Page 65 of Until Tomorrow
“Yeah, but it feels like a big deal,” I said.
“It is a big deal,” she agreed. “Understanding yourself is a big deal, but it isn’t a big deal for the people around you. Didn’t you already learn that Eva won’t love you any less because of your sexuality?”
“Yes.”
“And do you honestly think Elliot would care about you less if you told him?”
“No.” I sighed. “No, he wouldn’t.”
A fact that Eva liked to gently remind me of from time to time.I wasn’t worried about Elliot caring any less about me. That’d never happen. I just worried about how our friendship would change if he figured out the inciting incident to this whole damn journey was him trying to kiss me. I didn’t know how to handle that—I wasn’t ready to handle that.
“I know it’s scary, and I know it’s a process. For some people, it takes years, and even then, they still don’t figure it out,” Amelia said, and I groaned. I didn’t want that. “I know you want answers here and now, but I just want to make sure you’re prepared for the fact that it doesn’t work that way.”
“I know. I appreciate it,” I whispered.
“What makes a guy attractive to you?” I asked Eva as we cooked dinner. Well, she cooked dinner and made me sit at the island out of the way. We hadn’t cooked for ourselves in years. Everything was takeout or meal plans. Before that, our cooking skills were that of creative ramen endeavors and simple shit. Watching her attempt to make a full meal was endearing—though the color of the vegetables gave me concern if I was being honest. “Like what about them is something that you’re attracted to?”
“Oh.” Her lips pursed together as she considered the question. I was stuck on my therapy session and curious about what she’d have to say as it applied to her. “Eyes followed very closely by arm veins.”
“Arm veins?” I repeated stupidly.Who noticed arm veins on anyone?
“Arm veins make me go a little bit stupid, sweetheart,” she said. “I wouldn’t say I have a particular body type, but the eyes always get me every time. You have very pretty eyes.”
“Well, thank you,” I replied, more perplexed than I thought I’d be. That was nowhere near the same concept as what I’d told Amelia.
“Why do you ask?”
“It was something we were talking about in therapy today,” I told her. She made a small sound but said nothing else. Eva was always very careful not to ask questions about my therapy. “She’s helping me figure out what I find attractive in people. I’ve been on two dates with Emerson. He’s a good guy, he’s attractive, and… nothing. I’m not attracted to him at all. I don’t understand why.”
“Well.” She stopped cutting meatballs to look at me. “It’s okay if you aren’t. You know that, right?”
“I do, but I’m having a hard time with this whole… dating thing,” I admitted. “You look at guys and think… oh, they have nice eyes and arm veins, I’m attracted to them. I don’t look at people that way. I look at people and can objectively see why they’re attractive, but I’m not just randomly attracted to them. Does everyone do that? Is there something wrong with me?”
That was the question on repeat in my head. It felt like there was something wrong with me, no matter what Amelia told me.
“There’s nothing wrong with you, Logan,” Eva assured me quickly. “Attraction is different for everyone. Why don’t you ask Elliot? Maybe he can offer some insight. Maybe hearing what he’s attracted to will help?”
“Because he doesn’t have a clue what’s happening,” I reminded her.
“No, I know that,” she replied. “But you can easily say it was a conversation that came up, and you were curious about his response since he bailed on dinner tonight.”
Elliot was supposed to join us for Eva’s first big cooking endeavor. Because he’d helped her make the list, she wanted him here. But an old hook-up of his was in town for the night, and Elliot wanted to see him. While Eva was quick to tell him to go enjoy his night, I knew her well enough to know she wasn’t okay with it.
“You’re still mad about that, aren’t you?”
“Not at all.”
“You’re a terrible liar,” I said.
“Text Elliot while I finish up cooking.” She waved her wooden spoon at me.
“You’re a bossy little thing.” I chuckled as I took out my phone.
“Oh, you like it,” Eva replied with a smile.I did.I fell silent, watching her cook while I did as she told me to.
Got a minute?
ELI: Foryou? Maybe.
