Page 30 of Bottoms Up
I was going to micromanage every second of his waking time the first five days, and then begin to give him some choices in small things. Slowly, he’d gain tiny little controls here and there, then bigger ones, so he’d be mostly making his own decisions at the six-month mark, if things went well. I expected there would be some setbacks, which would be normal. He’d pay for them, of course, and go backward with permissions, but then we’d move forward again.
But his first five days were going to be hell, designed to break routine, disrupt identity, and leave no doubt about who is in charge and how the next nine months will go. He’d be in a ball separator every moment, even more painful than normal because they wouldn’t be completely healed, due to being fed bagged blood rather than getting it straight from the source. There would also be plugs soaked in pepper oil crammed up his ass every moment of those first days, and vampires don’t shit, so they’d only come out to be recoated every hour before being replaced with one a slightly different shape, to make sure he didn’t get bored.
He’d need access to his thumbs while he worked for Marco, but not on my time, and he’d be on a leash with thumbless mittens the first day, and then thumbless gloves beginning probably the third day. Stripped of a large piece of his humanity — most people don’t understand just how much our thumbs elevate us above animals, but that’s because most people don’t try to live even a few hours without them. I’ve been without for a week, and Iknowwhat that does to you.
He’d drink bagged blood from a glass the first week — not directly from a flock member — and I’d hold the glass to his lips, not him.
I’d watched Davy go through a boot camp several times, and he was a different slave when it was over. He hadn’t been a bad slave before, he’s always perfect, best I can tell, but he was even better after the boot camp. More attentive, faster to obey. It was a healthy thing for him, despite the fact he didn’t enjoy it while it happened.
That kind of boot camp wasn’t going to work for Julian, so I’d devise the kind of intensive slave-boot-up I thought would get my point across to him. An exhaustive reset. A controlled demolition of old reflexes and survival programming.
He was going to sign his life away to me for the next nine months. TPE.Totalpower exchange. The only way to get that across was to be a hard-ass right out of the gate.
And since I didn’t want there to beanymisunderstanding, I spelled it all out in the contract, everything I could think to list, though I was clear the wordtotalmeant there could be more. There couldalwaysbe more.
* * * *
Silver
“I’ve talked to trauma victims about this before,” Dr. Woods explained. “The easiest way to explain it is to think of data on a hard drive. If you have a file named balls-crushed.docx, and it’s a horrible account of it, but then you write a different way of seeing it, and also name it balls-crushed.docx — it overwrites the old version. The goal is to make it a loving, caring, soul-merging event, so you’re right there with him,giftinghim the pain rather than forcing it on him.”
I nodded and thought it through. “Pain lovingly given. I see his pain, acknowledge it, soothe him with words, but don’t back off just because he can’t take it.”
He smiled. “Exactly. The act of rolling his balls flat is still going to hurt like fuck, but it’s all in the intent. You’re lovinglydelivering the pain while he offers his balls up to you. It’s an offering, as proof of his devotion to you. I’m going to recommend you fist him, after, so it’s similar but different to the original event — series of events — you’re duplicating.”
I sighed. He didn’t know whether I had a dick or not, so that was probably a way for me to copy the original act if I didn’t. I wasn’t prepared to talk to this doctor about my genitalia, so I told him, “Thank you for the idea. I might play that by ear. Marco is going to beam Julian’s memory of the event to me, so I can see exactly how he was positioned, how he was held down. I might change my mind once I’ve seen the memory, but my thought process right now is to do it in Julian’s bed. I can use a wedge behind his back to get him at a similar angle, and there are plenty of tie-off points, so I can secure him. I have a marble cutting board I can use under his balls, so I have a hard surface to roll them against. Marco is having the roller made so it’ll look exactly like the one in Julian’s memory.”
He tilted his head. “I can’t stress enough how important it is for you to make this a positive experience emotionally while you make it an absolutely horrible one physically. Empathize with him while you hurt him — you know it hurts terribly, and you love him so much for offering his balls up to you, gifting you his pain and his devotion.”
I’d brought a small notepad with me, and I jotted down the wording, because I liked it. When I had it down, I said, “Thank you for that. Any other advice?”
“I can see why you want to do it in his bed, but most Strigorii vampires don’t sleep in their bed. It’s where he spends time with you, so itismeaningful, but it might be just as well to do it on the desk he works at, or in your bedroom, or even on a piece of furniture the two of you often chill out on together. If it were me, I’d likely come up with an all-purpose piece of BDSM furniture, a bondage table, maybe. Something that can last for a hundredor more years, so it’ll be around no matter where the two of you might move to — even if he has to change identities and you travel with him, that table will go with the two of you.”
I nodded. He was right, but I’d need to think about how to implement it.
But I’d work that out later. I’d made a note of something to bring up, and it seemed a good time for it.
“I like you, and I’m glad you’ll be working with Julian. Coming from someone who’s had decades of therapy, I’d like to think I’m a pretty good judge of therapists. The thing is, the normal stuff about privacy isn’t really in play here. You’re aware Marco is looking back through Julian’s memory of his sessions, and you know he’s sharing what he learns with me, and in some cases will actually replay the session for me, rather than just tell me about it.”
He looked at me without saying anything — without so much as batting an eye, so I kept going. “If you feel the two of us need a conversation about something Julian has told you, I’m not opposed to paying for a session to come in and talk to you. If you just think I need a quick heads-up we can handle on the phone, I’ll still pay for an entire session. Without Marco in the picture, you couldn’t do that, but since he is, I hope you’ll reach out if there’s something you’d like to discuss with me.”
“Why are you no longer in therapy?”
Therapists, always answering you with a damned question. Rather than bitch, I gave him the damned answer. We weren’t going to move forward until he was comfortable I’m in a good place to be healthy for Julian.
“When Kirsten closed up shop, I realized I’m good. I know who I am. I’m comfortable in my skin. I’ve worked through my shit — and yes, I’m aware new shit comes up, and if I ever feel I need help dealing with new shit, I’ll reach out, but for now, I’m good.”
“Have you ever been the Top in a TPE?”
“I’ve been the slave in one three times. I’m a switch, and I love torturing people, but…” I shrugged. “I’ve been on the bottom end in all my long-term relationships. I’d be lying if I told you I won’t miss the feel of a whip heating my skin during the next nine months, possibly longer, but it’ll be okay. I knowexactlyhow much responsibility I’m taking on.”
“What if we set up a once-a-month appointment? Since, as you said, the privacy issues with Julian don’t exist, we can talk about how things are going with him, and if you want to, while we’re at it, you can tell me where you are with no longer being a switch, at least for the short term.”
I looked at him a few seconds, deciding how much to share, and finally told him, “There’s someone in Nashville who’ll give me exactly the kind of scene I need, if I get too itchy, needing pain. He’s a pro, and he isn’t cheap, but I have it written into the contract that while Julian will be monogamous with me unless he has permission to fuck someone he feeds from, he’s aware I won’t be under any such rules.”
He just looked at me without responding, and I nodded. “Yes, right. Once a month, to talk about where things are with Julian. Let’s make the first appointment two weeks out, and then once a month thereafter.”
“For the record, the fact you’ve thought ahead and made discretionary plans seems healthy, to me. A way to take care of yourself while you’re taking care of Julian. You don’t seem to need my approval, but you have it.”
