Page 40 of Playing With Secrets
I’ve ruined everything.
“Hunter says things to get to you. He knows what makes you tick.” I rush for an excuse, but this one is horrible. I swerve and take Jami on a different path.
“Jami, I feel terrible about everything. I can’t explain it, but without you in my life, I can’t breathe. It’s like there’s no air when I’m not with you.”
“No air? It’s a momentary hiccup you’ll get over. You know you can. You always have.” His eyes gloss over as if he’s not the one speaking.
There’s nothing but resentment coming off him, and I don’t blame him. I reach for something to get us back on a level playing field. The problem is, I deserve all his anger.
“Jami, we shared something beautiful.”
“Stop. You used the same line on me that day at Iron Mountain, but we both know the truth. We knew it the second you told Hunter you loved him on the way back to Denver.”
“But—”
“No, Dori. There was nothing beautiful about it. It was created out of fear and the need for comfort and relief. That’s all it was.” Jamison chokes on his words.
He takes a breath and clears his throat. “That night isn’t on you, Dori. I was reliving the nightmare of my parents’ deaths and needed some solace. You were someone I thought I could trust with my heart.”
“Don’t rewrite the narrative, Jami. That night wasn’t just any other night. You told me you loved me after that.” My gaze falls to the floor. “I love you too, but I didn’t think you would want something with me after I lost?—”
“From what you’ve told me, you lost nothing. It didn’t happen. What I’ve come to is this.”
He stands and strides to the window. “In another time…another lifetime, maybe it could’ve been that all-consuming undying love. But in this one, it’s only half of that. When only one person wants what’s possible, there is no whole. I see that now, Dori.”
“Jami, I can’t be your whole because I can’t give you the family you want.” I rush to his side with my soul bleeding because of what I’m saying.
I just don’t want to go through that agony ever again. My heart still has armor over it because our loss demolished me. I’ve distanced myself from it. It’s too much, and I still can’t bear it.
He stares out the glass. “Hey, no sweat. Tell yourself whatever you need. How I see it is that we played to the end and explored what we might have been.
“The game’s over by your ruling, so life goes on like it always does after you do this to me. After all, you’re with Hunter now. Or again or whatever. It doesn’t matter.”
Jami lifts his chin upward. He peers above like he wishes his one true love would float down from heaven with angel wings, guiding her gently into his arms.
“What does that mean? The game is over?” I ask.
He turns to me with lost hope in his sad blue eyes. “It means the score is Jamison, zero: Dori and her other men, five by my last count. I’m done playing, so I’m on my knees begging.
“Please, let me go for good because you shred my soul over and over until there’s nothing left, and it’s vicious. I can’t live through another attack.”
My chin quivers. “This isn’t how I wanted this to go.”
“I told you the last time we talked about this. It’s on you now, not me. I was ready and willing to face anything that stood in our way. But now I’m out of this thing we have. Had.It’s over and done with.” He huffs a laugh. “Aiden was right all along. You and I are nothing but?—”
“Leave Aiden out of this.” My chest fills with desperation.
I’m about to hyperventilate. I was fearful Jami would turn me away once and for all. But I was hoping we’re stronger than that, like something that’s meant to be if we could only find our footing. But in his eyes is nothing but resolve.
I’ve destroyed us.
“Look, in the end, it just isn’t worth it to me anymore. You kicked a steel-toed boot into my heart when I was at my lowest. That day was harder for me than you’ll ever understand. I would’ve explained if you would have let me in, but that’s not what you wanted.”
“I’m sorry, Jami. I didn’t…”
“You think it only affected you, but that baby was mine as well. But who the fuck am I to complain? It’s too selfish of me to mourn, right?”
“No, that’s not what I was saying.” I reach out to him.
