Page 185 of Treacherous
She offers a soft smile. “Don’t apologise. Where did your mind go? If you don’t mind me asking?”
I swallow. “Jayden, the guy I was sleeping with, we are teammates, playing for the Lakewood Hawks. On the weekend, we played the first round of finals. We won and now we are through to the semi-finals.”
“Congrats, that’s an amazing achievement.”
“Thank you.” I bite my bottom lip. “He introduced me to these female hockey players, who are scouting talent for a new league. The PWHL. They want me to join them next year.”
“That’s an incredible opportunity. How do you feel about that?”
“Good. Excited,” A stray tear sliding down my cheek. “I just don’t understand. Jayden, with the help of our coach, still did that for me. After I ran away from him.”
“Okay. Why did you run away?”
“He…he told me he loves me.” I say through choked sobs.
“Take a deep breath,” Dr Gray says, offering me a box of tissues. “Everyone reacts to these situations differently, besides, I can tell you are still holding onto something. Would you like to tell me about it?”
I wipe my cheeks, sucking in deep breaths. “Yeah,” I mutter. “I had a really shitty ex when I was eighteen. He was controlling and tried to change me into someone I’m not.”
Dr Gray nods but doesn’t say anything. So, I continue: “I broke it off after getting into university in Nevada. But the cycle began again when I met my then teammates,”
Inhale. Exhale.
“I made the mistake of having sex with one of my teammates and even after the first red flags appeared, I stayed. I let him lash out at me,abuse mewith his awful words until I became someone I didn’t recognise. It reached the point where I believed everything, he said about me.”
“You’re too loud, Willow.”
“You won’t get anywhere playing hockey.”
“I’m sure you have fucked everyone on the team.”
“Be quiet. No one cares about your opinion.”
The words cycle through my mind for what feels like hours. My sobs drown out everything else, until Dr Gray’s voice cuts through. “Willow, it’s okay.” I look up to meet her eyes. “What you went through is traumatic and it’s understandable that you are scared to love again,”
Love. Do I love Jayden? I…I don’t know what love feels like anymore. Words are stuck in my throat and despite my pleas, they won’t leave.
“Tell me, Willow. What do you hope to get out of this session and anything in the future?”
“I guess I want to acknowledge what happened in the past and start to move on.”
“Okay, that’s a great start.”
Our session continues and things are beginning to click in my mind. But all I have are more questions. We don’t have time to go over them, and I don’t bring them up. I leave Dr Gray’s office, finding the contact I need.
Me:
Hey, any chance your free to talk?
Jazmine Allen:
Of course. Come to my house.
***
Standing before Jazmine’s door has every intrusive thought fighting their way into my head, overwhelming me until I can’t breathe.
The echo of my pounding heart is rampant, blocking out every other sound. I tap my knuckles against the door and it swings open immediately.
