Page 44 of Wild Fixation
“You don’t need to think about it,” Levi says on my other side. “You aren’t in danger anymore. You’re here with us.”
The warmth and support of my entire band wraps around me, and some of the tension eases out of my neck and shoulders. Emmett is as rigid and straight-backed as ever as he allows this moment to unfold. Then he continues mercilessly with the report he came here to deliver.
“That isn’t all,” he says. “We needed to address the entire incident, not just Ryan.”
Now I’m confused for a whole new reason. What could there be to address other than Ryan himself? He was the one who crossed the line. No one else was even out there with us.
Then Emmett continues, and it’s like a clap of thunder on a clear day.
“We’ve fired Seth as well.”
For a moment, all I can do is blink. I gape at Emmett, replaying his words over and over to search for the lie. This cannot be real. Seth did nothing wrong. He was the one who saved me. Firing him makes no sense. My mouth is hanging open, yet I can’t summon the words to fill it as dread floods through my chest and clogs up my throat.
“He was responsible for hiring Ryan,” Emmett says. “He was the one in charge. This is his failure.”
“But he saved me.”
“Only after placing you in danger in the first place.”
I open my mouth to retort, but Emmett puts up a hand to silence me.
“It wasn’t my call alone,” he says. “Seth resigned before I could fire him. We are in complete agreement on this.”
I shake my head. Resigned? This wasn’t his fault. He can’t disappear like this. The floor seems to fall out from under me, and even though I’m sitting, I swoon, landing against Shawn’s shoulder. The world tilts away, everything I once believed steady and sure sliding out of my grasp.
“We’ll assemble a new team for you as quickly as possible,” Emmett is saying, “but we’ve obviously had to cancel a couple future appearances, so it shouldn’t be an issue in the short term. Jacob, you may want to lay low for the time being.”
Maybe he goes on, but his voice turns fuzzy and hollow, like we’re underwater. Vaguely, I note Dan rising to lead Emmett out of my apartment. When the door shuts, silence floods this big, empty place I live in alone, this beautiful shell full of perfect white furniture and stainless steel appliances and not a drop of anything real. Only when Seth was here using my kitchen did this place seem like something I might call a home.
“Hey, why don’t we order some food?” Levi says.
Everyone but Shawn gets up and starts deciding on dinner. It takes me a moment to realize Shawn can’t move because I’m clinging way too hard to his hand.
“You okay?” he says softly.
I shake my head. “This isn’t Seth’s fault.”
“He quit. What can they can do?”
“He’s blaming himself. I know he is. But he’s wrong.”
Shawn squeezes my hand. “We’ll talk to him, but first let’s eat, okay?”
I reluctantly agree. When the food arrives, a bunch of take out from a pho place nearby, everyone climbs back onto the couch. Keannen puts on some movie about buff dudes in a sweaty jungle hunting an alien monster. Someone hands me a bowl of beef pho, and I make myself eat it mostly so the others won’t notice if I don’t, but it tastes like sand. Even the explosions on the screen can’t knock me out of the loop of repeating, upsetting thoughts echoing in my head. Seth is gone. He’s gone. Just like that, he’s going to disappear from my life, and over something that isn’t even his fault. If I thought this day couldn’t get any worse, it just did.
I feel slightly better by the time the movie ends, but only because I’ve resolved to reach out to Seth. I have his number, so unless he’s blocked me, I can at least send a message. I doubt he’ll answer. More likely, he’ll bury himself in shame and regret and try to go on avoiding me.
By the time the guys are cleaning up dinner and telling me I should head to bed, I’m nearly nauseous with all the conflicts battering my brain. In one moment, Seth can be my passionate defender, my brave knight swooping in to save me from the likes of Ryan or the paparazzi, and in the next he can fire himself so that I never see him again. In one moment, he can be in my bed, lavishing every inch of my body with care and attention and devotion, treating me like every fleck of skin is uniquely precious, and in the next he can get up and leave, and tell me it was all a mistake. The back and forth is dizzying, and most of it lives solely in Seth’s head, but how will I ever convince him of that?
Shawn takes my arm and encourages me up from the couch, then leads me to my bedroom.
“Everyone’s going to crash here tonight,” he says, “in case you need anything.”
And so I’m not alone.
I know it’s true, but I also know all of my bandmates will let it go unspoken, protecting my pride.
In my room, Shawn gets me to the bed like I’m some frail old man who can’t manage it on his own. He pats my shoulder as I sit on the edge of the mattress.
