Page 7 of Nomad
“Yeah.” I gestured between us because I didn’t know what the hell to call this shit. What we were doing wasn’t a real fucking relationship. And if it was, I sure as hell never wanted to be in one like this. “This thing. Whatever the hell this is we’ve been doing for the past three years. I can’t give you anything beyond what I’m giving you now, Angie. That will never change.”
“I can’t believe you’re saying all this to me.”
“And I can’t believe I hadn’t said it sooner.”
Her voice hitched at my confession, but like with everything else I’d said tonight, it was the truth. Brutally honest, but the truth.
“I thought we were going to get married.”
A look of despair spread across her face. I knew that was what she wanted, but that shit wasn’t happening. I would never marry her.
“I love you, William. Doesn’t that mean anything to you?”
Her loving me...did it mean anything to me? I hated to admit it didn’t, which was a crazy ass realization because of the time I’d spent with this woman. However, I didn’t think this was the right moment to answer her question truthfully as I watched tears pool in her eyes with a deep sense of sadness. I needed to word this right, so she’d have no hope I’d change my mind. Because I wouldn’t. I couldn’t. Nor would I ever love her. I’d tried for a long time. It wasn’t possible.
“You’re an amazing woman, Ang.”
Tears slid down her crimson-stained cheeks when she closed her eyes. I felt like such a piece of shit for making her cry, but what could I do? This was the conversation she wanted to have. One we needed to have.
“I care for you, Angie. I do. But I’m sorry, darlin’. I don’t love you, and I never will.”
There. I’d said it.
It was scary the amount of relief that raced through me as soon as the words poured from my mouth. It was like a terrible burden I’d carried had been lifted from my shoulders. I’d spent three years with this woman. We’d shared many intimate moments and laughs, but my relief confirmed everything I’d avoided with her. I’d been living a lie, trying to make something happen knowing goddamn well it was impossible.
I’d hoped in time I’d be able to purge Jade from my system and fall in love with Angie. That had been my plan after getting to know her, but I’d failed miserably. Angie wasn’t Jade and would never be, but she was a damn good woman. Any guy would be lucky to have her in their life. Shit, I was lucky to have her in mine. However, no matter how hard I tried, no matter how much time we spent together, love never manifested between Angie and me on my part. I didn’t think anything, or anyone, would cause me not to love Jade.
Angie’s sobs grew louder, and her shoulders shook.Shit!I hated when women cried, especially because of me. It made me extremely uncomfortable. Was I supposed to let them cry and wait for them to finish? Or did I try to console them? Neither option sounded like the best choice at the moment.
I sighed, then stood in front of her, trying to give her some type of comfort, but absorbed a slap to my face for my efforts. I deserved it. Despite her anger, I embraced her trembling frame as best as I could while she pounded her fist against my bare chest.
“Let me go!” Her warm tears trickled down her cheeks and hit my chest. “You lied to me!”
I’d lied to her in keeping silent about Jade. So, I held her tighter, letting her release all the hurt and pain I’d caused until she sagged against me when the fight left her.
“I’m sorry, Ang.”
My lame apology didn’t compare to the pain I’d caused, but it was all I could do.
“Who is she?” Her hot breath fanned across my skin. “Is it that bitch, Sadie?”
“No, it’s not Sadie.” I frowned. Why in the hell did she think it would be that cunt? “You don’t know her.”
She’s over a thousand miles away, but always with me.
“Who is she, William?” she asked again, her tone a little less resigned and more bitter. “I need to know. I deserve to know.”
I hated talking about Jade. She plagued my thoughts constantly, especially around this time of year. I didn’t want to talk about it, but Angie was right. She had the right to know why I couldn’t commit to her after such a long time. Why I would never commit to anyone.
“Her name isn’t important.” I closed my eyes at the anguish in my voice. “But she’s someone I can’t be with.”
“Do you love her?” She already knew the answer, but if hearing the words helped her get closure, I’d say them. No matter how much it hurt me.
“I do,” I said without hesitation. “Very much so.”
Angie’s body stiffened in my arms at my admission. My love for Jade was real and all-consuming. I’d noticed when things shifted, and I hated myself for being too weak to stop them, which was why I’d had no other choice but to leave. My feelings were out of line. And if I’d stayed, I would have acted on them.
Aaron had always spoken highly of his wife as a person and mother. He’d often talk about how special she was. I never thought too much about it. What man wouldn’t talk highly of the woman he’d married? The mother of his child? But I understood exactly what he meant the minute I showed up at her home after receiving the news of his death. Then, with all the time we’d spent together, she became the center of my world. She was the quiet amongst the loudness of my thoughts. The stillness amid the chaos in my mind. The light to my dark. She became my reason for breathing. Yet, none of it mattered because we could never be together.
