Page 38 of Avalanche
I’d left this morning without speaking to any of the guys. They’d all had the day off, except for Seth, so none of them had been up when I’d left for work. It probably didn’t help that I’d crept about the condo with all the stealth of an errant teenager sneaking out in the middle of the night—a skill I’d honed under my parents’ roof.
I’d barely been able to focus on teaching though, so when Tessa messaged and asked if I wanted to train, I’d backlined even though I need the money.
“Is something going on with you and Liam?” She asks. “Do I need to kick some ass?”
I bark out a mirthless laugh, my gaze dropping to the snow gathered along the sharp edge of Tessa’s board. To her boots, worn from a couple seasons of hard use. To her bindings, newly purchased at the start of this season when her last ones snapped mid-lesson.
“No.” My breath clouds in front of me, the air cold under the shade of snow laden pines. “But it’s good to know I’ve got someone to do my dirty work.” I try to keep my tone light, joking, but the words sound brittle when they leave my lips.
“Lily.”
That one word—it’s a warning, a reprimand, but also a promise. I look up to see her lifting her goggles to her helmet, fixing me with those sharp blue eyes. My breath catches in my throat, the longing to tell her everything settling over my bones, draping me in exhaustion.
I told Jackie, and she didn’t hate me. Seth told his parents, and they accepted it. Maybe… maybe…
“I’m actually not just dating Liam…” I begin.
I feel like I’ve slipped out of my body, like I’m hovering above us, watching myself through the eyes of a third person.
Silly little Lily, who’s managed to get herself tangled up in a complicated situationship once again. Silly little Lily, clinging to her friend like a lifeline, desperate for approval, terrified of rejection, of making anyone unhappy.
“I’m dating all of them.”
I stare at her boots, at her bent knees, at the gloves gripping the edge of her board. But I still hear the startled intake of breath, the snow crunching beneath her as she jolts in surprise.
“Liam, Antoine, Matty, Eddie and Seth,” I continue.
It sounds insane said out loud, those five names rattled off like a checklist. But it’s not like that at all. They aren’t some list, some collection that is only mine. They’re each other’s too. And I’m theirs.
Silence rests between us, hanging heavy as snow on the tips of the pines above us. A threatening weight ready to slip at any moment.
“Okay…” Tessa stretches her gloved hands over her knees, clears her throat. “That’s… um… wow.”
Maybe it’s the relief of finally telling her, or the unfiltered honesty of her reaction, but a laugh bursts out of me, a madly desperate sounding thing. I press my mittens to my lips in an effort to hold it back, but it ruptures behind my ribs, scraping my throat, making tears sharpen behind my eyes.
“I mean, that’s great,” Tessa adds hurriedly, her voice pitched with forced cheerfulness. “Super. I’m really happy for you…” Her words rise at the end like a question.
Another laugh chortles out of me and I look up to meet her gaze with alarm. She’s staring back at me, eyes wide and blue as the sky behind her.
“All five of them? Seriously?”
I hum in agreement, not trusting my voice to speak.
“Okay.” She gives a decisive nod, her lips pressing together with determination. “Yeah. Okay. Well. So, you guys are like, polyamorous or whatever?”
She frowns as she says it, like someone trying out a vocabulary word in context for the first time.
Polyamorous. Polyamorous.
I let the word settle over me, let it echo in the silence where my answer should be.
I think we should have an open relationship.
That’s what Steve had said to me, when I was freshly eighteen and traipsing after him with the round-eyed adoration of someone new to love.
He’d never named it then, never called us polyamorous. Maybe because we weren’t, not really. Not when he was free to pursue whoever he wanted while I was burdened with guilt if I dared to even think of offering someone else a piece of my heart.
No, that wasn’t polyamory. That was Steve writing the rules to our relationship so that he could have everything he wanted, and then refusing to even let me see the rule book.
