Page 58 of Keep My Heart
‘I told him the fake dates were starting to feel real and he agreed. But he didn’t offer a solution. He just left.’
‘So what are you going to do?’
‘I don’t know. I really want to see him tonight, but I don’t know if I should.’
‘If you knew getting hurt wasn’t possible, what would you do?’
‘Go out with Nick. A hundred percent. I’d have no doubts.’
‘Why? Why would you want to go out with him?’
‘Because he makes me feel alive and happy and excited and .?.?. like me again. I didn’t realize how much of myself I’d lost being with Chris, but being with Nick, I feel like the old me is starting to come back. I can’t tell you how great that feels.’
‘And you think Nick’s the one making you feel like that?’
‘He’s part of the reason. In fact, he’s the one that pointed out how much I’ve changed. How I don’t smile like I used to, or laugh, or get excited. He was right. That part of me got lost when I was with Chris.’ The phone is silent and I check that we’re still connected. ‘Diane? You still there?’
‘Yeah.’
‘So what do you think? Do I tell Nick I can’t see him anymore?’
‘That’s up to you. I can’t tell you what to do. But I can tell you that getting hurt can happen no matter who you’re with. When you start dating again, you’re going to get your heart broken, probably more than once. It’s just what happens when you put yourself out there.’
‘What are you saying? That I shouldn’t date?’
‘No, of course you should date. I’m just saying you can’t expect not to get hurt. It’s going to happen, but it’s up to you to decide who you’re willing to risk your heart with. Maybe that guy is Nick, maybe it’s not.’
‘It’s not Nick. I mean, it could be, but we live on different coasts. It’d never work. I just need to find someone just like him who lives in LA.’
She’s quiet, then says, ‘Is Nick worth it?’
‘What do you mean?’
‘Is dating Nick worth it, knowing you’ll probably end up getting hurt?’
‘You’re saying I should date him for real?’
‘I’m just asking a question. Are you willing to risk your heart being broken if you start something with Nick and it doesn’t work out?’
‘I don’t know. I haven’t even thought about dating him for real because of where we live. Why would I date him, knowing it wouldn’t work?’
‘I’m not saying you should. But if he makes you feel as good as you say he does, maybe you give it a chance.’
‘I don’t think Nick wants to date me. He doesn’t even want a girlfriend. And how would that work when we live on different coasts?’
‘You talk on the phone. Do video dates. Being apart might make it easier to keep your heart from getting involved. Maybe you both agree to keep it casual and only keep it going until you find someone else.’
‘I’m not sure I could keep my heart out of it. Nick’s not a stranger I met on a dating app. He’s a guy I grew up with. A friend. I know his family, his brothers. I had feelings for him even back in high school.’
‘You did?’
‘They weren’t romantic feelings. It was the type of feelings you’d have for a friend. I cared about him. I looked forward to our tutoring sessions because I really liked spending time with him. Sometimes I’d call him to tell him something because I didn’t want to wait until our next session. He was the guy I wish Chris had been, but that just wasn’t him.’
‘Okay, this is getting complicated. I know you think you only saw Nick as a friend back in high school, but it sounds like more than that, which would explain why you’re having such strong feelings for him now. Maybe you shouldn’t see him anymore.’
‘Except I really want to, even if it’s only for one more day.Would it be that bad to go on a real date with Nick, knowing it won’t go anywhere?’
‘That’s up to you. Just make sure you let him know that’s what you’re doing. Don’t pretend to fake date him and then tell yourself it’s real.’
