Page 82 of Out of Bounds
“We don’t know. Mind you, she has Alzheimer’s.”
“They need to do better at monitoring them.”
“Same thing I said. Food is almost done if you want to go wash up.”
“I’ll be right back,” he said as he stood.
After my conversation with Koya last week, I’d done some serious soul searching and realized that she was right. It was time for me to break things off with Lamar. Kreed had the kids for the night, so I’d invited him over for dinner so the two of us could talk. By the time Lamar had made it back from the bathroom, I’d plated the food and fixed us a glass of wine.
“Want to do the honors?” I asked and sat next to him at the island.
Lamar grabbed my hand and blessed the food. Once he was done, the two of us dug in.
“This steak is cooked to perfection.”
“Well, thank you.” I fluttered my eyelashes. “It took years for me to learn how to get that perfect marble.”
Holding the steak up, Lamar inspected it. “You did a damn good job.”
Sticking my tongue out, I patted myself on the shoulder.
“You said we had to talk.”
“We do…” I exhaled slowly.
Lamar nodded. “What’s going on?”
I glanced down at my plate for a brief moment before bringing my eyes back up to his. “Lamar, I have thoroughly enjoyed getting to know you. You’ve been kind, more than patient, and all around perfect.”
“But…”
“But this… Us… We were never meant to last. I didn’t see it at first, but it’s clear I was running from something instead of facing it.”
“Kreed.”
“Yeah. When I left, I thought I was done. Didn’t think there was anything to fix. And I’m not saying that there is something to fix, but I’m admitting that I jumped headfirst into something new, hoping it would make the pain stop.”
“Did it make the pain stop?” he probed.
“For a minute, it did. You made me feel seen in a way. And I’m grateful for that. But I find myself doing a lot of comparing between the two, and that’s not fair to you.”
“It’s not. And I kind of felt like there was still something there. The night he and I met, I could tell he wasn’t a man who had come to terms with it being over. I just hoped that I was seeing things.”
“I’m sorry if you felt like I led you on.”
“You didn’t. Truthfully, I should’ve given you time to really heal. I should’ve remained a friend, and we should’ve never invited intimacy into the mix.”
“Right…” I tongued my cheek. The weight of my honesty was settling in. The truth of the matter was that Kreed still had my heart. No matter how many times I’d told myself that he didn’t,he did. He was so deeply embedded in it that it was hard for me to rent that space out to anyone else.
“What now?” Lamar queried.
“Well, for starters… we’re going to finish eating dinner as we planned.” I gave him a small smile. “Eventually, I have to figure out what’s left between me and Kreed. I’m not even sure if I want him back, but I know I can’t keep using you to avoid answering that question.”
“I understand completely. I’m not going to sit here and tell you what to do; no one can make that decision for you. But I will tell you this: you owe it to yourself to get real about what you’re feeling, and not just what is expected of you.
“Kreed didn’t just cheat; he created a whole other life outside of your marriage. That’s not something that you just get over. If you do consider taking him back, let it be because yougenuinelybelieve there’s something worth rebuilding. KJ is a forever situation—holidays, birthdays, co-parenting… that would be your reality. And if you can’t see yourself being a part of that, it doesn’t make you a bad person; it makes you honest. If you stay, you have to realize that healing won’t come from just trying harder. It’ll come from both of you doing the work, and he needs to carry more of that weight than you do. At the end of the day, you don’t have to rush to decide. Genuinely sit with everything and then decide how you want to move forward. Either way, I’m Team Masai.”
I sighed because every word he stated was true. I appreciated his sermon, and while I was usually the preachy person in everyone’s life, it felt nice to hear something real that could help me from someone else. Forking my salad, I turned to him and asked, “So, you don’t hate me?”
