Page 27 of Reaper
Jesus Christ.
“Do you talk like this all the time?” I ask, wiggling my hips against his
hardened length. It’s hard to be still with butterflies erupting inside my stomach at his words.
“What do you mean? Do I tell the truth all the time?”
“Yes. Are you always so frank?”
“I have no reason to lie to you or sugarcoat shit for anyone. And I don’t want any misunderstandings between us. I would love to have fucked you last night, and that’s the truth.”
His fingers flex against my hips like he’s forcing them not to move against my skin. But I don’t want him to stop. I haven’t felt genuine desire in so long. I just want to not feel so numb anymore. I want everything that Nikita has done to me wiped away.
“Stop wiggling.”
“Logan…”
“Before you even ask…we can’t,” he says before I can get anymore words out of my mouth.
It’s not shocking he already knew what I was going to say before I even said it.
“Why? Is it because of her?”
“She’s something I’m not going to discuss with you or with anyone.” His voice, tight with agitation, trembles slightly as he speaks. “So, drop it.”
“I’m not trying to pry into your life, Logan. I’m just trying to understand what the problem is. I can tell you want me.”
“I haven’t denied that.”
“Okay. And I want you, too.”
“I know.”
“Jerk,” I mumble causing him to laugh. “Then what’s the problem?”
“You’ve been through a lot, Paris.”
“I have, but I’m not looking for a relationship, okay? I want to feel again. I want to take back a part of me that he stole. And I trust you. You’re the only person I trust to give that part back to me.”
“You shouldn’t trust me.” He sighs. “I’m not the knight in shining armor, Paris. I’m not some fucking prince charming who’s here to make you my princess. It’s better off that you realize that now.”
I keep my back to him. I don’t need him to see how weak I really am. I don’t need him to see how much Nikita took from me. I want to feel like myself again. I want to feel what it’s like to be desired and not to be fucked because the need to control everything. Or have my body be taken against my will. I want to take my control back.
“I know,” I whisper.
I do know I shouldn’t trust someone like Logan. Although I don’t know him at all really, I know the men who run in the same circles as Nikita can’t be any good. Yet it’s not going to change the decision I’ve made. There’s just something about Logan that draws me to him. He makes me feel comfortable and wanted. And most of all he makes me feel safe. I need to experience this moment with him and nobody else.
“I want this piece of myself back and I think you can give it to me.”
He stays silent and my hope continues to fade the longer he doesn’t speak. Maybe I got the signs wrong. Regardless of what he said, maybe he doesn’t really want me. Maybe he thinks I’m not good enough because of what I let Nikita do to me even though it was out of survival and not because I wanted to. Continuing to fight off his unwanted attention was just toodangerous for me to endure. It would have led to my death. And for some reason, despite what Nikita put me through, I wanted to live or die fighting.
Shame fills me. It’s something I can’t change even though I want to. It’s who I am now.
My heart sinks to my feet.
He’s disgusted with me.
“It’s fine,” I say after he says nothing for a long time. “I understand if you don’t want me because of what I had to do with Nikita. I wouldn’t want someone like me either.”
