Page 34 of Until Tomorrow
Thecoffeeshopshepicked was unique, full of bright colors, plants, and old books. The mismatched chairs and scuffed-up tables were lived in. I traced my finger over the initials scratched into the table.
N.C. + C.W.
The initials weren’t the only ones. Dozens decorated the table I sat at and others. The notion made me smile.
Something about the place was homey and sweet. Its raw and honest edges reminded me of Eva in a way. So much of her personality from our younger years screamed from the walls. No wonder she liked it here.
“Okay,” Eva announced as she joined me, balancing two colorful mugs in hand, “the coffee is crap, but the tea is fantastic. Some of the best I’ve ever had.”
“You’ve never been a fan of coffee,” I said with a chuckle. I quickly took the mugs from her and set them on the table for her. Instead of letting me pull her chair out as she always did, she kicked it out with ease and sat down. “This is a unique place. How did you find it?”
“Well…” She clicked her tongue, stalling. I took the opportunity to take a sip of the coffee and made a face. She was right. It was awful coffee, but I was a bit of a coffee snob. There was no way I was drinking it. “I needed to find a new coffee shop, and I like this one. I met Amelia at this table. And it’s better than the other one I found four blocks over. That one had cats.”
“That doesn’t sound sanitary at all,” I murmured.
“That was my thought,” she agreed. Leaning down, she emptied her tote bag, depositing a meticulously tabbed binder on the table along with two notebooks and pens. Laying her hands on them, she drew in a deep breath, and I braced myself. Small talk wasn’t our thing, which I was grateful for. “I… first and foremost, I owe you an apology.”
She what?If anyone had to apologize, it was me.
“You don’t owe me anything, Eva.”
“No, I do,” she insisted. “I never should’ve questioned you when you told me that you were interested in men. I never should’ve called it a midlife crisis. And I’m sorry for that. I’m sorry for getting angry with you when you told me instead of being understanding. I was… blindsided—and I know that’s not an excuse. I just…”
“Honey, you don’t owe me an apology,” I repeated when she faltered. I offered a reassuring smile, hoping it helped. “I mean that.”
“I wish you had talked to me,” Eva said. “It’s been a while since Elliot’s birthday, which means that you’ve been feeling these things and taking it out on yourself since then. I don’t… I don’t know what that looked like, but I hate the idea of you going through this alone. I’m assuming you haven’t said anything to Elliot?”
“No, I haven’t.”
“I think you should. He’d understand.”
“I don’t want him to blame himself or… I don’t know.” I sighed. “I need to figure this out alone.”
“You mean together,” she corrected.
“Yes, together,” I replied. “I don’t know what that means, though, Eva, if I’m being honest. I heard the presentation tonight, and I think I understand why you wanted me there. But I need to hear it from you, so we end up on the same page here. I don’t want to assume anything.”
“I don’t think we should get a divorce,” Eva said. “I think we should talk about exploring polyamory. You have needs that I can’t satisfy, and I’m okay with that.”
“You don’t have to be. I know we’ve been together—”
“Don’t let your anxiety do the talking for you, Logan,” she interrupted, her voice gentle. “I’m telling you it’s okay, and I mean that. I promise it is. I know my initial reaction was less than stellar, but it wasn’t about you being interested in men, and I know that now. The divorce request blindsided me. And I’m sorry. I know I’ve made it harder for you to accept yourself as you are for what you’re going through because of how I reacted.”
I nodded, taking my time to absorb her words. Eva had a better understanding of how to manage my anxious thoughts than I did most days. It was a magic I didn’t understand.
“I meant what I said. This isn’t about you,” I said. “I just… I don’t know how to live my life pretending that I don’t find men attractive in some way. I don’t understand why now, but I can’t pretend I don’t either. I’m just really confused about who I am, Eva.”
“You’re you, Logan. Whether you’re the you who likes women or the you who likes both men and women or even… the you who only likes men, it doesn’t matter,” Eva whispered. “You’re more than your sexuality, even if it doesn’t feel like that right now.”
“I don’t feel it,” I admitted.
“I know, but you are,” she promised. “And I’d like to be there for you to keep reminding you of that. I know you think you have to go through this alone, but you don’t. I know you. I know that this will be a lot for you to go through, and I want to be there for you, even if we don’t stay married.”
“Eva, I’d like to stay married,” I told her.
“I know. I’m just putting that out there, so you know where I’m at with everything. No matter what happens, I’m in your corner. It’ll be okay.” The smile she offered wrapped around my heart, and I drew in a deep breath to calm the flood of feelings she incited. “As far as our marriage, I’ve spent a lot of time talking with Katy about how their home life works, and I think we can do this. It’ll be work, but we’ve never shied away from working toward what we wanted. But I don’t see why we can’t be married and still give you the space and freedom needed to figure your sexuality out.”
“And how would that work?” I asked. “What does this look like to you, Eva?”
