Page 149 of Broken Breath
Give myself.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
Alaina
“Give me three years, Speedbump. Really try.”
Dane’s voice echoes in my ears, nearly drowning out the grind of boots on gravel.
He and Finn are a good ten feet ahead of me, but they don’t look back as I start falling behind on purpose. I don’t want their eyes on me right now, don’t want Finn’s stiff shoulders or the space he keeps between us as some kind of buffer zone.
He’s a fucking coward.
But it’s not like I’m any braver.
Each step sends a dull throb through my hip, the pain meds already wearing thin. I shove my hands deeper into my hoodie pocket, shoulders hunched, head down, trying to focus on the rhythm of my feet instead of the pain, either the one in my body or the one twisting through my chest.
I lag farther behind, letting the distance stretch because I can’t stop thinking about Dane’s offer. About the way his eyes softened, like he knew I wasn’t ready to promise him anything.
And I’m not.
But maybe…
Maybe if I can’t do it for myself, I can do it for him. Maybe even for Mason, who counts on his nobody, or for Luc, who showed me that he really cares.
But what happens when they find out?
The truth about who I am andwhyI’m really here. The plan. What I’m going to do to Raine. What Ihaveto do.
Will they still care when I get kicked off the circuit? When my name becomes a stain on theirs? Being my friendwillfollow them if they don’t drop me like a hot potato. This sport lives on reputation, and Mason is walking proof of what it costs to lose yours.
That is, if they still want anything to do with me when they realize everything they liked about me was a lie.Ugh.
Then again, there was Austria. That win wasn’t about Raine, not really, that was all mine. It was my mountain, my favorite track, my best run. I flew because I wanted it forme. Isaac wasn’t even part of it. And it felt good, like the first breath taken after drowning, even if I was in agony all the way down.
When I finish what I came here to do, there’s no clean ending, and I know this. No future waiting for me on the other side. I won’t get to slip back into female racing, the UCI will never let me.
Once the truth is out, I’m done, but somewhere along the way, I lost the thread. I came for justice, but I’m not sure if I’ve found something better or something that’ll just hurt more to lose, and that scares me because if I don’t have the revenge, what’s left?
Finn hasn’t looked at me once today. He’s stuck so deep in whatever mess is in his head that I can’t even catch his eye. And yeah, I deserve that, and it’s better this way, but itstill stings like hell. That night ruined everything. No.My kissruined everything.
I ruined everything.
Or maybe it just showed me what has been clear to anybody else for years.
It was never going to happen.
I dig the toe of my boot into a patch of loose dirt, flicking it aside, watching dust swirl around my ankles, like the thoughts swirling inside me. I haven’t seen the other two guys who are always on my mind today, either.
I didn’t expectMason Payneto become the first real friend I’ve ever had outside of Dane. Didn’t expect the guy who never talked a word to me in juniors would be the one to hold out a hand when I needed it most, but he did. I’m crushing on him. I can admit the way my chest flips when he calls meBambiin that half-smirk, half-soft voice, like I’m something fragile he’s taken it upon himself to protect.
But even if that’s all it ever is, even if he only ever sees me as a friend, it’s still more than I’ve ever had.And a hell of a lot I’m going to lose soon.
Then there’s Luc, who makes me feel like the world isn’t ending and I’malive. It’s up and down with him, like clinging to a downhill line youknowwill throw you, but you can’t help chasing the rush anyway.
He teases, presses, and makes me feel like maybe I’m allowed to be something other than just angry and hurting. With him, it’s safety and danger at the same time, like falling and flying all at once.
We came close enough that I could feel his heat, the way he holds still, waiting formeto say yes. Just one word, and he’d be there, closing that space, showing me what it feels like to be wanted that openly, but I can’t, not when he thinks I’m someone I’m not.
