Page 186 of Treacherous
Despite their different appearances, when I lock onto Jaz, all I can see is Jayden. His green eyes, boring into my soul.
“He just— “I pause, my chest rising as I try to breathe. My lips quiver and eyes sting from crying the whole way here.
“Willow. Take a deep breath. Tell me what you see?”
Jaz links our hands together, squeezing tightly. I gasp in a breath, my vision slowly returning to normal. “I see you.”
My best friend smiles. “What can you feel? List them,”
“Your fingers.” I hiccup. “There really cold by the way." Jaz chuckles. "And my chest. I feel it…it’s tight, hard to breath.”
“Slow, deep breaths. Do it with me,” Jaz says. She models the breathing, and I follow. Jazmine pulls me into a hug. “Come, sit down.”
She leads me to her lounge, offering a stuffed animal to me. I stare at it, puzzled by why she is giving it to me.
“Hugging a cute dog is supposed to help calm your heart rate. At least it works for me, especially when Theo isn’t around.”
I take the stuffed animal and squeeze it like my life depends on it. Tears continue to fall down my cheeks, the silence in the room makes the noise inside me louder. Too loud. Fuck. What have I done?
The words that have been on the tip of my tongue fall out, the wall I’ve built crumbling. “He loves me and I just walked away. Why am I such a bitch to him? I always have been. Why— “
“—Hey! Stop right there.” Jaz says, interrupting me. “Don’t blame yourself. Blame those boys who played with your mind so much you began—and still are—believing their words.”
She follows her words with a hug and I melt into her embrace. Jaz doesn’t say anything, she lets me cry into her shoulder like Idid in high school after my first break up. Palms rub circles on my back, tension disappearing by the second.
“I’m sorry for being really harsh last time we spoke,”
I pull back. “No, don’t apologise. Honestly, you said what I needed to hear. The past few weeks have been enlightening. I came from my therapy appointment and I’m beginning to realise some things.”
“That’s great, Willow.”
“I always try to compare Jayden to the men in my past because I’m scared of being hurt.” I swallow the bulge growing in my throat. “I don’t want to wake up one day and see Jayden leaving because my shine has worn off. That I’m…just someone he was using until the one comes along.”
Jaz’ eyes soften. “Where did that thought come from?”
I look away, searching the lounge room for something to hook my gaze. Jazmine’s cool fingertips graze my shoulder and I flinch.
“I’m a lot to handle and I know I act like it doesn’t bother me when people say it, but it does. Kyle–”
“–Kyle was a fucking idiot.” Jaz seethes before taking a breath. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt but your worth so much more than what a fuckingmanhas to say.”
“That’s the thing, I know,” I say, feeling deflated. “It’s just hard to forget.”
“I understand. Let’s revisit something you said before though,”
I scrunch my eyes together. “What?”
Jaz chuckles. “You implied you wanted to be waking up next to Jayden. So, ignoring the fact that he is my brother, describe what you feel when you’re with him.”
My mouth opens, but I shut it quickly. I do want to wake up next to Jayden. “Okay, I feel energetic, everything with him is fun and easy.” Another word comes to mind when I pause. “Safe.”
All I can see is Jayden wrapped around me, our limbs intertwined. His body heat radiating onto me and even if I was overheating, I wouldn’t pull away.
I love his touches, the sensations he causes by merely grazing his calloused fingers across my skin.Safe.
That’s what I crave.
Jayden is like a personal safety blanket. I can’t help but laugh. All these thoughts begin to sink in. Deep.
