Page 22 of Under the Influence
“You were neverworthless.”
Anger – not sure if it’s directed at me or himself – rumbles in his tone. Huge hands scrub down his face, and he glares at the ceiling. A huge sigh ruffling the rogue black strand of hair falling onto his lined forehead. Seconds tick by with only the gurgle of the coffee maker breaking the strainedsilence.
"I don't think Dr. Coy’s car wreck was anaccident."
Where in the hell did that come from? "What are you talkingabout?"
My body begins to tremble before he answers. Suddenly freezing from the repulsion paling his face. Dread already coursing through me despite myconfusion.
“I can't prove it. But I was under attack from a crazy sick bastard, and she might have been one of his targets to get to you through me. From the information he compiled, it looks like he might have gone after your family and friends too. I had to protect all ofyou.”
Astonishment bolts through my body from the fierceness sharpening his voice. Never expecting him to be honest. And, never ever imagining that my professor and maybe the people I love could’ve been injeopardy.
“If I told you the truth of what was going on, it would have scared you. And as much as it fucking killed me, I had to make you hate me – make you want to stay away from me – to keep yousafe.”
I’m not foolish. I knew the possibility of being in danger existed. But he always made sure I never felt afraid. Never exposed me to anything that made me feel at risk. That he would always take care of me. I can't hide the shuddering of my shoulders. For him and for me. “Are the threats stillthere?”
“No, I took care of him.” He leans closer but doesn't touch me. Seeming to hesitate, his fingers stop a few inches from my cheek and curl into a fist instead. Drifting down to his side as his face hardens with worry. “You don’t have to beafraid.”
I'm not afraid. I’m terrified. “You killedhim?”
“I made sure you and the people you care about aresafe.”
That would be a ‘yes’ then. Anxiety flushes through me too. From the realization overwhelming me that I finally have the answer I've been seeking for so long. And somehow doesn't satisfy me. Only agitates me more. “But we could be in danger again? If there are otherthreats?”
“It’spossible.”
“Then why aren’t you pushing me awaynow?”
This time his long fingers caress my cheek. Deep blue eyes searching my face. “Because I’m a selfish bastard, and I can’t let you goagain.”
The real truth he won’t admit. “You can’t let me be with someoneelse.”
“You belong withme.”
His stern tone leaves no room for argument. At least in his mind. I won’t allow him to manipulateme.
“I don’t…” I’m unable to finish. Uncertain what to do. Unsure how to absorb this information that my advisor’s safety was compromised because of me. From being with the man I love. Losing him to protect them. Andmyself.
Everything I’ve believed to be true for the past six months is a lie. I think. Maybe this is a ploy too. Just to manipulate me into taking him back. Only for him to tire of me again. Yet his torment seems genuine. His remorse appears sincere. “I need time tothink.”
“Nothing to thinkabout.”
How is it possible I love such an irrational man? Who just sees his perspective? A selfish inclination from years of only caring about himself. That waned when we were together yet returns in full force when he thinks he's right. “Yes, thereis.”
“We love eachother.”
“That’s notenough.”
“Yes itis.”
An impervious lift of his shoulders that infuriates me. As if I'm obtuse for missing the obvious. I don't know what to say or do to get him to understand. “You put me through hell. I didn't sleep for a week. Crying and agonizing over you. Questioning what could have happened to make you suddenly not want meanymore."
I have to swallow down the burning in my throat. Still unable to speak of the loss after all of this without breaking down. "I had to mourn losing our baby all by myself. Curled up in bed bleeding and cramping wondering why you weren’t there with me. Knowing that everything I loved between us was slipping away. And then after all that I still had to get up and go to class and work, pretending to my family and friends that everything was fine. That I was fine. When I was really shattered inside. For months. Every single day. Alone. And now you just expect me to forget all ofthat?"
His lips part but he remains quiet from my uncharacteristic outburst. The first time I've ever shocked him speechless. A frustrated shake of his head before he tugs me against him. I don’t resist. Accepting the comfort he offers me. Squeezing me tight and stroking my head and tucking his face into my neck. Because for all his faults, I know he hurts too. He’s the only person besides me who suffers the pain of what we created andlost.
After a minute, I push him away. I know he thinks I'm trying to punish him more. But his confession doesn't absolve him of his sins. I can't forgive that easily. Can't forget that quickly. “Then you tell me it was only a ruse. To keep us safe. And now you just expect me to accept your explanation and get backtogether?”
