Page 57 of The Affair
For a mad moment she thought she might just keep driving, not go home at all. Escape Devan’s pain – which felt like a real, palpable thing, throbbing in her hands, despite his not yet being aware of it. But there was no escape. She turned the car around and headed for home.
The house was silent and empty. Riley stirred when she walked into the kitchen, then dropped back to sleep. Connie was relieved Devan was not back – there was no way she could face him tonight, not in the state she was in. She plodded upstairs and ripped off her damp clothes, standing under a hot shower until she felt warm again, at least on the outside. Then she huddled underthe duvet in her pyjamas, body scrunched up, mind whirring, agonizingly alert for her husband’s key in the door.
The next thing she knew, Devan was climbing quietly into bed beside her. She’d been in a deep, numbed sleep and for a second she forgot the situation she was in, automatically turning to snuggle into his arms.
‘Good film?’ she muttered sleepily.
‘Fantastic,’ he replied, putting his arm round her and drawing her closer.
Then she woke properly and reality hit. She stiffened, sat up, accidentally knocking her husband’s face with her elbow in her haste. She heard Devan’s exclamation, then words began pouring, uncontrolled, from her mouth in the dark bedroom, as if disgorged from another person’s throat. The sentences were sharp, staccato bursts, fired with unrelenting clarity. There could be no doubt about what she was saying.
When she had finished there was dead silence. Then the rustle of Devan sitting up, turning on the bedside light. The sudden illumination made her cower and hide her face.
‘What did you just say?’ Devan’s voice was barely above a whisper.
Steeling herself, she turned to him. His dark eyes looked bewildered. She took a deep breath. ‘I’m so sorry,’ she said, almost laughing at the gross inadequacy of her words. Her husband was still staring blankly at her. She wondered if he had really grasped what she’d said. But she wasn’t going to repeat it. She waited,hugging her bent knees, her body trembling. She wanted to get up, to move around and dispel the shaking in her limbs. But she felt anchored beside Devan, like a child to an angry parent.
‘Christ,’ Devan said, his voice low.
‘I’m sorry,’ she repeated vainly.
‘Wait. Let me get this clear.’ His tone had hardened. ‘You’ve been having an affair with Jed … all summer.’
She didn’t respond. There was nothing more she could add.
He wrenched her round to face him. Now, his eyes were blazing. ‘You and Jed had sex?You fucked him?’
Devan seldom used that word. Connie winced to hear it on his lips.
‘Why? Why would you do something like that?’
He was gripping her arms, his head inches from hers. She tried not to flinch, tried to be steady in face of his fury.
‘Tell me, Connie. For God’s sake, tell me.’ He shook her, a short, sharp jerk like she’d give a wet sheet. She was limp in his grasp.
Taking a deep breath, she said, ‘Nothing I can say excuses what happened.’
His grip slackened, but his voice was as cold as steel. ‘I want to know why.Tell me.’
‘I don’t know, I really don’t … Our marriage was in a mess … but I honestly never intended it to happen.’ She knew she sounded weak and unconvincing.
He sneered, letting his hands fall. ‘He was justsoirresistible?’
‘I can’t explain, Devan.’
Her husband jumped out of bed and stood in his T-shirt and pyjama bottoms, glaring down at her with a stunned look on his face. She saw tears in his eyes. He put up a hand and wiped them away with his fingers. ‘Maybe things weren’t so great between us but God, Connie, I don’t understand how you could go that far.’
She couldn’t repeat ‘sorry’ again, so she gritted her teeth and stayed silent.
Devan began to pace, shaking his head in bewilderment. ‘So fucking him in some Italian hotel room wasn’t enough? You had to install him in our village, let me become friends with him? All these weeks … Jesus!’ He swung away from her, shoulders slumped.
Connie jumped out of bed. ‘No, Devan.No, it’s not like that.’ She was desperate to make him understand. ‘I finished it in Scotland. Told him I never wanted to see him again. I thought he’d accepted that.’ She swallowed her own tears. ‘But then he arrived in the village, completely and utterly off his own bat.’ She realized, as she spoke, how improbable it sounded.
‘Right.’ He gave a harsh, cynical snort. ‘Seriously, Connie? And I’m supposed to believe that? More like you thought you’d have your cake and eat it. Slip round the corner for a fuck whenever the fancy took you.’
‘I promise you, we areabsolutely nothaving sex any more,’ she said wearily. ‘The only time I’ve seen him alone was to beg him to leave. But I told you, he’s deluded … a stalker.’
Devan’s face sank into his hands and there was a painful silence in the bedroom. Connie tried to catch her breath.
