Page 15 of My Husband's Wife
‘I was just curious.’
‘Curious? You forget, I know you better than anyone else in the world. From the moment I found out you were growing inside me, I’ve wanted nothing more than for you to be happy. I know that when you avoid speaking to me like you have this week, something’s wrong.’
I swallow hard and I’m sure she heard. ‘It’s just…’ I don’t know how to put this without sounding crazy – but I have to try. My thoughts never switch off and I feel this sense of overwhelm; so much so, I want to climb into my wardrobe to shut all the noise out, but I know it will follow me there. ‘When I was working the other day, I saw a man who looked just like Hugo,’ I say in a hushed voice. I don’t want Zach to overhear me. He was worried that I wasn’t ready to marry him when I did. It was hurried. Maybe I wasn’t ready, but I do love him. Caiden loves him too.
‘You do know that it couldn’t possibly be Hugo, don’t you?’
I need to tell her the rest. ‘This man likes birdwatching and has the same mole. He’s identical. His eyes are brown though. It threw me. He’s an absolute doppelgänger.’
‘Sweetheart, a lot of people like birdwatching and have similar features to those we know.’
‘It’s so specific.’
‘Yes, but still. That man isn’t Hugo. You know, when I’m in a crowd, I sometimes still catch a glimpse of your nan, then I realise it’s not her and I feel this deep sense of loss all over again. Grief hits us when we are least expecting it. Our minds play tricks on us. That’s all this is.’ She pauses. ‘I think you should see your doctor.’
‘No. I don’t need to. I’m fine.’ I can’t believe I told her what was going through my mind. Now she’s going to be like a dog with a bone. Why didn’t I keep my thoughts to myself? I’m such an idiot.
She’s silent, which means she totally disagrees with me. ‘This is how it started last time, and the time before. First, you see things that aren’t real. Second, you believe them and they become real. Please, Eva. I beg of you, go to the doctor. Have you told Zach?’
My silence will probably answer that question for her.
‘Thought not.’
‘Mum.’ Caiden calls me.
‘I have to go. We’re meant to be watching a film. Please forget I said anything, Mum. I promise you I’m okay. You’re right. It’s grief and I’m being a silly sausage.’ I try to smile so she can hear me lightening the tone of my voice. She used to call me a silly sausage when I was little if I put my shoes on the wrong feet and we always joked about that. I hope she can park what I’ve said and trust me when I say I’m fine.
‘I’ll call you tomorrow. Love to you all.’
Caiden bursts into my bedroom and jumps on my bed.
‘Love you. Bye.’ I put the phone down and pull my son close to me. His warmth feels comforting.
‘Are you upset, Mummy?’
‘No, lovely. I was just talking to Nanny and she said she loves you.’
‘I love Nanny too.’ He pauses. ‘I miss her.’
Of course he does. Mum spent the last five years bringing him up with me. As I hug Caiden and hold back my tears, I regret mentioning Hugo to my mum. It was stupid, but there is no going back. Could it be that I’m delusional? Or was seeing Hugo in Theo some kind of weird hallucination brought on by grief?
I’ve seen things before, horrible things. They weren’t real.
I’m stressed. I feel alone here. I miss my old colleagues.
These symptoms are a recipe for disaster. But I know what I saw. I saw Hugo.
Eleven
I send Mum a selfie of me standing in the hotel grounds. The bridge seemed like the perfect place. My orange suit and white Mary-Jane shoes are cheery enough, and I made sure my make-up was perfect. I share it to Instagram too. It’s one of the better photos of me and I add a caption, telling everyone about this amazing place I work at and how the weddings here are the best. Mum has to see that everything is okay, and I hope she’s happy with a photo instead of a phone call as I have such a busy day.
I look like Bambi learning to walk as I navigate the boggy grounds, back towards the main building. The rainfall from the early hours is still filtering its way through the earth, and the sea in the distance looks a bit choppy but I love that salty smell in the air. It makes me feel alive. My phone beeps. Nicole has sent me a photo of Caiden and Aaron smiling at the school gates. I really appreciate her dropping my son off at school, and I’ve promised to look after Aaron for her soon, so that she can have a break. She follows it with a selfie of her wearing a plastic plant pot as a hat, which makes me chuckle.
Hallie waves at me from my office window. She’s carrying a pile of folders containing all the upcoming bride and groom instructions and requests. The management are happy with me. I nailed the wedding on Sunday night. Everything went like clockwork and, for a while, I managed to not think of Hugo.
As I enter the back of the hotel, I check the photo again that I sent Mum and I’m happy with it. She replies.
Mum: You look lovely, sweetheart, but you always do. Are you pulling your hair again?
