Page 31 of Bottoms Up
“Thanks for that. I’ve found safe ways to get what I need when we’re on tour — little excursions I have to let security know about, but not my bandmates. Both Kirsten and Marco trust you, and I think you’re one of the good therapists, so yeah. You have my trust unless you prove untrustworthy.”
“Other therapists have proven untrustworthy?”
I smiled. “Far in my past, and I’m not sureuntrustworthyis the right word, but they certainly did more harm than good. Thankfully, my parents listened to me when I told them this wasn’t a healthy situation, and found someone better suited to helping me.”
He opened his mouth to say something, but I interrupted before he could get the first word out. “I’m not interested in talking for an hour about my parents. Cliff notes: My mom is a physicist, heavy on the math and science. My dad is an engineer, heavy on the math. His dad was a medical doctor who specialized in research. When the doctors tried to strong-arm my parents into…” I shook my head. “The important thing to note is that my parents raised me without gender until it was nearly time for me to go to kindergarten. I had years to not be either a boy or a girl, and I believe that’s made all the difference in how I can be DSD without being completely fucked up.”
“Be DSD, or have DSD?”
I rolled my eyes. “I get what you’re saying, but trust me when I say I’m well beyond that discussion.”
“You and Julian have a lot in common.”
He said it as a statement and not a question. I chose to focus on the part he likely hadn’t meant. “Yeah, he used to be a famous musician, and I’m one at the present time. Hegetsme in a way non-performers aren’t capable of.”
“There’s that, too.”
I nearly rolled my eyes at him, but managed to stop before I actually did. “He’s a great big giant of a man with boobs, a feminine voice, and a huge dick. When he was human, his balls didn’t work. You’re fishing to find out which genitalia I may or may not have, and you already know sometimes I go on stage as a woman and other times as a man. I’m a man, today, and you’re wondering what’s in my dress pants.”
“It was more a statement that neither of you fit society’s definitions of gender. At this stage of our doctor-client relationship, I don’t believe what you do or don’t have in your trousers is any of my business. This may change in the future, if you need help dealing with something personal, but at this point, while I’m helping you understand how best to help my patient, your genitals shouldn’t come into play for our purposes.”
“You’re in a poly group with our preferred pilot.”
He tilted his head. “I’m not sure how that applies to today’s session.”
“Just that I know you’re part of a nontraditional relationship, and it helps the trust factor.” I stood. “Thank you for your advice. I’m much clearer on how to move forward with Julian.”
He stood as well. “He loves you and trusts you. My policy, with my slave, is to remember she loves me and trusts me, and to never do anything to make her regret either. That means I have to be even harsher with her than I’d originally planned, sometimes, but other times it means I need to add a little extra affection.”
I nodded. “Yeah. More good advice.”
Chapter 11
Julian
The contract scared the fuck out of me, and yet, it was also reassuring. Silver wasn’t going to wait for me to act up so he could prove he could be the Master I need — he was setting the tone from the start, making sure there was no doubt whatsoever who was in absolute, complete, total control. Harsh from day one. Unflinching and unapologetic.
We were outside on the patio, seated at one of the stone tables, the waterfall tinkling in the distance, gentle lighting so we could easily read the contract. It was peaceful. Grounding.
Silver was dressed as a man today. Tailored black slacks, a light-indigo dress shirt, polished men’s dress shoes. His hair was pulled back in a low ponytail.
But it was more than clothes. I could scent male, and more than that —dominantmale. I could feel it, too — the steadiness of his gaze, the calm finality in his movements. There was no indecision, no hesitation. He wasn’t wavering. He wasn’t trying this on for size.
He was my next Master. He already knew how to wield it.
“I feel as if I should argue and negotiate,” I told him, “and I want to argue about having to ask permission before I can leave my hidey-hole when life returns and reanimates me, but it also feels as if…” I shrugged. “Either I give myself over entirely, or I don’t.”
“I appreciate that. As an exercise in letting me see where you are mentally, I’d like you to list the things that are hardest for you to agree to. At least five things. Tell them to me as you go. I’d prefer there be ten to twenty, but I’ll only require a minimum of five.”
I gave him the list as I went — having to remain in my hidey-hole until being allowed out, being locked into a cock cage, having to drink bagged blood from a glass, being shackled throughout the day, even while I worked for Marco. The hardest of them all, however, was the requirement I’d have to crawl everywhere while being led on a leash, rather than walk.
I’m pretty sure Silver expected me to try to negotiate out of at least a couple of his rules, but I kept telling myself, either I give myself over to him or I don’t. The only way to show him I was serious about accepting the change in ownership was to surrender in every way to my new owner.
“Look at me,” Silver said, and I met his gaze. “I love you, and that means I’m going to have to be harder on you, in some ways. If this is to work, if I’m to help walk you into being a responsible adult who can make good choices, we can’t do it halfway.”
I wanted to rebel against some of it. The leash, the crawling, the fucking cock cage. Part of me clenched at the thought of bagged blood, of being shackled while I worked — the humiliation of it, the exposure. But I kept circling the same truth: either I give myself to him, or I don’t. That’s the cost of freedom. Full surrender now, so I can someday stand on my own.
Marco had said this was my crucible, so I’d take the heat. I’d endure it. Not because I liked the terms, but because I trusted the man setting them.
