Page 64 of Until Tomorrow
It all left me wondering if that one moment with Elliot had gotten so far in my head that it fucked with my anxiety and left me thinking things about myself that weren’t true.
“With who?” I asked. “Okay, yes, there’sTumble, but it’s just… I can’t connect with people on there. Eva and I have always had a deep connection, even when we were young. Elliot and I have a connection. I can’t… I’m a lawyer who doesn’t have the words to make this make sense.”
“Let me ask you this: when you look at your wife, what is it about her that you’re attracted to?”
“Physically?” I frowned.Was there a right answer for this?My anxiety ran rampant with the best way to answer this question, which was dumb, considering this was therapy. There were no wrong answers—at least, according to her.
“Whatever comes to mind first,” she said.
“Her fire,” I replied without thinking. That much was easy. I’d been pulled in by her fire from the moment I met her. “She’s… strong and independent, but not in the way people think of strong, independent women. She’s gone through so much, and it just shows, if that makes sense.”
“Would you still find those qualities attractive and find Eva attractive if she were a man?” Amelia asked.
Her question made me falter.Honestly, I’d never thought about it.I couldn’t imagine my wife as a man, which made it hard to answer. I just shrugged.
“And what about Elliot? What do you find attractive about him?”
“Oh.” I blew out a long breath of air, stalling.God, I hated therapy.I liked therapy because Amelia was good at what she did, but I also hated most of the questions she asked. “I don’t know… he’s just… Elliot.”
“That’s not an answer, Logan,” Amelia said. “You’re attracted to Eva’s fire, strength, and independence. What are you attracted to in Elliot?”
The woman was relentless, even if I didn’t want to think about what I found attractive in my best friend.
“Elliot’s just…fuck.This is going to sound pathetic.”
“No one is judging you here.”
“I’mjudging me.” I was.Painfully hard.
“We’ll work on that,” she promised.
“Of course,” I muttered. “Elliot’s just… he’s sunshine. Does that even make sense? I don’t know. Elliot’s always been this calm and steady bright spot in my life. He’s so unapologetically himself.”
Fire and sunshine.Apparently, I was attracted to things that could burn me.
“And Emerson?”
“I’m not attracted to Emerson,” I told her. “He’s attractive. I’m not saying he’s not, but I’m just not… attracted to him. He’s a good guy—good-looking, nice enough, I like his dog. I should be attracted to him. Isn’t that how being bisexual works? Being attracted to both men and women?”
So, why didn’t I fit? I wasn’t attracted to men and women. Not really. I was attracted to very specific men and women.Was I even bi-curious at this point?
“Don’t get too ahead of yourself, Logan,” she cut me off as if she knew what I was thinking. “I’ll be taking a leave of absence for the next few weeks to deal with a family emergency, so we won’t be able to meet, but I want you to do something for me.”
“Okay,” I replied slowly, feeling the small ebb of panic weasel its way into my chest.
“I want you to talk to people,” she said. Damn it. I wasn’t good at talking to people. “On the dating app and in public. At the end of every day, I want to note every person you’ve talked to, and I want you to write down if you find yourself attracted to them. And if you’re attracted to them, I want you to write down what it is that you find attractive, okay?”
“And this will help me? Do you do this for everyone?”
“You’re a concrete person, Logan. To be completely upfront, I’m a mile ahead of you right now, but you need to get there in your own time and at your own pace.” Amelia smiled.Well, shit.I wanted to know what she knew. “This list is something for you to look at and see how you feel attraction to others. Think of it as a stepping stone. It’s going to be work—”
“I don’t mind doing the work if it’ll help,” I interrupted. She was right. I liked concrete things I could see and make sense of.
“I know, and that’s why I know you’ll do this. But don’t stress over it.”
“That’s easier said than done,” I scoffed.
“I know,” she said. “But dating—for all its Chads and mediocre dates—is meant to be enjoyable. Let yourself enjoy it, Logan. I know trying to understand your sexuality and where you fit in the world is confusing. But your sexuality isn’t what defines you. The people who care about your sexuality don’t matter, and the people who matter don’t care about your sexuality. They care about you for who you are.”
