Page 84 of The Best Book Boyfriend
I give his arm a squeeze and head back upstairs to get dressed, desperately hoping he understands what I mean.
The sea air and quiet evening with Luke have done me good, but I’m wrung out by the time I get home. I’ve been at Luke’s since Thursday, and even skipped girl’s night to make sure he was OK. Hattie and Megan understood. I told them Luke needed some company, and we’d be back on for next week. His grief is not my story to share.
And my God, he is grieving. I’d worked myself up into a right state by the time I got to his house. I haven’t spiralled like that in a while, but that’s the thing about not having answers, you tend to imagine the worst. I’d thought he was ignoring me because I’d been a drunken sleaze. When Katy said he was sick but he wasn’t answering his phone, I filled in the gaps in the worst possible way. Panicked that he’d had an accident, or done something to himself. If I’d have gone around a couple of days before, maybe I could have helped sooner.
I change into my pyjamas and crawl back into bed to read, but the book I’m reading seems dead set on hurting me. It’s the second of the Taylor Sisters novels and this is Penny, the middle sister’s story. She’s a veterinarian who starts dating one of her customers, Toby, when he rescues a lovely old greyhound. And guess what? He’s a widower still nursing a grieving heart. I can only picture him as Luke, and I can only picture myself as Penny and even though I have absolutely zero knowledge about animals or vet stuff, I want to be doing all the things Penny and Toby do together.
The weight of my feelings is becoming too much to carry. When I catch myself zoning out in the hallway thinking about him, I shake myself out of it, and pull my phone from my pocket. I’ve been doing it for so long now that it’s almost a Pavlovian response.
Think about Luke. Get sad. Can’t concentrate. Open up a dating app. Swipe a few profiles. Wait for messages to come. It’s a unique self-torture. I know it won’t lead to anything, it’s always been a quick distraction.
I’ve got three profiles now. “You’ve got to cast a wide net,” Hattie said, even though I’ve definitely declined some of these men on multiple apps now and the pool of local candidates feels tiny.
My head isn’t right when I’m on them. I hate sending the first message, even when that’s the way it works. I refuse to reply to men who only say “Hi” or “What u up to?” And I spend most of the time blocking men who are just plain creepy, and then feeling guilty that I haven’t given them a proper chance.
I don’twantto give them a proper chance. If I wasn’t trying to hide my feelings for Luke, I wouldn’t be messing about with apps at all. My life of being sworn to die alone and celibate was just fine until he came along and cracked open something I’d locked up forever. Who wants to be in a relationship, anyway? This friendship, this quiet companionship I have with Luke, it’s enough.
I’m deleting the apps.
Today.
Now.
I run a glass of water and I’m walking through to the living room when it happens. A press of the thumb to open the app, a sharpness behind my ribs, my vision swimming. I fall against the doorframe when my legs crumple beneath me. My chest caves in, the glass slips, water spilling across the carpet, as I land awkwardly on my knees, a broken howl rising from my throat. Through blurry eyes I look again, and there on my phone is his face.
Adam, 29.
“He’s single, and he didn’t even tell me.” I sob into a cushion, face down on the sofa.
“Oh darling, why would he?” Megan says, crouching next to me and stroking my hair. “He’s not in your life anymore. I know that’s not much comfort, but it’s true.”
Hattie paces the room, scrolling through his profile on my phone. “He’s not even got a single decent photo in here that isn’t one he’s cropped you out of. Adam, twenty-nine. What a shithead.”
“Isn’t he thirty?” says Megan. “His birthday is before yours.”
“He’s a liar.” Hattie spits. “He’s probably put twenty-nine so he’s in more people’s age bracket. Catfish prick.”
“Why are you on here anyway, Kara? I thought you’d been with Luke the past few days?” Megan asks.
“I was,” I groan, “I was about to uninstall the apps. There’s no point, I’m going back to being sworn off men.”
“Oh, for fuck’s sake!” Hattie shouts, drawing out thesakeand genuinely terrifying me a little. “Sit up, you beautiful idiot.” She hooks her arms under mine, pulls me upright, then stands over me with her hands on her hips. Megan sits at my side, one arm around my shoulders, a box of tissues in her hands. I take one and blow my nose hard.
“I’ve had enough of this now,” Hattie says.
“Enough of what?”
“You and your Book Boyfriend.”
I’m confused. “Toby?” I haven’t even told them what I’m reading this week.
“Luke! You have clearly, so clearly, got it bad for him. He hasclearlygot it bad for you.”
“He’s like a puppy when you walk in the room,” Megan says, stroking my hair.
“Seriously, just being around you two is making me consider pitching a throuple.”
“We’re just friends,” I sniff. “I was with him because he’s not been well, he’s hurting.”
