Page 56 of The Affair
‘I thought I’d do steak and Caesar salad tonight,’ she said, knowing it was one of Devan’s favourite meals.
But he pulled a face. ‘That would have been great. But I’m meeting Jed. They’re showingBlade Runner, the Director’s Cut, at the film club and he got tickets. I know you hated it, so I told him not to get one for you.’
Connie was engulfed by a wave of despair. ‘Don’t go, Devan. Please … don’t go out this evening.’
Her husband looked taken aback. ‘I don’t understand. Why ever not?’
She quickly blinked tears away.
‘Is this about Jed again? I wish you’d tell me why you have such a thing about him.’
‘I just felt like a cosy evening with you, that’s all,’ she said tiredly, aware of her promise to herself that she would tell Devan.I should do it right now, she told herself, her gut seizing with dread.Get it over with.But she was utterly unable to form the words.
Devan was peering at her. ‘Am I missing something, Connie? You seem really upset. We can have steak and salad tomorrow, can’t we?’
She found a smile from somewhere. ‘Yeah, of course. Sorry. Don’t know what’s the matter with me at the moment.’
Still staring at her, Devan said, ‘I can cancel Jed if you want me to.’
‘No, no. I was just being silly. I know you love the film. It’ll be good to see it on the big screen again.’
‘If the projection works,’ he said. ‘Remember the last one we saw, when the whole thing was out of sync?’
She laughed. ‘I think that was just the equipment objecting to having to run such an irritating film.’
Jared knocked on the door at six that evening. Devan was still in the shower, so Connie was forced to let him in.
‘Hey,’ he said softly, reaching to kiss her cheek.
But she stepped away, walked off into the kitchen. He followed.
She listened out for her husband and, hearing nothing, moved closer to Jared, lowering her voice. ‘I saw Neil today. He says you told Brooks about us.’
He frowned. ‘Of course I didn’t. I’d never do that.’
She sighed wearily. ‘Well, how did he know about the Italian tour and Warsaw, then?’
Jared looked bewildered and gave a defensive shrug. Connie watched his childishly handsome face, saw him sweeping back his over-long hair, recognized the navy cotton shirt he was wearing as the one he’d had on in Inverness … and felt no sexual attraction for him whatsoever. She wondered that she ever had. He seemed weak, lost, as he stood there gazing at her with the needy turquoise eyes she’d found so compelling in the past: the cuckoo in the nest. Seeing him now, she felt only revulsion.
‘I’m telling Devan in the morning,’ she said, very quietly.
He looked instantly alarmed. ‘Don’t, Connie. Please don’t. There’s really no need to do that. Things areOK, aren’t they? We’re OK. I was so drunk the other night. It won’t happen again, I promise.Please…’
Listening to him, Connie realized with a shock that for Jared this was about much more than her. He had bought into a community, friendships, a lifestyle – maybe for the first time. She was what had propelled him to this village. But now it was clear that he desperately didn’t want the boat rocked. He wanted everything to stay exactly as it was.
She turned away. ‘Devan will be down in a minute,’ she said, as she walked out of the room. In the hall, she didn’t know where to go. She needed to get away from them both, but Jared might follow her into the sitting room and Devan was in the bedroom … It was raining and bitter outside. She hesitated, then pulled on her heavy parka, grabbed her keys from the bowl on the side. She would drive.
24
Connie drove in the direction of the sea. It was about forty minutes, but she was unaware of the journey, only the destination. She wanted to stand on the edge of the land and look out into the blackness, the emptiness, feel the wind tear at her and the rain lash her cheeks, hear the thunder of surf on shingle and her own voice screaming to the blackened sky. She needed something violent and primeval to erase the image of Jared, who sat like an evil spirit, snug in her bright, cosy kitchen, in her home … with her husband … in the very heart of her marriage. It made her rigid with nausea.
It had stopped raining by the time she’d woven round the one-way system and parked on the seafront. No one was out in this weather. The pier to the west, its two iconic towers lit up, like a disco, with red, green and yellow neon, flashed out over the dark sea. She leaned against the guard rail and allowed the biting wind to whip off the hood of her parka, her hands numb on the cold wet metal, and closed her eyes.
She had brought Caitlin to this beach during numerous summers when she was small, brought little Bash once too. They’d both loved the donkey rides, splashing in the shallows, the ice cream melting down the cones and plopping onto the sand. That, she knew,would be another agonizing fallout from what she must say to Devan in the morning. Caitlin was kind, but she was also uncompromising. Connie cringed at the impact her announcement would unleash. Her daughter would never look at her in the same light again.
It had begun to rain. But her cheeks were wet with tears anyway. The unthinking recklessness of what she had done with Jared was like a knife twisting in her gut.
By the time Connie got back into the car, she was bone-frozen and soaked. She turned on the engine and waited for the heater to kick in and warm her numb fingers. Catching sight of herself in the rear-view mirror, she almost cried out in fright. Her damp skin was the colour of clay, her hair plastered to her skull, tendrils wrapping her face like seaweed, her normally light grey eyes so dark and crazed she looked almost inhuman.
