Page 81 of Daddy's Muse
And though my heart felt like it was tearing in two, I clung to him anyway—because as terrifying as his actions were, the thought of letting go of him was even worse.
I couldn’t stop crying. My whole body shook like my sobs had crawled into my bones and made a home there. Every time I thought I might stop, that I might be able to breathe again, another wave hit me, and I was drowning all over again.
Pappa didn’t let go once. His arms were a cage, but it wasn’t the kind I wanted to escape. I pressed closer, desperate for the warmth of him, the steady rise and fall of his chest, the way his heartbeat stayed calm and strong against my ear. He was solid when everything else in me was breaking.
But the words wouldn’t leave my head.He’s gone.
Gone, gone, gone, gone.
I squeezed my eyes shut, clutching his shirt in my fists until my nails bit into my palms. The truth sat cold and sharp in my stomach, and it hurt worse than anything else. Pappa had done something terrible. Something that not even he could fix.
And I loved him so much that the thought of leaving him, of even thinking those words, felt like tearing myself in half.
“I don’t want it to be true,” I mumbled into his chest, barely more than a breath. My voice cracked. “I just want you. Only you.”
His hand stroked slowly through my hair, untangling it with patient fingers. “Itisonly me, sweetheart,” he said softly, like he was soothing a child. “I promise.”
I let him rock me, let his voice smooth the edges of my panic, but the ache in my chest still didn’t—couldn’t—ease.
So I buried it, even further than before. Pushed it down into the deepest, darkest part of me, where maybe it would fade if I tried hard enough.
I clung to him tighter, forcing myself to breathe in the scent of his skin, to feel the warmth of his hand against the back of my neck. If I kept my world small—just me and Pappa—then maybe I wouldn’t have to lose him. Maybe I could forget the rest.
But a part of me knew forgetting wouldn’t last.
The question slipped out before I could stop it. My voice was small, shaky, and muffled against his chest. “How… how do you know they won’t catch you, Pappa?”
His arms tightened around me, and for a second, he didn’t answer. Then his voice rumbled low and steady, like it was the most straightforward truth in the world. “Because they never have.”
The room tilted as my throat closed, but I swallowed hard, clinging tighter to him even as my mind screamed.
“Y-you—before—”
“I’m sorry,” he forced out.
“How… many?” I asked, dreading the answer.
Pappa looked remorseful as he replied, “Twelve.”
I choked on a sob. “Why?”
“It was a way for me to release my… darker urges.” He hurriedly added, “But they didn’t go to waste, I promise. They were sacrificial offerings to my gods. They served a purpose.”
I tried to make my voice work, tried not to let it crack, but when I opened my mouth, only a pained whimper escaped.
“Don’t let this come between us, please,” he begged, the desperation and fear of losing me clear in his voice.
“B-but… how do I know you won’t hurt me, too? If you’ve hurt other people—so many people, Bodin…”
His reaction was instant. His whole body tensed, like I’d struck him. He pulled back just enough to look at me, his hand still cradling the back of my head. His eyes were dark, burning with intensity, and I felt suddenly so helpless under the weight of them.
“Don’t say that.” His voice was sharp, raw. “Don’t youevereven think that.”
More tears pricked at the corner of my eyes, fear curling in my chest, but before I could pull away, his expression cracked, softened. He pressed his forehead to mine, his breath ragged.
“I’ve never loved anyone, Colby. Never. Do you understand? I’ve never wanted to protect anyone. Never cared what happened to them. Not until you.” His hand cupped my cheek, thumb trembling as it brushed away a tear I didn’t realize had fallen. “You’re the only one I’ve ever wanted to keep. To take care of. To love. That’s the difference. That’s why I could never hurt you. Because without you—” his voice broke, and he swallowed hard, “—without you, I’m nothing.”
His words pressed into me, and part of me wanted to believe him so much that it hurt worse than the fear did.
