Page 39 of Avalanche
“Yeah.” I swallow, my throat suddenly tight as I think about all those emotionally excruciating conversations held at the kitchen table, in the living room, even in my bed. “We’re polyamorous.”
And there it is, real and solid as the snow between us. The truth of what we are. What I am. What I want.
A small smile curves my wind-chapped lips.
Tessa’s own lips quirk in response. “Okay, cool.” Her board scrapes the snow as she leans back, pulls her legs towards her. “I mean, I sure as shit wouldn’t sign up for that.” A small laugh huffs out in a cloud in front of her. “I can barely stand dating Jason sometimes, and he’s just one guy.” Her smile widens, teeth flashing white.
I laugh, and this time the sound is open as her smile, dancing off the trees and snow around us.
“It’s pretty nuts sometimes, I’m not going to lie,” I tell her, thinking of the scene in the living room yesterday. Of Antoine asking if I’d marry him. Of Liam looking like a storm cloud set to burst. Of Eddie shoving Matty out into the night and running out after him. Of Seth holding me while I cried at four in the morning. “It’s… it’s a lot.”
“I bet.” Tessa’s eyebrows fly up so high, they nearly disappear behind the brim of her helmet. “So, is that why you’re riding into rocks then? Polycule drama?”
“Sort of?” I shrug dismissively, shooting her an embarrassed smile.
Now that the truth is out in the open, I’m hit with how personal, how private a lot of things are. Because it isn’t just about me, it’s them too. It’s Matty discovering his sexuality and Antoine desperately trying to hold onto his inheritance. It’s Liam holding back his jealousy when everyone else can see it. It’s Seth trying to look after everyone when it isn’t his burden to bear.
It isn’t my burden to bear, either.
The thought has my back straightening, shoulders squaring as if someone has lifted a physical weight from me.
There’re so many things I can’t share with Tessa because they don’t belong to me. They aren’t my problems to solve.
They’re theirs.
“I’m falling pretty hard,” I admit, and it’s the truth, the core of why I was crying into my pillow at four in the morning. And more importantly, it’s my truth. My problem. The one thing I can take hold of and—if not control—at least claim as my own. “I’m… I think I’m in love with all of them.”
The words are tight in my throat, but I power on, desperate to share this one piece of truth that I can rightfully share. This one thing that belongs to me.
“No, I know I’m in love with them. It’s totally crazy, I know, but I am.”
Tessa’s lips part on a silent ohh.
“And I’m not sure if they feel the same way,” I continue, my brow pinching as I say the words out loud. “Well, some of them maybe? But not?—”
I pause, thinking of Liam. Of those soft kisses along the back of my spine, his gentle touch. Of Antoine, careful and hungry as he used my mouth, those green eyes fixed on my face with unabashed awe. Of Eddie, so fast to rush forward and fix things, taking Matty outside before anything could even happen, before even more than a harsh word could be said.
They might not have said the words yet, but does that matter? Can I really say they don’t feel the same way I do when their every look, their every action, screams out its answer?
“Oh, Lily.” Tessa gives me a sympathetic smile, then rises gracefully to her feet, shivering as she brushes caked-on snow from her snowboard pants. “That’s actually adorable.”
She holds out her gloved hands, as if meaning to help me up, but I shake my head and push off the snow on my own, not wanting to pull her over.
“You’ve got five guys willing to date you,” she continues. “To share you, or whatever. And you’re worried that they aren’t into you? You think they aren’t completely head-over-fucking-heels for you?”
She throws back her head in a laugh that sounds more like a cackle, then slides in a curving arc around me until she’s standing downhill from me, staring up at me with a shit-eating grin plastered on her face. I pivot my board, my legs stiff with cold from sitting too long in the snow.
She rolls her eyes when I thud my mittened fists against my quads in an attempt to warm up the muscles, then waves for me to follow her downhill.
“You made me sit and freeze my ass off for that?” she calls over her shoulder, but there is no mistaking the amusement in her voice. “Trust me. Those guys are totally in love with you. So calm down, stop throwing your board over rocks, and let’s go ride!”
Chapter 11
Matty
“Matty has something to tell you guys, don’t you mate?”
I swallow around the lump in my throat, leaning into the pressure of Eddie’s hand against my back as he pushes me down the hallway.
