Page 57 of Grave Misgivings
“I should go,” I repeated, blinking as I came back to the here and now.
“We should all hang out later,” he called out, and I nodded in response, feeling both flustered and overwhelmed at the idea of my past and my present colliding.
Not that I think the guys would be shitty or anything, in fact, I’m pretty sure, given their advice and their support, they’d be all over Zeb if I brought him around.
Which somehow only makes me feel more vulnerable, more anxious.
Maybe it’s just best if I keep him to myself a little while until I get a grip on this whole new demographic thing.
My parents aren’t exactly anti-queer or anything, but it was heavily implied that same-sex relationships were not seen in the same way traditional relationships were in our house. I often wondered what my parents would have said if I came home one day and said “I’m gay!”, but when I thought about it then, it was more or less teenage angst over the control my mother kept over me.
Then, it was a question of, “what if” in the sense that I thought at times, I’d doanythingto get away from my parents because I felt like they were suffocating me with their idealistic image they felt God wanted me to represent.
But now...
Now it’s like for the first time I’m seeing everything from an entirely new perspective.
Including the sinfully attractive man who’s taken the place of the young adult I once knew.
The entire ride home, I couldn’t stop gawking at him while we sang along to all the songs we loved. Even though I’d seen his photos, watched his YouTube videos, even though I knew what I was walking into, I don’t think anything could have prepared me for how it felt to see him again. To hug him.
Once, we were like peanut butter and jelly. We just... worked. Despite the age difference between us, Zeb got me, and he accepted me for who I was, and that was mutual. It really was the easiest friendship I’d ever had.
Back then, I wouldn’t have thought twice about hugging him, because we were just close and he was like a part of the family.
But now...
God strike me down, I didn’t want to let go of him. I liked how it felt in a way that I know can’t be classified as friendly.
His hold was tight, warm, and even if he didn’t look the same, the familiarity was there in the way he smelled; like vetiver and tonka beans mixed with teakwood.
He smelled like home, and I just wanted to close my eyes and dig my fucking grave in those much larger, golden arms.
It wasn’t awkward, at all, like I thought it would be, and it soothed something fractured inside of me, while at the same time, it felt like some invisible wall within me and around us had crumbled.
We sang the entire way home, to his house, and for the first time in a long time, I felt likeme.
I’d watched him intently as he led me around his house, trying to picture what the last ten years had been like forhim.Because for me, they were so fuckinglonely.
Sure, I released five albums, toured the world withMage Of Mercytwice, and won a slew of awards, but at the end of the day, it was justme.
When you’re chasing your dreams, trying to build the life you so desperately want, you never realize that you’re missing out on life as it’s happening. Not until you cross your threshold into nothing but silence, or crawl into bed alone knowing you sacrificed everything for it.
Katy never talked about Zeb when I called her, and I never asked about him, either. It was sort of an unspoken rule, because my sister knows more than anyone how badly I regret how things panned out when I left.
My decision to leave was the hardest decision I ever made, but I knew it was the right one at the time.
But I’ll always feel some deep remorse over it, knowing I burned some bridges in the process.
At least, I thought I had, but now...
Now, as I stand in Zeb’s guest bedroom, inches away from him, I have to wonder if perhaps some bridges are capable of being repaired.
Or perhaps, renovated into something new.
Something better.
I’ve never been the best when it comes to relationships in general. Most of my girlfriends were of the outgoing, bubbly, and confident variety, which was a blessing because it meant that they were also the type to pursueme.
