Page 13 of Carnal Desire
Despite the indescribable rage that roared to life inside me when she sent that photograph everything clicked. I understood immediately why she has trust issues especially with Dominants and the BDSM lifestyle. I immediately knew a so-called Dom had done that to her against her will. It explained her hard limits, such as bondage, knife play, and a few others.
My plan was to do video calls later in this arrangement, but this couldn’t wait. That picture she sent sped up my plans. Everything I wanted to do to help her changed. This goes from someone trying to build trust to someone needing to build confidence in themselves. Trust will come naturally once I’m able to help her see what I see in her.
I patiently wait for her response to my new rule. It’s non-negotiable. If she wants this arrangement to continue, this is part of what we both need from this relationship. She needs to believe she’s beautiful again.
“I do things for your benefit, Angel,” I say just in case she doesn’t understand why I’m asking her to embrace her scars. Embrace her beauty and not let that bastard win and right now, he’s winning. And she knows it. That’s why she’s ready for a change.
I need to look into what happened. Who is Christian Baptiste?
I want this to happen between us. More than I’m willing to admit at this point. But I will never be able to help her if she doesn’t build confidence first. She has to know she’s worthy of my attention. She has to know that she’s worthy of my praise.
“For as long as you submit to me nothing or no one else matters,” I continue. Her eyes widen. “Everything is for your benefit and this new rule is non-negotiable. Of course, you are allowed to use your safe word like any other time we’re together, but this is what I want from you. This is what you need from me.”
I watch as she inhales and releases a breath. She’s done this numerous times since our video chat started. I assume it’s a technique to calm her nerves or some type of coping mechanism to deal with a stressful situation that helps her work through whatever anxiety she has. It’s the only reason I haven’t called her out on making me wait for answers that with any other submissive they would receive punishment. I’m used to getting what I want when I want it but with her, I have to be more patient. It’s not going to be easy, but I know it’s necessary. At least in the beginning.
“But what if you aren’t available?” she asks.
Although it’s a good question because it’s possible that I may not always be available, I think she wants me to change my mind. But I think we can make this work. This is something she needs to do for herself, and I need to know she will always follow my instructions.
“If I’m not available send me a video recording.”
She sighs and it almost makes me smile. She definitely thought I’d change my mind.
“You know this isn’t something I want to do right?” she asks.
“And you have every right to use your safe word and we can end this right now, Angel,” I say without hesitation.
I’m never going to force her to do something she doesn’t want to do despite me believing it’s what’s best for her. She has a choice with me. Always.
“You have a decision to make, sweetheart.” I propped my head on my head. “But I do think you want to get back to the way it was before your attack, right?”
“I do.” She blows out a breath. “More than anything.”
I believe her and my heart clenches in my chest because I completely understand her struggle. I know what it feels like to want something so bad and not knowing exactly how to get it, especially when life has dealt you a shitty hand. I can understand the need to trust someone but being unable to let your guard down long enough to do so. That’s why I’m so close with Valentino and Tara to this day. I don’t trust people easily, but I do trust them with my life. I want to be that person for her. She needs someone that without any doubt she’ll know they will be there for her no matter what. As her Dom, I want to be that person for her. I need to be that person for her.
“If you want it as much as I think you do, then this is your next step, Cadence. You’ve done so well following my instructions today. And you’ve pleased me so much. Have faith in me that I’m not doing this to harm you, but to help you.”
“It’s hard,” she whispers, wiping away tears. “It’s been hard to have faith in anybody.”
I wonder when the last time was she actually cried about what happened. She seems like the kind of woman who would push down all her pain and put on a brave face just to avoid what’s happening.
“It’s hard to do something especially when you don’t believe it anymore.”
I can only imagine the pain she’s dealing with. Even though I’ve had a hard life growing up in the foster care system, dealing with physical, emotional, and sexual abuse almost on a daily basis, I don’t have the physical scars as an everyday reminder. Although the mental wounds from that time are still very present and will be something that will be with me until the day I die. No amount of therapy or money can fix that. However, I’m a survivor. I’ve made my life and others better. And so is she. She just needs to embrace it. She can turn her scars from being a hinderance to something that makes her strive for the best out of life.
“It is,” I say, agreeing with her. “It’s always the most rewarding things in life that are the hardest things to do. Nothing about this is going to be easy, Angel. You know this. You live with it every day of your life. But while you may have been out of the lifestyle for a few years, you know what this life entails. And if you want to be a part of it again… truly be a part of it again, you have to give a little to get something in return. It’s not something I can hand you. It’s hard work but I know you can do it. I’m in your corner. I promise you the reward is going to be greater than the sacrifice. Trust me. Trustinme.”
“You sound like a motivational speaker,” she says with a small chuckle.
That makes me smile which is something I haven’t done a lot of in a long time. I’m far from a motivational speaker but I’ve been through some shit and know what it takes to get past the mental blocks to turn shitty circumstances into something great.
“I’ve just been through some things and know what it’s like to lose faith in people who are supposed to be in your corner. I know what it’s like to have to push yourself in order to make your life better even when the voices talking inside your head tell you that you can’t fix shit or that you’re not worthy of that better life you know deep down you deserve.”
Her eyes widen and I know she’s experienced everything I’ve said. It’s normal for people who’ve gone through something horrific to question their worth. There was a time when I did it every day. While I do have my days where I question whether I deserve to be where I’m at, they are few and far between.
“Have some faith in me, Angel.”
She nods. “I can do that.”
