Page 10 of The Close-Up
“It’s perfect.”
He settles into the chair across from me while I set up the tripod and camera next to my seat. Unlike at other media companies, most Dash producers and editors are a one-person show, often doing all of the research, storyboarding, interview questions, camera work, and hours of editing themselves. But I’m suited for it. Even in college as a film and TV production major, I loathed group projects, always preferring to work on my own and commandeering the bulk of the editing and postproduction to ensure the assignment was as close to perfect as possible. As nice as it would be to have my own staff someday, I relish having this much control.
I do a slow scan of the cozy mid-century space and quietly freak out that I’m in Simon Rutler’s home. But then I promptly tell myself to get it together. I’m in and out of people’s homes and offices on an almost daily basis when I’m shooting interviews. I’ve filmed in much weirder places—everywhere from abandoned warehouses to crowded street festivals. This isn’t a big deal at all.
We sit down, and I give Simon an overview of the points I plan to cover. When he says he’s ready, I hit Record on the camera and take a silent deep breath.
“Tell me how you got started as the Bay Area’s most sought-after therapist for men trying to be better boyfriends and husbands.”
Simon’s eyes drop to the floor as he chuckles through a smile. “I’m hardly that.”
“Based on the number of people singing your praises and your full practice, you most definitely are.”
His cheeks and neck flush pink. He must be one of those people who doesn’t take compliments well, and it’s utterly endearing.
“Honestly, I just give them a new perspective and a new set of tools to approach the issues in their relationships. The hard work? They do that themselves.”
“Spoken like a true expert.”
My comment earns a soft laugh.
“So when you were a kid, did you always want to grow up and be a relationship therapist?” After doing interviews professionally for the past ten-plus years, I’ve learned how to ask different versions of the same question to get a better response.
“Well, when I realized that I couldn’t grow up and be Spider-Man, I had to find something else to do.”
“We all have to give up those childhood fantasies,” I say.
“The short answer for why I got into the field is this: I grew up watching my parents fight constantly. As a kid, I wished that I could make them get along. But of course, at that age, I didn’t have a way to help them, so I just watched as they fell into this unhealthy cycle of arguments and resentment until they got divorced.”
“I’m sorry to hear that.”
Even though he’s discussing an indisputably personal topic, he doesn’t seem to be bothered. He keeps steady eye contact and a relaxed posture as he speaks.
“Lots of kids go through the experience of watching their parents split up, but it really affected me,” he says. “I ended up seeing a counselor during my teen years to help process a lot of that anger and pain I held. That inspired me to think about psychology and specifically therapy as a career path when I was older.”
It’s refreshing how candid Simon is about his own experience with therapy. There’s still a stigma around mental health services and seeking professional help, and hopefully hearing Simon speak openly about it will help normalize it.
“I wanted to help people the way my therapist helped me. So I studied psychology during undergrad and earned a bachelor’s, then I got a master’s in counseling psychology.”
He explains that after he earned his supervised clinical hours and started practicing as a therapist for couples and individuals, he noticed how emotionally guarded a lot of his male clients were in their sessions and in their relationships.
“So many were hesitant to open up both to me and to their partners,” Simon says. “And after spending so many years studying psychology and working in therapy, I learned it’s because men are socialized not to be vulnerable or emotional. It’s seen as a weakness.”
“That’s so true. I mean, it’s messed up, but that’s exactly what I’ve observed too.”
“It’s upsetting because there’s nothing weak about expressing how you feel. It actually shows how strong you are as a person, that you’re comfortable enough to let your guard down and tell your partner what you’re feeling. You’re brave enough to open about what you’re going through instead of hiding it, like so many people have been taught to do.”
I nod along in agreement.
“I related to that mentality,” he says. “I grew up with a dad who hardly ever expressed his emotions. He bottled things up and refused to talk about his feelings. I don’t think I ever saw him cry. I was like that too until I started seeing a therapist as a teenager and realized how much better it felt to express my feelings instead of repress them or joke about them.
“I started to drive home the importance of that with male clients. A lot of them fought me pretty hard, they said it felt weird and awkward to talk about their feelings. But just like with anything else, the more you do something, the more comfortable you get doing it. Every time they did a session with me, either alone or with their partner, I tried my best to create a supportive, nonjudgmental environment. And that helped them see the benefit of being open and talking about their feelings in the context of a relationship. Yeah, you’ll still disagree and argue with your partner. But if you can get to the point where you’re talking to each other in a respectful and sensitive way about how you’re feeling—both the good stuff and the stuff that’s bothering you—it feels amazing. Like you’ve unlocked this whole new level where you’re having a healthy back-and-forth and not just fighting all the time because one person’s upset that the other isn’t being open and honest.”
The smile he flashes has a tinge of shyness to it. “I feel like I’m babbling.”
“You’re not. At all. So that’s when the light bulb went off for you?”
“That’s when I started marketing myself to men who were having issues in their relationships. I filmed YouTube videos explaining these concepts while I built my practice and shared them on social media. After a couple of months, the videos got to be so popular and widely viewed that I started doing seminars in addition to individual therapy and couples therapy. It’s been great because doing both seminars and therapy engages me in different ways. I love the one-on-one dynamic of therapy sessions, and I also enjoy public speaking and engaging with large groups. Both formats fill my tank in different ways.”
