Page 85 of Ruin
He urges his dick back toward my mouth, so I take it again.
“When he came out of surgery, he went straight to the ICU. No one knew what would happen. It was a waiting game. He coded a few times. Doctors brought him back. Then he seemed to stabilize. Only… he wasn’t responding to tests the way he should. I’ll never forget the moment they said it. The exact moment the doctor told me my son was brain dead. Everything around me came crashing down. I felt hot and cold all at the same time. Sick to my stomach. I couldn’t think about anything, but I felt it all. It was like all the pain of everyone in that hospital was sucked right into my body at that very second. Surely it shouldn’t hurt so much, right? Of course, it hurts, but that pain was…” He sighs. “It was debilitating.”
I shift my arms higher to go around his waist to feel as if I’m hugging him more.
“I’d said those words to so many parents in my years as a doctor. They teach you to be clear and precise. I saw hurt in those parents eyes so many times, and not for a second did I understand the pain they were feeling. Not until that night.”
He pauses, just taking a few breaths, gathering his thoughts and thinking on his words.
“We stayed at the hospital for a few days. Beth was in denial for a long time, and maybe that’s why it hurt me so much more.I knew what this meant, medically, but she couldn’t comprehend it. She hadn’t seen it before. Days went by in a fog. Before I knew it, Luke was moved to another facility because the hospital wouldn’t keep him and we couldn’t let go. It was then that it really hit her, and I knew… I just knew that I couldn’t leave her alone. Even if our marriage was shit and even if I was miserable, she deserved something good after what happened to Luke. I tried to be that for her, but I failed. Every day was a battle. We grew to hate each other. Maybe I should have tried harder.”
His hand comes down under my chin, and he raises it up so that I can look at him. His dick slips from my mouth, and I go to him so he can kiss me. I rest my head on his chest, and he circles his arms around me.
“I thought of you every single day. I wondered what you were doing and if I should go to you, but I wasn’t strong enough to do it. After losing Luke, I couldn’t let her lose me, too. After a while, I felt like it’s just what was meant for me. Maybe I wasn’t meant to be happy. Obviously, it was depression, but I didn’t see it that way at the time. It was Beth who called me out on it. Beth who took the initiative to get me help. Maybe that’s why I was meant to stay with her for so long, I’m not sure.”
“Why didn’t you tell me sooner? When you first got here?” I ask, running my fingers through the hair on his chest.
“It’s not that I wanted you to feel the pain of Luke’s loss, but I knew if I told you this in the beginning, you’d think it was an excuse. I didn’t want my son’s death to be an excuse.”
I take in a deep breath and let it out slowly. “I’m sorry.”
He kisses my forehead. “You have no reason to be sorry.”
“I shouldn’t be that type of person. I shouldn’t be so angry and selfish. I should have been able to get that news and not make it about me.”
“You wouldn’t be you if you did, Kolton. I’m not angry about it. I love you exactly how you are.”
“Even though I give you a hard time?”
“Becauseyou give me a hard time.” He smiles, and so do I.
It’s quiet for a long time, just the sound of our breathing until I say, “I’m sorry about Luke.”
“Me too,” he whispers. “And I’m sorry for everything that happened after it, too.”
I can’t tell him it’s okay, because it’s not. But I can give him something.
“I understand why you did it.”
“Do you?” he asks.
“Yes. That doesn’t mean I’m okay with it or don’t wish things could be different, but I get it.”
I run my hand down his chest, over his stomach and back up. I so badly want to open up to him and tell him about my father and my brother and everything else, but I don’t want to take away from this moment. Like he said, it’s about Luke. We weren’t close, but we were almost like family. He deserves a moment. So, I keep my mouth shut because there will be another opportunity to have that conversation. Instead, I lean up to kiss Lucian. That’s when my phone rings, and I know something is wrong.
Chapter Thirty-Seven
Kolton
I answer the phone, and I’m met with panic.
“I don’t know what to fucking do, Snapper. She’s freaking out. Yelling and screaming. She’s in so much pain!”
“Calm down,” I say. “Where are you? Did her water break?”
“I don’t fucking know!”
“Where are you?” I repeat as I get out of bed and look for the rest of my clothes. I dug my phone out of my jeans, so those are already on, but I don’t know where my damn shirt is.
