“I need to do the right thing,” Adam whispered. “I need to do the right thing for them. And for the whole world, damn it. You heard what’s going on.” Leaning back, he thunked his head against the wall and fixed Faisal with a wide-eyed stare. “I just don’t know what’s right anymore.”
“Yes, you do.” Faisal closed his magazine and set it on the ground. He started to reach for Adam, but then stopped, his hands stuttering in midair and falling uselessly to his thighs. “You have always known what right and wrong are, and stuck to your course, even when everything has been against you. This is no different.”
Adam tried to smile, but it wavered and then turned aching. “Are you trying to tell me that I should stop hiding how I feel about you?”
His heart thundered, warmth flowing through his chest with every beat. “If you think that is one of your ‘right choices,’ then that brings me great joy, Adam. But, I believe the larger ‘right choices’ in front of you, at the moment, are how to prepare your team in the best way you can. Getting them to the rendezvous and preparing everyone for what is to come. Have you thought about how to tell them?”
Adam shook his head.
“You care for your men a great deal, Adam. You have always given away more of yourself than you keep, and they are no exception. Focus on what needs to happen. What you need to tell them. How they need to prepare. You cannot fight your conscience and this battle at the same time.”
One of Adam’s knees bounced up and down, fast. “If they find out about me, about how I feel about you, everything may come apart.”
“It may.” Faisal stared into Adam’s eyes, watching as his fears multiplied, one panicked situation after another playing out behind his gaze. “Or,in shaa Allah, it may not. Your men may remember all the ways you have served them, cared for them, and led them. What you have given to them out of your heart. Remember, judgment leads a heart to regret, and a sour mind and an aching soul.”
Finally, Adam smiled, watery and thin. “Not everyone sees the world the way you do.”
“My faith guides me in everything I do.”
Adam spoke softly, almost whispering, “Al?ilaha ?illallah—”
