Page 181 of Enemy Within
Like a classic Russian romance, he’d played the part of the tragic lover perfectly. Clinging to their love, deluding himself into thinking that as long as he still yearned, as long as he still ached for Sergey, their love would remain alive. Kept sacred in the empty spaces, the pull between their souls.
But Sergey wasn’t a Russian hero from the days of old, and he wasn’t going to cling to an illusion of love and make empty, rotten temples in his soul to what-could-have-beens. He was a man of the now, of the future, and he would leave Sasha behind, spinning onward as Sasha kept turning over his memories, over and over again.
A groan slipped past his lips. How could he keep Sergey safe when he was the one thing that could destroy Sergey’s future? Wasn’t loving someone about making the hard choices? All he wanted was to protect Sergey. The vise around his heart squeezed again. His heart bled, agony slipping down the inside of his ribs. “I will never be able to find someone in America.”
“Sasha—”
“I will not be able to. Only one man has ever captured my heart. Only one man has ever made me love him.”
Sergey tried to pull away, but Sasha grabbed him, kept Sergey from turning. “You must know, Sergey, you must. You are the only man I have ever loved. The only man I ever will love.”
Sergey wrenched free, shoving Sasha back. “Thenwhy?” he shouted, exploding. “Why have you done this? Why did you rip us apart? Why did you leave?Again?”
“I want what is best for you! Only what is best for you! The hatred, the rumors… they will poison your presidency. Ihaveto keep you safe! If you were attacked like I was… I could not live with that!”
“Youare best for me.” Sergey reached for him, putting one hand on the side of his face. “You made me feel alive. And I am not afraid, Sasha. I am not afraid of the world. You are worth everything, every risk. This love… it is bigger than any fear I might feel. There is nothing that could come between us, if you only let us have a chance.”
He closed his eyes, leaning into Sergey’s touch. He ached, he yearned, to close the distance between them, mold his body to Sergey’s. Press him back against the nearest table. Undress him slowly and spread him out, worship his body. He’d never taken his time with a lover before, but he wanted to with Sergey. His mind swirled, a raging tornado, thoughts spinning too fast to grab on to. Need, fear, desire, and panic. What was the right choice? A life with Sergey, looking over their shoulders, or a life alone, with only his misery to keep him company?
“If we try,” he breathed, speaking slowly. “If we try… could you keep it quiet?”
“I am not looking to lead a parade. Twenty years I waited for my anti-corruption purge. Do you think I am a man of fast impulse? No, I just want you in my life. I want toloveyou.” He tried to smile, but it came out like a grimace. “I was not planning on engagement announcements for at least a year. Maybe two.” He swallowed hard, his joke falling flat.
Sasha watched his Adam’s apple rise and fall.
“Maybe we could start to go public in two years. After your training.” Sergey’s voice turned wistful. “So much could change in two years. What you fear… the world may be different then. Maybewewill have changed it.” Sergey cupped his other cheek, cradling his face. He spoke in a whisper. “Are you telling me you want to try this? Us?”
Sasha’s breath bounced off Sergey’s face. What he wanted, he couldn’t, shouldn’t have. He shouldn’t give in.
“We are stronger together,” Sergey breathed. “I am stronger with youbecauseI love you. You are stronger when you love me, yes?”
He nodded. He couldn’t speak.
“Then let us bestrong.” Sergey inched closer until their bodies were almost touching. “You will need that to be an astronaut.”
Sasha frowned and almost pulled away. “You still want me to go?”
Sergey’s chin rose, defiant. “I want you to have everything you ever wanted, Sasha.”
“If I say that is only two things: being an astronaut and being with you?”
Sergey’s eyes fluttered closed for a moment, and he slid forward the last inch, pressing his body against Sasha’s.
It felt like a bomb had gone off behind him, the force, the power, the thrum that shot through him. He grabbed Sergey’s hips, struggling to keep his feet.
“You have both in your hands. You can have everything you want, Sasha. You deserve it. But… you must be careful. This heart is fragile and already bruised. I cannot take it if you leave again.”
“But NASA—
“Would you come home every six weeks? Come back to me? Maybe let me visit you if I cannot stand being away from you for another night?”
Sasha nodded, breathing in shakily. Coming home… to Sergey. This was all a dream. It had to be. “I always came back,” he whispered, leaning in. Sergey’s lips were so close, so close he could feel their warmth.
“You never had to leave. You never had to run.” Sergey dropped the first kiss to Sasha’s lips, a dry, chaste slide that only fanned Sasha’s desire, turning his soul white-hot. Sergey pressed their cheeks together, their noses. “Sasha….please.”
What he wanted was right in front of him. The man he loved was in his arms. Anton’s words swirled in his brain, crashing against Sergey’s pleas and promises, his hope for their future. His own desire was a physical pull, a tug on his soul that he’d felt from the first moment he’d met Sergey. He stood on the edge of a black hole, poised on Sergey’s own event horizon. If he tipped forward, fell headfirst into this love, what would happen? The best… or the worst?
He closed the last millimeters, capturing Sergey’s lips in a slow, deep kiss. His tongue teased open Sergey’s mouth, and then dipped within, tasting his love. Sergey responded, surging into Sasha, wrapping his arms around Sasha’s shoulders as he pressed tight against him, and his hands slid into Sasha’s hair.
