Page 50 of Grave Misgivings
He laughs freely, grabbing Mateo by the jaw and kisses him.
Two fucking inches from my face.
“Gross, get a fucking room!” Felix growls as he throws a garnish of some sort at Dare’s head. The flash of pink bops Dare in the head, bouncing back into my lap.
I pick it up.
It’s a fucking maraschino cherry.
I look from the cherry to the couple before me.
Mateo lightly shoves Dare off of his lap, running his thumb over his lip. He winks at me. “Research.”
“What are we researching?” Dare asks as Mateo pours him a drink.
“Nothing,” he says.
I let out a nervous laugh.
Felix pulls my attention when he speaks. “Good luck with your demographic, Geo,” he says as he gets up. “I’m fucking beat. I’ll see you idiots tomorrow.”
Mateo flicks him off, as Duncan chuckles, heading after Felix.
“Thanks,” I say as I climb to my feet. “I think I should probably call it a night, too.
Mateo nods. “You know my trailer’s always open right?” he says, chewing his bottom lip. “If you have questions about branching out into newdemographics.” He flashes me a smile. “Or if you just need to talk.”
I nod, feeling a fraction better. “I’ll remember that, thanks.”
I siton my tour bus, staring at the Google search engine, my fingers steepled in front of my mouth.
The cursor flashes, and I glance ahead at Clarence, my driver.
I can see the top of his head through the sliver of partition that separates the back of the bus from the front driver’s console.
Most of the guys, except for Mateo, Hailee, and Felix, share their tour bus space.Heart Killerhas their own bus, technically, but Dare’s been bunking with Mateo, just like Duncan and Felix have been sharing a bus, and Richie’s been bunking with Hailee. The rest ofHeart Killerand Felix’s band have been sharing a bus, and me... well, technically, I don’t have a regular band. I never have.
Usually, when I tour on my own, we get local musicians to play backup, but thePillars Of Rocktour hasHeart Killerbacking me up since I’m on after them, anyway.
So once again, it’s just me. All by my fucking self. Which, for what I’m considering to do, is definitely a blessing right now.
I glance at Clarence, then back to my screen.
I feel like a fucking criminal as I slowly typeporninto the search bar.
Like at any minute my mother’s going to show up and ground me, or someone’s going to fall through the fucking roof and shout my sins across all of social media.
I know I’m an adult, and it’s not that weird, but old habits die hard.
“You’re not doing anythingwrong,” I mumble to myself. “Pretty sure you are the one percent who is the weirdo because youdon’tlook at porn.”
My reflection in the screen warps as I shift in my bed, letting out a deep breath.
I hover over the “get lucky” button.
Duncan said he looked up porn to try and convince himself he wasn’t into Felix. And it inadvertently ended up confirming that he was, indeed, bisexual.
So I think it sounds like a viable way to determine if I’m indeed having a “mid-life gay awakening” as Mateo called it.
