Page 44 of The Close-Up
“Have you noticed feeling a similar hesitation in past relationships?”
Silence follows as Landon leans back in his chair and stares out the window. “I’m afraid to say it.”
“It’s important to be honest about your feelings. It’s the only way to make progress.”
“I just worry how that honesty will make me look.”
“I’m not going to judge you, Landon. That’s not why I’m here.”
He pivots his gaze back to Simon. “The spark I felt for Alana at the beginning faded after a while. And I think there was a part of me that was scared to settle down because I was afraid of missing out on someone else who could give me that excitement.”
A familiar, faint punch to my gut hit. That’s exactly how I felt when I was with Brody.
Just then Landon turns to look at me. “That sounds horrible, doesn’t it?”
“You’re not actually supposed to talk to her,” Simon says. “It stipulates in the waiver you signed that Naomi’s here to observe, not interact with you during the one-on-one sessions.”
This time when Landon wags his eyebrow at me, there’s a cheekiness to it. I have to bite back a smile.
“Right,” Landon says. “Sorry about that.”
“Spark is what you make of it,” Simon says. “I know it’s fun to feel that initial excitement when you meet someone, but it takes effort to maintain. If you want a lasting, long-term relationship, you need to put in the work to make it happen. You wouldn’t expect a lush garden to sprout up in the middle of some dry swath of dirt, would you?”
“I guess not.”
“I know it’s a simplistic analogy, but you can’t expect passion and excitement with someone to magically happen when you don’t put in the effort to create it.”
“Well. I definitely dropped the ball on that one.” Landon chuckles, almost like he’s embarrassed. He rubs his face. “I guess when that spark started to fade, I didn’t think about how to get it back. Jesus, you’d think I’d know better as a thirty-five-year-old man.”
“We all make mistakes. It’s just important that you acknowledge that about yourself—and figure out why you make those mistakes. If you know why you do something, then it’s easier to pinpoint that behavior and modify it the best you can. If that’s what you want.”
He asks Landon about his past relationships, and Landon mentions his first serious relationship in college.
“It felt like I was the one planning most of our dates, giving gifts, remembering birthdays and important events, all that stuff. And she kind of just went along and never really seemed all that invested. All I really wanted was some reassurance from her that what I was doing meant something to her, and I never really got that from her. I always felt like I was bothering her—almost like she tolerated my existence rather than being happy that I was with her. I never brought it up though, I was too scared to rock the boat,” he says. “It didn’t work out obviously, and I think that hurt me—that I had put so much effort into something, into someone who didn’t feel the same way. And I don’t want to go through that again.”
“That sounds like a really hurtful experience. I’m sorry that happened to you,” Simon says. “It sounds like you’re still processing the pain of that attachment injury you experienced with her.”
He explains that an attachment injury occurs when one partner in a relationship fails to offer the comfort and care that the other partner expects during times of distress. Landon says that’s exactly how he feels.
“I guess I’ve just been really guarded since then,” he says.
I can’t blame him. That’s happened to me before and has definitely left me feeling skittish—and in a self-imposed relationship ban. As much as I want to believe that someday I’ll be in a fulfilling relationship with a person who puts in as much effort and affection as I do, I can sympathize with Landon’s reluctance. Sometimes it’s hard to believe in something, even when you see it happening around you, when you’ve never experienced it yourself.
“I understand your hesitance,” Simon says to Landon. “But it’s important to say to whoever you’re dating that you’re feeling hesitant because of what you’ve been through. When you’re feeling unsure or like you can’t move forward, talk to her about that. Tell her that it’s because you’ve gone all in in a relationship before and got your heart broken, and that’s what’s causing the hesitation. And reiterate that you want to find a way to work through it because you want to be with her now, you want to take your relationship to that next level, whether that’s moving in together or getting engaged. Or maybe all you need is verbal affirmation from your partner that they love and care about you so you don’t feel neglected. Or maybe you want them to hug you more often. It’s okay to ask for those things.”
Landon frowns slightly, but nods along with what Simon says.
“When you take ownership of your feelings and show that it’s not the fault of the person you’re with now, it goes a long way in helping your partner understand where you’re coming from. And it helps make them feel like you’re prioritizing their feelings and your relationship together.”
I notice Landon’s eyes glaze over the slightest bit before he blinks.
“I’ll have to take your word for it,” he says. “But I hope you’re right.”
“It’s worked for my other clients,” Simon says. He purses his lips slightly. “It can work for you too in your next relationship.”
They talk for a few more minutes until the session ends.
“Thanks again for seeing me when I’m such a mess,” Landon says as he stands up to leave.
