Page 33 of Until Tomorrow
“Eva and I have been together pretty much since the day we met. We weren’t dating at the time, but she’s my Katy,” I told him in terms I knew he’d understand. “We were eleven when we met. I’m closing in on forty. My whole life has been one way, and it’s all I know. And now… I feel like I took a deck of cards and chucked it into the wind for the worst game of fifty-two card pick up in history.”
“That’s an accurate assessment.” He laughed. “Look, I wasn’t as old as you are, but I was set where I was at. I was comfortable. I know I talked casually about it in there, but at the time, it was hard. It’s fucking terrifying when life is going one way and then it changes. But when that happens, we’ve got choices to make. We can run from the changes at a cost to our own identity, or we can get damn comfortable with being uncomfortable.”
“I don’t like the sound of that.”Not at all.
“You’re not supposed to.”
“I’m uncomfortable. I’m miserable. I miss my wife. I want to understand… all of this and know… am I bisexual? Is this just… some fluke of a moment?”
“Don’t cheapen it,” Loren cut me off, his tone sharp. “Society has a way of trying real fucking hard to cheapen sexuality into the idea that it could’ve been a fleeting mistake. It doesn’t work like that. If it’s there, it’s a thing. It’s not a drunken mistake or whatever. You can’t run from it, no matter how much you want to. If you’re curious enough to end a twenty-something-year relationship, you’re notthatcurious, Logan. To some extent, you are attracted to men. What that looks like for you is what you have to figure out.”
“That’s the part that stresses me out,” I said. Stressed me out was an understatement, but he didn’t need to know about my anxiety.
“Yeah. Dealing with the unknown will do that to you. Give me your phone,” he ordered, holding out his hand. I did and unlocked it for him. I watched as he put in his phone number without asking me. “For as alone as you feel, you’re not. I know the younger generations often have a handle on figuring their sexuality out young, but that doesn’t mean they’re the only ones. It can happen at any age, and lucky for you, I know people. If you ever want to talk, I’m around. And if not me… again, I know people.”
“You don’t have to,” I told him quietly. His willingness to help threw me off.Why?
“I know, but I want to,” Loren said as he gave back my phone. “And for what it’s worth, if I were you, I’d have a long conversation with Eva about changing up your marriage. I think you owe it to yourself to have the conversation. You wouldn’t still be here if you weren’t open to the idea of it. There’s no reason you can’t be with her and work on figuring out your interest in men as long as both of you are on the same page. She’s good people. Better than most. I don’t know too many who, if they were in your position, their partner would be as willing as she is. Her and Katy have spent hours on the phone talking about this.”
I knew just how good Eva was.
“They have?”
“Yeah.” He chuckled. “There was a whole day Katy had me calling Jack to ask questions while she damn near interrogated Avery on behalf of Eva. Something about a binder or some shit.”
That made me laugh.
“Sounds like Eva,” I stated. She was the queen of organizing things. I adored that about her. It made life easier. “Thank you.”
“No need to thank me,” he said. “Just give yourself a little grace, Logan. I’m a firm believer that we’re always figuring out who we are, but some moments test us, you know? This is one of those moments. The harder you are on yourself, the more difficult the process will be. There ain’t nothing wrong with you. You’re just growing.”
Just growing.It felt a lot more complicated than just growing. The anxiety that coiled around my chest, making it uncomfortable to breathe, agreed.
“There you are,” Eva interrupted the conversation as she came outside. I offered her a small smile.
“And that’s my cue!” Loren announced. He snuffed out his cigarette with his boot before offering me a hand one more time. “Good to meet you, Logan. I meant what I said. Hit me up anytime you need to chat. Eva, my dear!”
He turned from me to offer Eva an awkward hug around the massive tote bag she had on her shoulder.
“Good to see you,” she told him.
“Always. Don’t be a stranger,” he replied. “Have a good night, you two.”
“Thank you, Loren,” Eva called after him as he went back inside. The two of us were left in an uncomfortable silence. I could see how she silently steeled herself for whatever came next.
Loren was right. I did owe it to myself to have this conversation with her.
Moreover, I owed it to her.
“Let’s go talk,” I said softly. For as composed as she was trying to be, I didn’t miss the surge of emotions in those pretty eyes. I slid my hand under the strap of her tote bag and slipped it off her shoulder.Good Lord, what the hell was in the bag?She rolled out her shoulders with a small sigh of relief. “You tell me where you want to go, and I’ll drive.”
“Okay,” she replied.
I held out my hand. Her fingers laced through mine, and I clung to her. I wasn’t a praying man, but as I let her lead the way across campus, I said one with the hope that we could make this work.
Chapter 22
Logan
