Page 58 of Kiss-Fist
‘Signs?’
I shrug. I don’t think so, but who knows.
His eyes narrow. His signs are dangerously slow. ‘Date with me. Three hearing. Me Deaf. No signing?’
Yep. That about sums up my gigantic fuckup. I nod, my cheeks hot.
Robbie stares me in the face, and then his hands go off like a bomb exploded, flying between us, large andangry. I don’t understand a single word of it, but I know whatever he’s saying, I absolutely deserve it.
Thunder cracks as he’s telling me off. The lights flicker again. And in the light of the room, he looks like he may actually dislike me.
Or maybe even hates me.
Fuck.
I really should have met Robbie when it wasn’t storm season. It makes trying to understand him hard. Harder than it normally is when he’s this upset.
Then suddenly, his signs stop, and his chest heaves. He’s staring at me sadly, almost like he doesn’t know what to do now.
I say the only thing I know how to without screwing up.
‘Sorry.’
He closes his eyes, and his head tilts back. I don’t like that communication is cut off when he does this. Not that we’re really communicating. He’s yelling at me, and I’m just standing here while he does.
I deserve it. I didn’t include him, didn’t ask his opinion or consider his feelings. He has every right to be upset.
When his eyes open and he looks at me, I sign it again. ‘Sorry.’
‘Stop saying that,’ he tells me, his signs slow and curt. ‘I know you’re sorry.’
Then, he gestures for my phone and types for a really long time.
I stand there waiting, watching the facial expressions move across his face as he types furiously.
When he hands his phone to me, my hand shakes as Itake it and hit the button on the app that’ll read it all out for me because I don’t want to miss a single thing he’s said, and I think he knows that. I think that’s why he used mine.
Robbie: I shouldn’t have signed so fast you couldn’t understand. But I’m upset. You set up a date with hearing people that I don’t know without consulting me. You don’t understand because you’re new to this, but hearing people tend to walk all over Deaf people without realizing they’re doing it. They make choices for them without asking them, thinking they know better. And you did that with your brother. You made a choice without me. Without taking into consideration my feelings or what I might need in order to feel comfortable. Or safe.
I gulp at that last one.
Leaf was right.
Robbie: This is why hearing and Deaf don’t work. It’s not just the communication or the culture differences. It’s because people like you forget their privilege. We aren’t less than. We’re equal to. I want a voice in the things that matter. I want a fucking VOICE.
I feel my eyes start to burn, and I swallow heavily. Is that what he took away from that? Oh god. There’s no coming back from this, it seems. I’ve fucked up majorly and didn’t even realize it. I force myself to finish listening to the crappy electronic voice read out thenote.
Robbie: So I’m telling you now. I don’t want to go on this date. Not now. Not ever.
My hand is trembling as I read those last two words and hear myself sniffle.
Robbie is watching me intently, his simmering eyes dimming slightly when he sees how upset I am. But I’m not trying to manipulate him with my emotions. I just can’t help how I feel. I had no idea how deep his feelings went on this.
Through blurry eyes, I type back a simple response.
Me: I undrstnd. I’m sry.
I tip the screen toward him so he can read it, and then I point to my chest and throw my thumb over my shoulder, forgetting the sign forleave.
