Page 84 of Ruin
“Kolton, please don’t make this about us. This wasn’t about you or me or Beth. This was about Luke.”
I grit my teeth, knowing that’s the truth, but it’s so hard not to be angry.
“I could have been there for you.”
He nods again. “I know.”
“You didn’t let me.”
“I know,” he says, this time sounding frustrated, but it’s with himself and not with me.
I grip his shirt, trying to keep my breathing calm as I work through all the thoughts in my head. It’s impossible. There’s too much.
“Lucian—”
“I can’t talk about this right now,” he says. “Please, I just need a little bit of time to process.”
I hate that answer. I hate waiting. Patience is not my thing, but this is for him. So I nod and wrap my arms around him. For the first time since I’ve known him, it feels as if I’m the one holding him together. And I don’t hate it.
Chapter Thirty-Six
Kolton
Lucian makes us dinner: chicken alfredo with broccoli. It’s one of my favorite meals, and I wonder if he remembered that or if it just so happened that it’s what he had in the fridge to whip up quickly.
We sit at the breakfast bar to eat, since there isn’t a table in the dining room yet, and the living room furniture is covered in plastic. We eat in silence, sipping the chilled chardonnay. Wine isn’t my typical go-to drink, but he assured me it would go well with the meal and he wasn’t wrong.
Lucian has never steered me in the wrong direction. Not really.
I know he told me that he needed time to get his thoughts together, but it’s difficult not to think about Luke and what happened. The more time goes by, the more questions I have. My emotions keep flipping from sad to angry. He didn’t allow me to be there for him. He took that from me. I can’t be sureof the details but I can only assume it happened that night. It’s why he didn’t come back.
Why didn’t he just say that?
I don’t blame him for staying with his son, if that’s the case, and had he told me that’s what happened, I wouldn’t have blamed him for his decision. I would have accepted it. I would have waited for him.
When our plates are empty and the bottle of wine gone, we bring our dishes to the sink. Lucian rinses them and puts them in the dishwasher while I lean against the counter and watch. He said he needed time, but how much time? How long can I keep this to myself?
“Come with me,” he says, taking my hand and leading me upstairs to his bedroom. He begins to get undressed and so I do the same. When he crawls onto the bed and gestures for me to follow, I do. He grabs his dick, holding it out in offering.
I get comfortable on the bed, resting my head on his thigh, and take him into my mouth. After a moment of his fingers brushing through my hair, my eyes fall closed.
Nothing has ever felt as peaceful as this and I can’t even remember how we figured out we both not only liked it, but needed it. There’s a connection here, something that bonds us together on an emotional level that isn’t as physical as sex. It’s also less strenuous and calming in an entirely different way. It’s intimacy at its finest.
“There are a lot of things I regret in life. It’s easy to decide whether you regret something or not. Either you do or youdon’t. For me, I go back and forth on that night, unsure if what I did was right or if I should have done something different.”
I lay my hand on his other thigh as I continue to listen.
“After I left you, I went back to my hotel and gathered my things. I was going to take the trip to Boston to pack more, make sure all my affairs were in order, then I would drive back here to get you. I was ten minutes from my place when I got the call. Those words… they still haunt me.” He pauses, taking a slow, shaky breath. “’Your son has been in an accident. You need to come to the hospital right away.’ I’m sure there was more to the conversation, but that’s all I remember. Sometimes I wish I didn’t remember any of it.”
I hook my arm around his thigh, hugging his leg closer to me. He continues to brush his fingers through my hair, as I keep his cock warm in my mouth.
“When I got there, I knew it was bad. Most people think the worst, but as a doctor who has seen this too many times, I knew what I was walking into. Beth was there already. Devastated, of course. Luke was still in surgery. He’d stay that way for seven hours and twenty-two minutes. It felt like an eternity. Beth and I hardly spoke to each other, and I had never felt so lonely in my entire life.”
He pauses again before saying, “I thought of calling you so many times, but I just… couldn’t. Still to this day, I don’t know what it was that stopped me. Maybe I didn’t want to worry you, burden you, I don’t know. I just knew I had to be there for my son.”
I release his dick from my mouth and look up at him. “I would have understood.”
He smiles sadly at me. “I know, sweet boy. I know you would have. At least, I know that now.”
